My doctor told me I'm depressed and have high anxiety today. It reminds me why I avoid doctors. I think I met an angel or God today. I dunno if I'm lucky or blessed. I feel like most people don't like me. Occasionally, I meet people and we click. This year has been so hard for me. The haters finally got me believing what they say. The last couple weeks i have felt confident again. Quitting soccer, losing the two women I thought I'd marry, my three best friends, changing careers, moving to a new spot in a new city, ending my business, and having everybody telling me I'm going to fail. I had so much support and then all of sudden it was gone and I was really alone. I was so severely depressed, I knew I was, though I didn't want to acknowledge it.
My doctor put it in writing and developed a plan for my recovery. I feel like a fallen angel. I had everything I wanted before the age of 25. I was ready to get married and have kids. Lmao at 26 my identity, which was made up of my accomplishments and loved ones was shattered.
I felt like everybody I loved and I thought loved me tried to kill me at once. First my girls. Then my life long best friend. Then my brother actually tried to stab me to death. My mom broke my heart. Then I lost my soccer teams and got robbed of an opportunity to go pro. I wasn't paid thousands of dollars by some shady African.
What's helped me is learning about Africa. I feel like I'm very sensitive. I can sense all that's wrong with the world. I absorb it and it destroys me. I'm a damn good cook. I challenged myself by trying another industry of cooking and my boss put on paper that I can't cook pasta and that I can't cook.
I'm not a production cook. I can do it because it's my job. But I'm a bistro cook and a caterer. Ironically, the real chefs in my kitchen always want to cook for me and try what I'm cooking. They all demanded I be allowed to cook to all my bosses. I cried, I've never been supported like that. Even by my own family. My mom never told me she was proud of me and she didn't start tellling me she loved me until I was in my 20s and asked her why she didn't ever hug or tell me she loves me.
I love cooking professionally. I love it. It's the one source of happiness in my life. Thing is I'm a specialist. I'm trained in V, VGN, GF, and classic Italian. Which means I make lots of vegetables and I know my grains. I can only cook two meets well. Tri tip and salmon because at my first cooking job I made that a lot.
I've fought so hard to be healthy. It's nice to feel good about myself again. Unfortunately I know it's delicate. I also find it sad I had to stop talking to everyone to feel good about myself. My coworkers and guests always tell me my passion for food in unrivaled and my food is special.
I wish I could talk to someone. This new girl I'm talking to is easy to talk to but I feel like if I tell her too much she's going to kill me. She's not my type. I like her butt and she makes me feel good about myself.
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(I don't think anything productive can come from a text conversation that goes on too long, unless you're in a serious relationship or on the verge of it)
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, mine is Monday.
