Brehs, I need some real life relationship advice

[BrehWyatt]

It's hard for me to say OP should toss that relationship to the bushes because according to him, it has gone as well as it possibly could have. He's just not ready to get married. Granted, I wouldn't be co-habitating with a chick that I wasn't married to or heading that way with. In fact, we'd have to be engaged before we shacked up together, at least. That's me, though. Anyway, you don't have to marry someone or propose to someone to feel like you can't see a life without them. So, ask yourself can you see a life without her.

If you can't, communicate that to her and both of y'all need to find a way to compromise without sacrificing yourselves and what you two want. That's how good relationships work, right?

But if you can't compromise on this, then maybe there's your answer.

 

[Ashley Banks]

It's hard for me to say OP should toss that relationship to the bushes because according to him, it has gone as well as it possibly could have. He's just not ready to get married. Granted, I wouldn't be co-habitating with a chick that I wasn't married to or heading that way with. In fact, we'd have to be engaged before we shacked up together, at least. That's me, though. Anyway, you don't have to marry someone or propose to someone to feel like you can't see a life without them. So, ask yourself can you see a life without her.

If you can't, communicate that to her and both of y'all need to find a way to compromise without sacrificing yourselves and what you two want. That's how good relationships work, right?

But if you can't compromise on this, then maybe there's your answer.

He just needs to leave. If she comprises she might not ever be able to have kids naturally. So he just needs to stop giving her false hope and move on.

 

[2pac_Westside]

It's hard for me to say OP should toss that relationship to the bushes because according to him, it has gone as well as it possibly could have. He's just not ready to get married. Granted, I wouldn't be co-habitating with a chick that I wasn't married to or heading that way with. In fact, we'd have to be engaged before we shacked up together, at least. That's me, though. Anyway, you don't have to marry someone or propose to someone to feel like you can't see a life without them. So, ask yourself can you see a life without her.

If you can't, communicate that to her and both of y'all need to find a way to compromise without sacrificing yourselves and what you two want. That's how good relationships work, right?

But if you can't compromise on this, then maybe there's your answer.

The reason I stayed with her is because I thought I would be ready to get married by now, I didn't expect it to be December of 2014 and still undecided if I was ready or not

I still take responsibility though for letting it get so far

 

[SteelCitySoldier]

Aint even finish reading. If you ain't ready for what she want then step away. I been there and done it. She might be "the one" but if you ain't ready for what she want then hit yourself wit


No matter how you you feel bout her DON'T shyt on her. You ain't ready then keep that shyt 100 . If it was meant for y'all to be together it will happen buy don't play wit her feelings. These women is crazy homie... I got stories for days. You aint never believed shyt on the net...believe this today. Keep it 100 wit her.

 

[vicioustalk]

I get y she's giving u an ultimatum... But like everyone else marriage is a big step if ur not ready I guess it's time to call it quits

 

[BrehWyatt]

He just needs to leave. If she comprises she might not ever be able to have kids naturally. So he just needs to stop giving her false hope and move on.

Probably, but that's easier said than done when the dude is involved in a 4.5 year relationship that has -- so far -- been everything he could hope for. It's hard to walk away from a good situation, especially in matters of the heart. Besides, the dude said he does want kids later on down the line. Also, I said THEY need to compromise, not just her. A truly good relationship is not one where a single party has to do all the adaptation/sacrificing. That's not a partnership, and that's not a lie worth keeping up for appearance's sake.

As for OP, I can't tell you to rush things, breh. I'm also of the opinion that if you've been going strong for almost five years, you should have some kind of idea by now whether or not she's wifey material and it shouldn't have to come on some ultimatum shyt. On some level, I feel like you should know by now. But I'm not you. Anyway, if you're not ready, you're not ready. And if that means y'all gotta break it off, so be it. I'm just not the type of person that wants to see something that might have a chance of being saved get shot to hell because no effort was made to salvage it, and this situation seems like more communication could only help sort it out.

I will tell you this. The two strongest relationships I've ever seen with my own eyes? They each had at least one break-up. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

 

[Dolla$]

At the end of the day..one good girl is worth a thousand bytches

To be in a happy relationship for 4 years is an accomplishment and i envy you..i'd like to think that i would have no problems making that commitment if i ever meet someone that could keep me happy for that long. She can only help get you where you want to be in life right? At least i would assume so if your relationship is as good as you say it is

 

[Ashley Banks]

Probably, but that's easier said than done when the dude is involved in a 4.5 year relationship that has -- so far -- been everything he could hope for. It's hard to walk away from a good situation, especially in matters of the heart. Besides, the dude said he does want kids later on down the line. Also, I said THEY need to compromise, not just her. A truly good relationship is not one where a single party has to do all the adaptation/sacrificing. That's not a partnership, and that's not a lie worth keeping up for appearance's sake.

I guess it's just hard for y'all to understand being men and all but that time spent "compromising" with a dude you've been with for 4.5 years, she could be with someone that actually knows what he wants. It's easy for you guys to be like "oh just wait" but every time she goes to the doctor they give her the high risk pregnancy talk. They've been together for over 4 years living together for most of it yet he doesn't know if he wants to marry her or not, why waste her time? Him being indecisive could fukk up her life plans. Just let her go, don't make her think she has a chance.

