Religion/Spirituality The official Bizarre Bible Stories Thread

Julius Skrrvin

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5. Exodus 4:24-25
Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”

:to::wtf::scusthov:
 

CASHAPP

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#7 – Deuteronomy 23:1

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.




“A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.”


:wtf:
 

acri1

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No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

8. Deuteronomy 23:1

5. Exodus 4:24-25
Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”

:wtf: :wtf: :wtf:
 

Blackking

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It's actually a good book... very descriptive and very interested. If you read it without hate in your blood, Its an ok read.

Besides there is some good wisdom, mixed in with some strange practices of ancient cultures.
 

Blackking

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Proverbs 16:16 “How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!”


Proverbs 25:24
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 4:7
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Racism:
Colossians 3:10-11
And have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.

As pertaining to current events:
"I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars--I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you." Rev 3:9

1 Timothy 6:10

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. "

The most important thing in the Bible to me:
Matthew 14:22-31

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”


justifying smut bytches.
This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, “I’ve done nothing wrong.” —Proverbs 30:20

Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path. Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags.—Proverbs 23:19–21

Bring yourself down to the level of fools......
Like snow in summer or rain in harvest, honor is not fitting for a fool….Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. —Proverbs 26:1, 4


But Basically.....
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. —Ecclesiastes 11:5


But then there is 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.. so I can see why some of you don't like it.
 

you're NOT "n!ggas"

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Astronomy (8th light)
I heard the story about the fig tree explained this morning. where Jesus sees a fig tree, goes to grab some fruit only to see it doesn't bear fruit, so he curses it and it withers up and dies, flies off I think, some shyt.

anyways, the preacher said he used to think this story unfair, but it turns out its the trees fault because it presented a false image. Jesus thought it had some fruit, cuz it looked like it, but it didn't. if you're gonna look like you have fruit, you better have some fruit :manny:
 

CHL

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2:23-24 He went out to the spring of the waters, and cast the salt into it, and said: Thus saith the Lord: I have healed these waters, and there shall be no more in them death or barrenness. [22] And the waters were healed unto this day, according to the word of Eliseus, which he spoke. [23] And he went up from thence to Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, little boys came out of the city and mocked him, saying: Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. [24] And looking back, he saw them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord: and there came forth two bears out of the forest, and tore of them two and forty boys. [25] And from thence he went to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria.

hahahahahahha :laff: how spiteful and petulant does a fictional deity need to be to send two bears to maul 40 kids to death for making fun of a bald dude?

Also I thought it said mount Camel. Why is this fakkit mounting jay?
 
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CHL

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dawg, Yahweh is like the Mr Magoo or Maxwell Smart of gawds... I kinda wish he was real so after I die I can watch this dumb mufukca fail miserably at punishin me...

Like really, after seein him continually fukc up I could see him tryin to send me to hell but accidentally sending himself instead, then after burnin himself for like 10-20 mins with him stumblin around to find the light switch, he turns the flames off instead and all the inhabitants of hell escape except for him, then the Hitler cuts the thermostat back up and yahweh dies in hell... :stylin:

I could see it maynes

:banderas: :mjlol:
 

CHL

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Excellent summaries :ehh:

5) Committing So Much Genocide

God has killed so many people, you guys. Okay, I mean technically, God has killed everyone if you subscribe to Judeo-Christian thought, but I'm not talking about indirect methods, I'm talking about God murdering countless people in horrible ways simply because he's pissed off. God drowning every single person on the planet besides Noah and his family is pretty well known, but he also helped the Israelites murder everyone in Jericho, Heshbon, Bashan and many more, usually killing women, children and animals at the same time. Hell, God once helped some Israelites kill 500,000 other Israelites. God's crazy.

