NFL: Why Your Team Sucks

[Ku$h Parker]

*Reads the Houston Texans Article*

@TheNig & @Soundwave Lost

 

[TheNig]

*Reads the Houston Texans Article*

@TheNig & @Soundwave Lost

No shyt @Soundwave lost.

 

[Soundwave]

*Reads the Houston Texans Article*

@TheNig & @Soundwave Lost

No shyt @Soundwave lost.

Negged

 

[Street Knowledge]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-s...source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

Dolphins 2014

"The Packers had Brett Favre, who didn't miss a game in forever, and then went immediately to Aaron Rodgers. The Colts and their crack head owner tanked for one goddamn season and went from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck.

Dan Marino retired FIFTEEN seasons ago and the best quarterback that the Dolphins have had in that time is Chad Pennington."

"Also have you been to a Dolphin's game? God it's a terrible experience. Out of the 200 people that show up, 170 leave at halftime because it's so fukking hot and Tom Brady has already thrown for six touchdowns."

 

[954UAlreadyknow]

shyt is comedy EVERY year

 

[bangbreh]

i couldn't even finish the 'hawks one. that one was so terribly forced and the team having won the bowl after what they said is just retarded and unnecessary to give time to read.
the comments, which i presume are multiple co-workers of the writers are bullshyt too.
except the drinking part, i know they go ham in there

 

[DirtyD]

Your coach: Bill Belichick. FUN FACT: Whenever Bill Belichick trades a player for refusing a pay cut, Jim Nantz has to go wipe the ejaculate off the inside of his khakis. Belichick controls his players like a 19th century railroad magnate, and nothing pleases the hot take providers of America more. Every Tom, dikk, and Sully thinks a player who would dare play for another team besides the Patriots, or even consider getting more money in free agency, is unworthy of being a Belichick Man.

My parents have lived in northern Connecticut for the past 23 years. Last summer, my sister decided to move back from the West Coast, because it had gotten too expensive and she wanted to be closer to my mom and dad (free day care!). After she moved her family, I thought to myself, You know what? Maybe we should move nearby, too. We could be closer to my whole family: my mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, everyone! So I took my family up for a weekend and started scouting neighborhoods on the outskirts of Hartford, far away enough from New York to be at the fringes of Ma$$hole country.
This wasn't a lark. This was something I had been seriously considering. It made perfect sense, from both a financial and personal standpoint. I drove around in the rain, looking at a few houses that were tucked back into the woods (New England towns are always shrouded in woods and seeming perpetual darkness) and checking out town squares. And then I drove by a local high school. I eased the car up the driveway and pulled around to the entrance, and outside there were four students in Red Sox hats. They were Ma$$holes in spirit, even if we weren't technically in Massachusetts. They had the dirty stubble. They had the shytty hats. They had that typical a$$hole Boston sports fan look of arrogant misery. Looked like they had just punched out a packy store clerk for not having any Kodiak behind the counter.

And I thought to myself… NOPE. No fukking way. I had two sons and I wasn't letting them grow up to be THAT. I'd far prefer they grow up to become dipshyt Maryland lax bros. ANYTHING is preferable. I ditched the idea on the spot. That's how much you motherfukkers suck. All those titles in every sport and you're all STILL unhappy. All the fukking time. If my team had three rings, I would skip around my neighborhood naked all day long, throwing cupcake sprinkles at everyone.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-new-england-patriots-1629216508

Not only did the Skins trade away a bunch of picks for the privilege of ruining RGIII, but they ruined him IMMEDIATELY. I mean, they didn't even get a full season of goodness out of him before running him into the ground and molding him in their image: paranoid, defensive, constantly concocting a list of bogeymen to whine about, and completely lacking in self-awareness ...


Who are these THEY people? I didn't know you in high school, a$$hole. The reason people doubt you now is because you looked fukking terrible last season and this preseason. And you still won't fukking slide! Congratulations, Skins. You have a quarterback who is effective only when he is trying to get himself hurt. It's everything you ever deserved. RGIII is done. Already. He'll never be as good as he was in his rookie year, and it's the team's fault.