 

[HoustonHeat]

She has time biologically, your eggs don't start hunching over till closer to late 30s and she can get her hormonal levels checked with her gyno now if she wants reassurance.

I'm a woman and I don't think you should get married.
I also don't think she realizes what she is asking of you.
What woman really wants to marry a man that she basically pressured into committing? Women want men who are excited to get married to her, not one who does it begrudgingly. I've seen a few of my girlfriends pressure their longterm dudes into this and wonder why he sulked through the wedding planning, showed resentment at home after the honeymoon, and became a hands off and hesitant father. Or they married someone who wasn't ready financially and the women now want to complain about their joint financial situation.

Marriage is not the goal of the game, it is only the beginning and it is for life.
If she wanted to be with you forever, she would hear you out, but I hope you were clear with her from the get go.

 

[TrapWard-$crewston-TX]

sounds like the consensus is you're totally flaking out, you have no clue about the direction of your life, or this relationship. homegirl wants some stability, and if you don't want to offer that, then just let her know, I don't see what's the big deal.

if you ain't her baby daddy, then just abandon ship!

 

[Dolla$]

I guess it's just hard for y'all to understand being men and all but that time spent "compromising" with a dude you've been with for 4.5 years, she could be with someone that actually knows what he wants. It's easy for you guys to be like "oh just wait" but every time she goes to the doctor they give her the high risk pregnancy talk. They've been together for over 4 years living together for most of it yet he doesn't know if he wants to marry her or not, why waste her time? Him being indecisive could fukk up her life plans. Just let her go, don't make her think she has a chance.

Realistically speaking its not like she is gonna gonna go and get married and have kids within the first half of 2015. She will be in a situation where she will have to wait regardless..so why not use that time to try to compromise and build with dude

 

[Ashley Banks]

Realistically speaking its not like she is gonna gonna go and get married and have kids within the first half of 2015. She will be in a situation where she will have to wait regardless..so why not use that time to try to compromise and build with dude

Maybe It's just me but I'd choose starting over with someone else or just being single over staying with a dude that doesn't know if he wants to be with me after 4+ years. Like how do you not know after 4.5 years? I would just leave. ugh

 

[BrehWyatt]

I guess it's just hard for y'all to understand being men and all but that time spent "compromising" with a dude you've been with for 4.5 years, she could be with someone that actually knows what he wants. It's easy for you guys to be like "oh just wait" but every time she goes to the doctor they give her the high risk pregnancy talk. They've been together for over 4 years living together for most of it yet he doesn't know if he wants to marry her or not, why waste her time? Him being indecisive could fukk up her life plans. Just let her go, don't make her think she has a chance.

I'm going on the information OP presented in the thread. I haven't seen him mention that she's gotten such high-risk pregnancy talks. All I have to go on, is that for the better part of five years, they have had a damn good relationship and she wants that ring, which is understandable. If that's the case, either they agree on everything or both sides have done their fair share of adapting to one another. The dude just said he stayed with her because he thought he would be ready to cuff her for life, and come to find out he wasn't. It might not have worked out that way, but his intention seemed in the right place.

Here's a thought: If time is of the essence for her (and from what I saw, she didn't ask him to knock her up, she just asked him to put a ring on it), then why would she give him a whole calendar year to think about it on top of the years they've already been together? Her clock is ticking away during those 365 days. That's a whole year she could have saved if she just broke it off from the jump. Instead, she threw the ball in his court instead of them sitting down and just talking it out. It's not right to waste somebody's time, but it's foolish to allow someone to be in the position to waste time you can't afford to lose.

And don't get me wrong, OP's girl is not wrong in how's she's thinking. I agree with the idea that OP should have known his intentions by now and if it's me, I wouldn't co-habitate with a girl I don't expect to wife. But I'm not him and I don't think like him on this issue.

If he's not ready to give her what she wants, he's gotta walk away. I'd hope they can find a way to work around it because good, strong relationships are hard to come by. But if they can't, they can't.

 

[TrapWard-$crewston-TX]

 

[ThatKidBlackHippy]

my two cents,if this is a real thread about your life and not a troll ting:

put aside the mentality of the game or you vs her or the ultimatum aside just for a second

think about what you really want - like others have said, is being single something you really want to experience right now, more so than being with her, or vice versa?

if you are indecisive naturally then i don't know my g, it's life, do some internal searching and make a decision

now, talk to her about the decision. if she is the person you say she is she should be reasonable enough to at least hear you out. the reason why i mentioned the ultimatum thing earlier is because if you two can have a real conversation about whatever decision you choose, that whole discussion shouldnt even matter anymore one way or another - obviously you shouldn't feel coerced to marry her, so if you do choose to want to continue the relationship, a honest conversation could erase the entire concept of "marry me or else" as you will be able to discuss your reasons behind why you do and/or do not want to marry immediately, etc

if i made sense and this helped, cool, if not good luck