New York Times: Men, where have you gone? Please come back
- Thread starter SnugglesDaBear
- Start date
Vandelay
Life is absurd. Lean into it.
Bumblebreh
Collecting honey and money
The fukkery in the current dating market is more in relation to the current state of late stage capitalism. But people do not want to have that type of conversation.
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I get where the writer is coming from as there’s a longing for real connection, and modern dating can feel hollow... But her stuff leans way too hard on nostalgia and this assumption that all men have emotionally withdrawn out of nowhere.
It glosses over very valid, and real reasons guys might be checking out: burnout, rejection fatigue, lack of trust, or disinterest in the way relationships are framed now. Men didn’t vanish because they forgot how to love, they may have just stopped seeing it as worth the cost.
It glosses over very valid, and real reasons guys might be checking out: burnout, rejection fatigue, lack of trust, or disinterest in the way relationships are framed now. Men didn’t vanish because they forgot how to love, they may have just stopped seeing it as worth the cost.
Piff Perkins
Veteran
There's something disingenuous about casting this era's anti-social, phone driven culture entirely on men as if women didn't retreat behind phones and filters first. The difference is that women still go to brunch physically while being emotionally unavailable because of personas they developed via the apps and likes and hashtags.
Am I concerned with the physical retreat of men? Of course and have spoken about it before. We face a decline of "the guy." Meaning the guy who knows the best steakhouses in town. The guy who can give you a top 15 list of the best taco joints in the city. The guy who can curate the best bar hopping experience. The guy who finds the nicest, quietest parks to chill out in. Those are the guys who typically get in relationships, get married, etc because they're constantly in situations where they can run into like-minded women. What we have now are antisocial guys who don't go anywhere or do anything. It's not a money issue in most cases, given that they order food weekly (if not daily). They'd rather be home playing videogames and doing jack shyt. This is bad for society.
Women have been better communicators than men for decades but I think it's gotten to extreme levels now that men have fewer things they enjoy doing, learning about, becoming experts in, etc. When those avenues disappear you're left with guys who can't talk in person, struggle to text coherently, sometimes struggle to read, and don't want to do anything besides "chill" at home. Often their success with women is based entirely on whether they can convince her to enter their antisocial world (meet ups at the crib instead of a first date, for instance).
Am I concerned with the physical retreat of men? Of course and have spoken about it before. We face a decline of "the guy." Meaning the guy who knows the best steakhouses in town. The guy who can give you a top 15 list of the best taco joints in the city. The guy who can curate the best bar hopping experience. The guy who finds the nicest, quietest parks to chill out in. Those are the guys who typically get in relationships, get married, etc because they're constantly in situations where they can run into like-minded women. What we have now are antisocial guys who don't go anywhere or do anything. It's not a money issue in most cases, given that they order food weekly (if not daily). They'd rather be home playing videogames and doing jack shyt. This is bad for society.
Women have been better communicators than men for decades but I think it's gotten to extreme levels now that men have fewer things they enjoy doing, learning about, becoming experts in, etc. When those avenues disappear you're left with guys who can't talk in person, struggle to text coherently, sometimes struggle to read, and don't want to do anything besides "chill" at home. Often their success with women is based entirely on whether they can convince her to enter their antisocial world (meet ups at the crib instead of a first date, for instance).
Right in time for the recession.
ChatGPT summary -
Here are the key points from Rachel Drucker’s Modern Love essay “Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back” (published June 20, 2025) based on the Reddit thread summary :
1. A cultural shift in male presence
2. From real connection to “directionless orbiting”
- Many men have withdrawn from vulnerability and intimacy, not through aggression but through indifference. They are no longer fully “present” on dates or in connections.
3. Emotional retreat and convenience culture
- The author laments the rise of “situationships”: casual emoji check-ins and flirtation without real commitment or movement forward—an abdication of emotional ownership.
4. The erosion of intimacy rituals
- Men increasingly prefer curated, frictionless digital experiences—scrolling, filters, passive engagement—over the messy process of genuine human connection.
5. A call for rediscovering presence
- Shared rituals—like lingering over breakfast after a one-night stand—have largely disappeared, replaced by walled-off experiences and missed moments of closeness.
- The author invites men to return with authenticity and willingness, not perfection—highlighting the need for breath, eye contact, emotional presence, and simply being with each other.
Standout Quotes from the Essay
“The way many men had quietly withdrawn from intimacy and vulnerability. Not with violence or resistance, but with indifference.”
“What I won’t entertain is directionless orbiting … We call it a situationship. But mostly, it’s avoidance.”
In essence, Drucker explores how male emotional absence, driven by digital convenience and cultural burnout, is reshaping romantic rituals. She believes women continue to show up—waiting for men to show up with intention. And her plea is simple: “Come back—not with fireworks, but with your whole, beautiful, imperfect heart.”
Totally comes from the "Me-Too era" reaction and men seeing women having thousands of followers on social media while they think that they're "models" and "stars". It seems that many newer generation also lack social skills due to growing up being online. The attention spans have lowered for sure. Now if it seems like an effort, fellas are tuning out. She says a lot of the same things we've been saying on here the last few years. I see limitless tik toks and instagram posts of women struggling talking about "where are the men" and willing to adjust their standards to be more realistic........it seems like it may be too late for many of them though.
Vandelay
Life is absurd. Lean into it.
I denied that we were in late stage capitalism, because I thought it was a buzzword people caught wind of and used to sound like they are smart. No, we're definitely in the later stages of it. Dating amongst other things is definitely reflecting it.
Cloutius Maximus
with the aid of the Funk...
it's not over for em if they body is on point or they learn to cook
American men (millennials, gen-z) want unconditional surrender tho
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Feminism is what a lot of these women want
I have my own house, my car, Degree and career
“I don’t need a man, if i want one i can have one”
And the men they do get and want is only finessing they way into the draws and bouncing because they have better options
I have my own house, my car, Degree and career
“I don’t need a man, if i want one i can have one”
And the men they do get and want is only finessing they way into the draws and bouncing because they have better options
Digital Shaman
All Star
Once again these women never look inwards and put in effort and agency. They cannot fathom the idea that they are actually horrible people.
SnugglesDaBear
Superstar
Wall Street Journal now too. What’s going on?
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