By the way, I live in the DC area, and the clamor for backup QB Kirk Cousins here is all too real. They love his GRIT. That Cousins … you don't see him complaining about being a backup! They love Kirk Cousins here, even though Cousins got progressively worse in all three of his starts last December. Skins fans still labor under the delusion that Cousins is some kind of magic asset who will net them an RGIII trade in reverse. I wouldn't trade a broken Slinky for Kirk Cousins. Why would you ever want him to start over RGIII? Your team just traded EVERYTHING for RGIII. You should really want that trade to work out. I swear they want Cousins to start because teaching RGIII some kind of lesson is more important to them than actually winning stuff.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-washington-redskins-1629678313

 

[daemonova]

I swear they want Cousins to start because teaching RGIII some kind of lesson is more important to them than actually winning stuff.

are you sure these people are not UGA fans

 

[Ku$h Parker]

If I could see David Tyree beaten to death with his own detached limbs, I'd willingly subject myself to the same torture afterwards. Not only is he a shyt head on the field, he's a shyt head off. This motherfukker said he'd trade "the catch" for a universal ban on gay marriage. Most Pats fans probably would too, I suppose, but still. fukk that guy.

fukk that goober Eli Manning and fukk that bigot David Tyree.

Eli Manning can climb a wall of dikks, mouth-first.

Sup @Brady-Carter

 

[Brady-Carter]

Sup @Brady-Carter

fukk David Tyree.

 

[Bboystyle]

Mike McCarthy sucks and we all hate him. I'm not even going to get into the fact that he hasn't put Dom Capers out of his misery; that's low-hanging fruit. I would rather trust "Ask the Coach" on Madden to be more contextually aware when it comes to play-calling than McCarthy.




Kuhn. fukking Kuhn. He's still there! What, did they give him a lifetime contract or something? Can't he die? At least Wes Welker is a productive whiteboy favorite. But the fukking Kuhn lumbers for a two-yard gain the stadium erupts as if locals have just been told that one Latino family has decided to move out of town.

 

[beanz]

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-new-york-jets-1627942862

"I was just a 6 year old idiot who liked football like every other kid. I look up to my dad, so I figure if he is a Jets fan well then I should be too. My father begins to see that I am reaching an age where I will actually start to watch the game and learn about it.

My father looked me in my eyes and told me that I didn't need to be a Jets fan just because he was. He told me that there are other teams you could like. "Like the Bills", he said. We lived in Rochester, NY which is about an hour from Buffalo. The Bills were good at that time (I know. Weird.), and my friends were Bills fans. It made sense. Nope. He rattled through a few other teams. The Steelers! The Cowboys! The 49ers! Nah. "I like the Jets!" my stupid self said. Within weeks I had Jets wallpaper, a green rug, and Jets pennants in my room. It was over.

To this day he reminds me that he offered me a chance to get out."

In 2010 the Jets blew a 16-point fourth quarter lead and found themselves down 4 with 59 seconds left. After Houston went ahead, my dad left the stadium to walk to the car, and if you didn't have a seat in the lower bowl, they made you park basically at the Hudson because the Jets run a fukking caste system. I stayed to watch the end because I am a masochist.

The Jets came back on a flawless drive from Sanchez in what was one of my favorite Jets games I had been to in my 20 seasons of being the son of a season ticket holder. I ran to the car and everyone leaving the game was stoked that we won a huge game in our push for the playoffs in year 2 of the thrilling and exciting Rex/Sanchez era.

When I get to the car however, I see my dad has a scowl still on his face. When I ask him why he isn't excited he gives the most Jets-fan response one can give.

"It doesn't matter that they won this game, they should have fukking lost. And if we should have fukking lost this game, somehow the universe will find a way to bust our balls even worse this season. So fukk this win, it'll just haunt us later. And now were gonna sit in an hour's worth of traffic because you wanted to watch that shytty team."

 

[nomoreneveragain]

Vikings Fans are vicious

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Minnesota Vikings

Two former Vikings squared off in the main event of Wrestlemania 31 and they both lost.

Our all time best Quarterback was borrowed from Green Bay

We’re one 60-year-old man having a health issue away from Head Coach Norv Turner.