The Simp Chronicles - Featuring Address_Unknown.
Address_Unknown
Jesus Loves you...Your Cat doesn't. {#Dogset}
Part 3.
Aight, the actual date itself.
So I there in the back seat all
like a frigging little boy,until I finally get enough blood flowing to my brain to ask the legitimate question.
Me: "Woman, is wha you doing?"
Her "
Changing out of this shyt. You think my father would leh me go out the house wearing this?"
Turn around to look at this chick, and she wearing nothing but a wife beater and tights (Girls in the Caribbean used to wear spandex shorts called 'tights' over their panties so if the skirt blew up for whatever reason, there wouldn't be scandal
) The flannel shirt shyt she had on, she took it off and inside is a pair of fukking cut off ass jeans
that she now shimmying into. This chick spritzing perfume on herself and I'm like.
Me: "I see wha you saying now.. You can't come out the road pass your old man in no pum pum shorts.
Her "Well of course not...but I really glad you was able to get me out the house..I been want to go out real bad.."
Me "Wha' happen? Can't go out with your girlfriend them?
"
Her " Man..you know what I mean...."
Me "
Yeah man, I got you, ain't no problem."
I look up at the rear view and my cousin staring the fukk out of me, twitching'n'shyt
and I'm like "nikka what?
" He take his hands off the wheel for a minute and and hook his thumbs left signaling me to fukking get closer to her. (Be 15 with the only mental reference you got in the heat of the moment be the fukking Dinner Scene from Lady and the Tramp, brehs.
) So I do that shyt, she curled up in the seat, thighs exposed, all wrapped round a breh's left arm'n'shyt, look up in the rearview and that fukking pervert like
Now, at this point in time man, I'm ontop of the fukking world
. A decade and a half on God's Green and this is the most glorious, fukking, warm, fuzzy feeling a breh ever had. She had me hooked.
The sun coulda fell out the sky, The earth could have spun off it's axis, Ragnarok and Revelations coulda broke the hell out right now for all I gave a good goddamn, a breh had his first taste of female affection and the shyt felt
,
So now she all demure'n'shyt, cuddled up to a dude, head on my arm shyt, car driving smooth, night cool...shyt just going right. Slide up to the Theatre now, I inside mad as fukk 'cause we got to detach, but in the back of my mind I'm like "Dark Theatre, Pop corn, drinks? shyt..round 2, fool"
So I jump out, hold her hand and help her out (T'was a fukking civic, brehs. She didn't need help with shyt, my simp ass just being extra like we stepping out a limo at prom
) So we about to get in line for the ticket booth when my cousin blow the horn, I'm like "What dude?" He calling me over, so jog over to the car, gone by the driver side,
Me: "yeah man, give thanks for the ride. Yo...do NOT fall asleep or no fukk, you know. Need you back here by 11."
Cousin "Boss, don't worry about that fukk, here here!"
*Dude tries to shuffle off a condom on me like a dealer does as dimebag*
*I realize what it is and got the fukking thing holding at eye level, pretty much advertising the shyts*
Him "Put the fukking ting dung, skunt!
You wah she see that shyt? Wha does do you?"
Me: "
Right right..well..we might not even get to that (Being real.) but..thanks alot man."
Him " Yeah Yeah, but yo, do your thing you know.......you remember how much hole a pokey (Caribbean slang for Vagina) gah?
Me " nikka, I gone here! Bless!"
So after that 5 minute interlude of well meaning bullshyt, I turn back to her, she in line, red flannel tied around her hips, them tight cut off jeans I roll up on her from behind, brimming with fukking confidence from the car ride down, I put an arm around her shoulder....and she shrugged that shyt off with a
Inside I'm like
But then she starts making weak excuses "Oh, sorry. Um..I doh want nobody tell my father I out here hug up wid man."
In retrospect I shoulda noted how she did it, 'cause she did that shyt with a suck teeth, but since I'm in simp mode, I'm like "
Oh right right..sorry. My bad" She gives me one of those fake smiles and gets silent. First red flag. Second one, I notice this bytch looking around like she expecting someone.
I ain't really saying shyt 'cause internally a breh fighting that Asthma typing feeling in my lungs, and head trying to deduce where the fukk I went wrong, why the fukk she acting like this shyt? We up at the ticket booth now, damn near 10 minutes of goddamned silence waiting in the queue, I go to reach for my money then I remember she got it, so I stand and wait for her to pull out the shyts when we reach the booth...she fukking rubbernecking up and down then goes "...you ain't buying the tickets?"
Me: "...Is you gah the money, you know. Remember?"
Her "What money? I ain't bring no money..Is you taking me out, you know, what happen You brokes?"
