Man... I want a family but I'm not ready. I gotta get my mind and money right first. I was down at the cacfront aka the waterfront watching the beautiful sunset. It look like something that you would see on a post card. The sun light shining off of lake Erie was so angelic it gave me energy. The water was wavy bouncing around in the wind as boats sailed by. It was quite prepossessing. Some cacs started walking too close behind me and I get paranoid somebody might push me over the rail. So I swiftly made my exit.
I was listening to jayz-smile. Trying to learn how to smile again. Hov got a way of talking about the pain of the black man in a very profound and compelling way. Then the part where his mom talks about coming from the shadows and smiling is amazing. I'm trying to just smile but I gotta beast inside that thirst for something so greater, he wont stop knocking on the doors of my conscience. I cant kept him chained for long.
I always observe people with strollers and couples walking. I get envious and angry deep down but make myself feel better by justifying my loneliness by thinking atleast I'm not tied up and don't have the burden of looking after other people. But I want to be a family man and protect and provide deep inside.
Something about not having a kingdom makes a man feel incomplete. I thought about that while riding through Buffalo sadly deserted downtown streets. I was banging silk road by rick ross. Voume turned up to 40/45. Windows knocking from the bass. Had it on repeat feeling the lyrics. "I did it all for you, I did it all for you" I was flying down the freeway doing rebellious but not too dangerous 70 MPH. Swerving lanes, cutting slow drivers off, win blowing in my face. thinking to myself "was it worth it" "did I waste my life chasing something that don't exist?""is this "dream" really just like a real a dream that doesn't exist... that one day I'll wake up from as a failure"?
Who did I do it for? I think a man having a family actually would make the sacrifices sweeter because I know when the money comes in end. I'll be the same empty man just with money. I put myself in this position so I don't blame anybody for not having kids. Not being in a committed relationship do eat at me as I get older. I try to ignore but it comes back daily.
I thought I would have a big family of 8 when i was a kid but now I think about maintaining the little bit of joy that I have internally. Whatever tho....
edit: bonus
the lake visual
I was listening to jayz-smile. Trying to learn how to smile again. Hov got a way of talking about the pain of the black man in a very profound and compelling way. Then the part where his mom talks about coming from the shadows and smiling is amazing. I'm trying to just smile but I gotta beast inside that thirst for something so greater, he wont stop knocking on the doors of my conscience. I cant kept him chained for long.
I always observe people with strollers and couples walking. I get envious and angry deep down but make myself feel better by justifying my loneliness by thinking atleast I'm not tied up and don't have the burden of looking after other people. But I want to be a family man and protect and provide deep inside.
Something about not having a kingdom makes a man feel incomplete. I thought about that while riding through Buffalo sadly deserted downtown streets. I was banging silk road by rick ross. Voume turned up to 40/45. Windows knocking from the bass. Had it on repeat feeling the lyrics. "I did it all for you, I did it all for you" I was flying down the freeway doing rebellious but not too dangerous 70 MPH. Swerving lanes, cutting slow drivers off, win blowing in my face. thinking to myself "was it worth it" "did I waste my life chasing something that don't exist?""is this "dream" really just like a real a dream that doesn't exist... that one day I'll wake up from as a failure"?
Who did I do it for? I think a man having a family actually would make the sacrifices sweeter because I know when the money comes in end. I'll be the same empty man just with money. I put myself in this position so I don't blame anybody for not having kids. Not being in a committed relationship do eat at me as I get older. I try to ignore but it comes back daily.
I thought I would have a big family of 8 when i was a kid but now I think about maintaining the little bit of joy that I have internally. Whatever tho....
edit: bonus
the lake visual
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i did it all all for you
