This is actually good explanation for it. I never thought of it like that. I used to have the mindset of marriage but after moving from Nigeria to London all that is gone. I was told by friends in order to not cheat in marriage you need to hoe around in your 20s to get it out of your system. I am 23 so I still have a long way to go
How can black women do right by black men?
- Thread starter ComorianKid
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This is actually good explanation for it. I never thought of it like that. I used to have the mindset of marriage but after moving from Nigeria to London all that is gone. I was told by friends in order to not cheat in marriage you need to hoe around in your 20s to get it out of your system. I am 23 so I still have a long way to go
I would never advise getting around, given some of the health risks out there.
But, I do think we all have to get the immaturity out of our systems. To me, for a woman, that should happen from 18-24 if she wants to get married before 35.
25-29 should be about deliberate and focused dating if a woman wants to get married and have a family on her terms. They can snag quality men that mirror their age on up to 45 when they are in that 25-29 phase. So, they have tremendous power to weed nikkas out.
Once they hit 30+, the math changes. Most men are just hitting their career stride and want to enjoy the fruits of that. He will go for the younger woman who will not be on an accelerated dash to beat the biological clock. So, a 30+ woman will have a hard time locking down a qualityman at that same age. She will not typically date considerably younger men. So, she is forced to entertain older men who may have baggage, etc.
That's it right there.
A lot of black men and women are not passed down life insurance policies because older generation didn't believe in them..
Then a lot of homes wasn't passed down to the kids and was lost...however in some instances like my cousins who had homes passed down to them and homes that was paid for, they tried to flip the home on some real estate shyt and all failed..
Then wouldn't it also be ridiculous to expect blk women to get married as early as other races of women if many of our men are unprepared for the enterprise?
Most marriages occur within same age groups. A young college blk woman as young as 18-21 shouldn't have to look to a 30+ blk male as a husband when she wants someone who she can at least relate to in her generation. A ten year age gap is breeding grounds for martial and relationship issues in a lot of cases.
I don't mind what u said b/c that actually explains why marriage between blk men and women happens later in life. But given all that you have said, many blks even in their 30s are still trying to get it together. Stats show that by age 55 blk women are married to blk men at rates similar to other races of women and at higher rates in some states.
I honestly don't think this is the fault of black men. Or blk women. I think most of us are so focused on the grind that we hold off on marriage b/c we see it as a hinderance.
Meanwhile a minority of others in our community ain't building at all and just fukking indiscriminately.
The affects of the generational wealth gap in our community is one of the biggest factors in our struggle.
if it was easy to get higher self esteem, everyone would get it. The environment/societies that black girls live in is not conducive to them having high self esteem. Many of the young black women who are "confident" are faking it in hopes that they believe it. Your advice is as good as telling a sick man to find a cure to his sickness.
Yes many BW and black girls have low self-esteem because the environment tears them down any chance they get and everything they do they have to do a million times better with half as much, if any, consideration. So...ya not shocking!
There is nothing to miss and poverty exist everywhere, each generation has their struggle but lack of self-worth existed throughout the decades. Just because people are on survival mode does not mean they don't grapple with low self esteem.
Wow...a lot of you are still stuck on the 19-27 lie white men fed you because their women age like milk; if 19-27 is your prime years as a woman you lost - a woman that stays in shape and has motivation to stay in 'peak form' will stay in peak form until she absolutely can't. Black women are not white women and shouldn't be held to that short time-frame just cause WW are. WW primes are 16 - 24 which is why they chase after men eagerly during that time period and why white men are obsessed with the age 16 - white men also have way harsher beauty standards (most of which rely on youth) which is why that time period is crucial for WW; those rules do not apply to black women and should not be used to compare. WW generally 'thot' around from preteens - 27 and black women from 16 - 30. It evens out, just that WM and WS help to protect WW as virtuous despite their pasts and BW don't get that treatment. WW can be reformed and BW must wear her scarlet letter for life...that's how the two communities operate but BW have tried to deviate from our cultural norm and have failed tremendously...
IMO Black women SHOULD wait longer to seek long-term relationships and have children because our community is not in a state for them to be SAHMs (though it's better for the child) and then 'return' to working - they need to get as far up the ladder as they can before they have kids and that means better pay, more vacation time, more accrued sick leave, potential tele-working ability etc. All the black women I know who've had kids around 30-36 all have better parenting situations. For one, a lot of their parents are retired by that point and they get free child-care, and again, having the work experience and moving up the ladder, they have a bit more flexibility in how they manage the work-life balance but anyways.....