6) Ordering His Underlings to Kill Their Own Children

God is obviously good at big picture dikkishness, but he also took the time to be a dikk on a more personal level. Abraham was another devout man God decided to fukk with, apparently because he knew he could. God ordered him to sacrifice his son to God (God was a fan of human sacrifice at the time). We know Abraham loved his son, so he was probably kind of upset with this, but hey, God's God. So Abraham tricked his unsuspecting son up a mountain onto a sacrificial altar and prepared to murder him. This story actually has a happy ending, in that right before Abraham drove a knife into his son's throat, God yelled "Psych!" and told him it was only a test. And then Abraham received some blessings after that for being willing to kill his own child at God's whim. And all it took was the dread of being forced to kill his own child on behalf of his angry deity and, presumably, a shyt-ton of awkward family dinners for the rest of his life. Abraham got off better than Jephthah, who had to follow through with murdering his daughter (burning her alive, specifically) in order to get on God's good side before battling the Ammonites. (Genesis 22:1-12)

8) Killing a Dude for Not Making More Babies

So you're a dude named Onan and you have a brother named Er. God does not care for Er, and kills him. Standard God operating procedure. Then things gets weird. Onan's dad orders Onan to have sex with Er's wife — not marry, by the way, just have sex with. This is actually pretty awkward for Onan, sleeping with his sister-in-law, and rather than give her any more kids (she had two with Er already) he pulls out. God is so infuriated that Onan did not fukk his sister-in-law to completion that he kills him, too. Now, you could argue that God demands that intercourse be used specifically for procreation, but given how much God loves killing babies and children, I don't think his motives here are exceptionally pure. (Genesis 38:1-10)

9) Helping Samson Murder People to Pay Off a Bet

More evidence that God is possibly a low-level mobster: When his pal Samson got married, he was given 30 friends, and he posed them (a completely insane) riddle. Then he made a bet that if they could solve it in a week, Samson would give them all new clothes, but if they couldn't they would give Samson 30 pairs of new clothes. Well, Samson's wife wheedled the answer out of him and then told these dudes, at which point an angry Samson had to pay up. And here's where God comes in — literally, into Samson, giving him the power to murder 30 random people for their clothes. Only a true friend would help you commit mass murder to settle a completely stupid bet. (Judges 14:1-19)

10) Trying to Wrestle a Guy, Cheating, and Still Losing

And here's more evidence that God is a drunk maniac: Jacob was traveling with his two wives, his 11 kids, and all his earthly possessions and had sent them across a river. At that moment, a guy essentially leapt out of the bushes and started wrestling. It's God! They wrestle all night, and God cannot beat Jacob, so he uses his magic God powers to wrench Jacob's hip out of its socket. But Jacob still won't let him out of a headlock until God blesses him, because Jacob has figured out who this bizarre man is. God blesses him and wanders off, presumably to go get in a bar fight somewhere. (Genesis 32: 22-31)


beltre082412.gif


12) Everything He Did to Job

Oh, Job. Other than a shyt-ton of babies, no one had it worse in the Bible than Job, who was a righteous, good-hearted man who believed in God with every fiber in his being — which is when God decides to see how miserable he can make this dude before he gets upset. Note: This is a result of a bet between God and Satan. Also note: The bet is God's idea. He's literally just hanging out with Satan — which is kinda weird when you think about it — when he started bragging about how awesome Job is. Satan points out that Job's pretty blessed — he's rich, he's got a lot of kids, etc., and he probably wouldn't be quite so thrilled with God if he didn't have that stuff. God downs his bourbon, presumably, and tells Satan he can mess with Job all he wants. Satan does. He kills all of Job's children and animals, burns down his house, destroys his wealth, and then covers him in boils. Job doesn't curse God, but he does wish he'd never been born (literally) and begs God to kill him, but no dice. This lasts a long time until finally Job wonders why a just God would be so cruel. This is when God pops up and basically tells him, "Shut up, I don't have to explain anything to you." Job, having finally done something wrong, pleads for mercy, and God eventually gives him back animals and children — new ones, because the old ones are still dead. Because of a bet. That God made with Satan. For kicks. (Job 1)

:dead:
 
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Chez Lopez

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YAHUSHA HA MASHIACH
this is a good thread. I invite any bizarre biblical stories to be approached in the bible study thread. Most bible stories are bizarre but have real life application and evidence. Coversation about strangeness instead of denying the strangeness is greatly appreciated.
 
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Yeah
Bro you look a light skinned Smeagol just fukking stop it.

You're in your late 30's you've knocked up some lame asian chick.

And that doesn't even begin to describe how "swagless" you are.


You wanna talk about my car game?

:wow:


Messaging me about what Audi's cost to maintain and end up buying an 06' Acura.

:deadmanny:

I bet you don't even own your house.


I've spent more on cars in the last five than the assessed value of your apartment complex.


The fruit of your labor, is the life of a c-list movie script.


:deadmanny:
:damn:
 
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