Seems like people forget that women can only chose from the options available to them, if you live in the hood, you're going to date hood dudes. You don't have any other option. You can take a walk down rodeo drive but water seeks it's own level. You'd have to be standout attractive to date a man out of your soci-economic class...most women aren't that attractive... a successful man will, more often then not, take a successful but 'average' looking woman from a familiar background over a more attractive girl from a totally different one and that stems from comfort levels. This obviously excludes athletes and entertainers who are the poster children of rescuing women from their socio-economic class.... Black media and our community tells BW that thugs and the like can be reformed while at the same time being more exciting. We had Stomp the Yard which had the love interest dump an aspiring lawyer to date a dancer with an attitude...that's the message that gets sent out to BW...professional BM are lame, thugs and entertainers- flashy dudes, that's where it's at. Black women consume a lot of media...makes sense that those images would stick and be reflected in real life.
If black men aren't starting to 'get it together' until 30, their is no incentive for BW to do any differently - that's the facts.
Anyways, if I were to tell black women anything it would be to stop aspiring to be pseudo WW...that's not for BW - you can't do what they do and get the same results. Look at how stuff is now...trying to do like WW and not getting the same results but BW are still collectively trying.
IMO Black women SHOULD wait longer to seek long-term relationships and have children because our community is not in a state for them to be SAHMs (though it's better for the child) and then 'return' to working - they need to get as far up the ladder as they can before they have kids and that means better pay, more vacation time, more accrued sick leave, potential tele-working ability etc. All the black women I know who've had kids around 30-36 all have better parenting situations. For one, a lot of their parents are retired by that point and they get free child-care, and again, having the work experience and moving up the ladder, they have a bit more flexibility in how they manage the work-life balance but anyways.....
Seems like people forget that women can only chose from the options available to them, if you live in the hood, you're going to date hood dudes. You don't have any other option. You can take a walk down rodeo drive but water seeks it's own level. You'd have to be standout attractive to date a man out of your soci-economic class...most women aren't that attractive... a successful man will, more often then not, take a successful but 'average' looking woman from a familiar background over a more attractive girl from a totally different one and that stems from comfort levels. This obviously excludes athletes and entertainers who are the poster children of rescuing women from their socio-economic class.... Black media and our community tells BW that thugs and the like can be reformed while at the same time being more exciting. We had Stomp the Yard which had the love interest dump an aspiring lawyer to date a dancer with an attitude...that's the message that gets sent out to BW...professional BM are lame, thugs and entertainers- flashy dudes, that's where it's at. Black women consume a lot of media...makes sense that those images would stick and be reflected in real life.
If black men aren't starting to 'get it together' until 30, their is no incentive for BW to do any differently - that's the facts.
Anyways, if I were to tell black women anything it would be to stop aspiring to be pseudo WW...that's not for BW - you can't do what they do and get the same results. Look at how stuff is now...trying to do like WW and not getting the same results but BW are still collectively trying.
@Lesfilles You have made some very good salient points here, which I must agree as BW living in White dominated countries. One thing, I agree with the guys here a bit more is waiting much later to get married. I find that in observation Black girls are much later in entering the relationship game than their fairer counterparts. Legit boyfriend/girlfriend relationships don't start till late high school to predominately college/uni.
Also BW and having kids too early. White girls are no more angelic than black girls BUT they leave less evidence of that than BW. Even in the suburbs I have been raised, I have seen more black girls end up with kids too soon than their fairer counterparts.
BW struggle with the fact that the same blackness in boys/men that makes them appealing & cool especially throughouyt middle school/high school is not perceived the same way when it comes to girls. It is often deemed unappealing unless a black'ish' or a no-black girl is doing it. That is why feeds the instagram, Kardashian/Jenner, etc...frenzy of black girl style on non-black girls.
So BW are hyper aware that they won't get praise/recognition for the stuff that we do the same way that other girls would. This I blame both BM and BW. I have had too many black girlfriends putting girls on, just to find themselves 'forgotten' after the fact.
The competition is real for BW in relationships, career, etc...and we have to stop sharing what we possess with others. If that means being called bitter/jealous/low self-esteem so be it.
Many BW need to stop viewing finding suitable life partner is desperate. I have had too many black girls unwilling to put in effort in finding the man want and whine about non-blacks getting easily.
True, they get cut more slack than we do, but they also put in the work. Also put yourself in environment to get the relationships that you want. If you know than an area is not black girl friendly than relocate. I'd say Black women who know the game and are better equipped need to start sharing their knowledge with younger women.
Finally, APPEARANCE. Yes, looks matter. Yes I can understand it can be disheartening that some women seem to get what they want in relationships quicker than others bu slacking on your appearance to prove a point is the nail on so many black women coffin.
Also BW and having kids too early. White girls are no more angelic than black girls BUT they leave less evidence of that than BW. Even in the suburbs I have been raised, I have seen more black girls end up with kids too soon than their fairer counterparts.
BW struggle with the fact that the same blackness in boys/men that makes them appealing & cool especially throughouyt middle school/high school is not perceived the same way when it comes to girls. It is often deemed unappealing unless a black'ish' or a no-black girl is doing it. That is why feeds the instagram, Kardashian/Jenner, etc...frenzy of black girl style on non-black girls.
So BW are hyper aware that they won't get praise/recognition for the stuff that we do the same way that other girls would. This I blame both BM and BW. I have had too many black girlfriends putting girls on, just to find themselves 'forgotten' after the fact.
The competition is real for BW in relationships, career, etc...and we have to stop sharing what we possess with others. If that means being called bitter/jealous/low self-esteem so be it.
Many BW need to stop viewing finding suitable life partner is desperate. I have had too many black girls unwilling to put in effort in finding the man want and whine about non-blacks getting easily.
True, they get cut more slack than we do, but they also put in the work. Also put yourself in environment to get the relationships that you want. If you know than an area is not black girl friendly than relocate. I'd say Black women who know the game and are better equipped need to start sharing their knowledge with younger women.
Finally, APPEARANCE. Yes, looks matter. Yes I can understand it can be disheartening that some women seem to get what they want in relationships quicker than others bu slacking on your appearance to prove a point is the nail on so many black women coffin.
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I would say to seek counseling to combat depression from the trauma of growing up in a white society and from abuses that have happened to many blk women in our community.
I'm often horrified by the many stories of sexual abuse many of my closest blk female friends have shared with me. A lot of self-esteem issues have their roots in abuse that started young and was silenced or suppressed out of fear of disrupting the families.
The results of that abuse doesn't go away. Couple this with our sometimes neurotic need to take on the problems of others to the detriment of ourselves and you get major depression that we never deal with that comes out in ur relationships. We advocate for everyone but ourselves in the right ways.
You aren't going to stop the haters. No matter how good you are there will be somebody to try and tear you down so you have to learn to let some stuff go and focus on you so you can be whole. It's not okay to be a supporting character in the story of your own life. Black women end up allowing people to use them and waste their entire lives trying to be something ur not and it's really gotta stop.
I'm often horrified by the many stories of sexual abuse many of my closest blk female friends have shared with me. A lot of self-esteem issues have their roots in abuse that started young and was silenced or suppressed out of fear of disrupting the families.
The results of that abuse doesn't go away. Couple this with our sometimes neurotic need to take on the problems of others to the detriment of ourselves and you get major depression that we never deal with that comes out in ur relationships. We advocate for everyone but ourselves in the right ways.
You aren't going to stop the haters. No matter how good you are there will be somebody to try and tear you down so you have to learn to let some stuff go and focus on you so you can be whole. It's not okay to be a supporting character in the story of your own life. Black women end up allowing people to use them and waste their entire lives trying to be something ur not and it's really gotta stop.
@Booksnrain Funny story: I had a Korean chick call me not black enough because at the time I was more reserved/quiet. Hung out more with white and asian girls (not on purpose, just by lack of us around). I purposely joined the black history club to spend more time with people who looked at me.This girls was given free pass to enter (you know how our door is opened to everyone). And she was bossing these big gyal/slick mouthed west Indian girls and these girls were going with it, when if it was another black chick doing the same thing they would cut up quick.
Anyway, I got pissed off and told her off that she is a visitor, and not black and need to stop trying with her Afro perm to think she can be us just because she imitates our style and slang. Girlfriend got pissed and called me racist and left the group. The other girls who though me too meek, cheered on as soon as they had left. Personally, I was disgusted how much these black girls were kissing this Asian's girls feet and had no guts to stand up to her and it came down to little old me.
I am in my 20s and I see a lot of this with black girls especially those living in the city (I live in the suburbs). Also I get my beauty inspiration from other BW and those are the ones who I put the utmost of my support. I am not accepting a sorry imitation of the real thing, that is why so many of these non-black chicks don't impress me when a black girl can do the same thing and better.
Anyway, I got pissed off and told her off that she is a visitor, and not black and need to stop trying with her Afro perm to think she can be us just because she imitates our style and slang. Girlfriend got pissed and called me racist and left the group. The other girls who though me too meek, cheered on as soon as they had left. Personally, I was disgusted how much these black girls were kissing this Asian's girls feet and had no guts to stand up to her and it came down to little old me.
I am in my 20s and I see a lot of this with black girls especially those living in the city (I live in the suburbs). Also I get my beauty inspiration from other BW and those are the ones who I put the utmost of my support. I am not accepting a sorry imitation of the real thing, that is why so many of these non-black chicks don't impress me when a black girl can do the same thing and better.