(Where the fukk is all this attitude coming from?)
Me "Um..I give you the twenty, remember? You got it..check your pocket...
" (..fukking simp ass nikka...)
Her " Oh..yeah..look at it here..he he.
"
So we buy the tickets...this bytch STILL milling about outside, which should be the Brightest of all fukking red flags 'cause she obviously waiting for someone and ain't concerned with my ass no more, but I ain't want to accept the shyts with my deluded ass, there standing up like an idiot in them fukking baggy ass Karl Kani's whispering prayers'n'shyt hoping whatever phase she in just pass. Now I don't want to say I had a temporary break from reality, but I swear, I could not hear or see shyt, while we was standing outside, tickets in hand, for reasons I do not know. shyt going on around me but inside I feel like
)
I was just an idiot, but for some odd ass reason the notion popped in my head that she just cranky 'cause she on her period
...yeah..yeah!
So when I dropped that "YO..I sorry for the arm thing earlier... you mad 'cause you on your period right?
If I do anything else wrong, tell me please, don't go on like that no more please.
" She kinda caught wind of what was happening and capitalized "Oh..yeah...sorry...I just..stressed. That is why I had want you take me out Address.." bytch went from
to to in the same fukking sentence and my punk ass STILL didn't pick up on the fact that she just using the goddamned excuse I gave her. So she gives up waiting on this mystery person, we head inside and things get a bit more civil. Buy pizza, soda, popcorn making small talk again, so a breh feeling like we can ease back into them good times. So now, we in the theatre *Pause*
I'm gonna try and set up a visual for y'all from a first person view. Imagine you sitting down, looking forward. Cool. You in the theatre, the entrance/exit is on the right and you got your seats going up ascending and all that until you reach the projector booth. Cool. We on the FAR LEFT a few rows up. I'm on the end of an aisle seat, she next to me. From our vantage point, you can see the entrance/exit cool, but remember where the fukk we sitting...pleeez.
So we sitting, talking casual shyt about the coming attractions, I'm making her laugh a bit even though I can feel she's still a bit tense/anxious about something, but fukk that, when this shyt starts, I'm gonna try and get SOME sort of skin to skin action going
A dude's nerve endings was on fire in the fukking car, I'm chasing that dragon
(Heroin, Pause.) and I need that high again. So we there, she curls up on my right arm again.
I try and
some of her shyt, she laughing, I'm at ease again, turn all my internal notifications off and I'm flying towards the sun again on bullshyt autopilot with my guard down. So the movie starts, shyt's good, she's curled up, we eating, I'm thinking I'm on easy street, making a mental note to not try and touch her in public lest her crazy ass daddy looks to beat the shyt out of me if word got out. So I'm all comfortable until she suddenly perks up, you know, like a dog with it's head down on the floor then it smells/senses some shyt and shoots up? bytch did that shyt
"Um..Address..baby (Baby?
) I going the bathroom to come back"
Me: "Yeah girl, go do your thing, I going be here. (...'claut)
She gets up to leave and hits me with this shyt.
but in reverse, them cheeks in a breh's lap for the lion's share of all of 3 seconds.
I wanna post a bunch of exploding gifs and emojiis but you get the picture. She gives me a
and walks on down to the end, and fukking near bursts into a sprint for the bathroom, which is only accessible through the exit door. No problem.
So I'm sitting there all hyped'n'shyt movie starts so I'm torn between watching the door and trying to follow the opening scenes (You already see where this is going, right?
), eyes darting over whenever the door opens to see if that's her. I'm panicking but I'm tried to push that shyt aside as me just being anxious, the door opens again and I see her.
With. Another. fukking. Dude.
WHAT THE fukk?
I'm surprised my punk ass didn't throw up or start sobbing uncontrollably or some shyt. I'm sitting there, With the feeling of that L crushing my simp ass heart, forgetting how to breathe'n'shyt. So I'm watching her go by with this Dude, of whom I don't fukking know and they heading pass the aisle on the right, damn near at the back of the theatre and all I can do is delude myself on some "Nah, that wasn't her, B shyt to keep what little cool I had left.
I'm like, 'fukk it', she ain't back yet sitting there in a damned daze, barely aware that the movie is about almost over and this bytch still ain't showed up despite the obvious observation like damn near an hour ago. So the movie up and ends and I just walk outside in a daze, waiting by the edge of the curb for what seemed like damn near an hour, when she comes back trying to get my attention.
her "Your cousin on the way right? "
Me "Look him there coming down the road."
So he rolls up and I just jump in the back seat, head on the window with that soundbite "Life as a Shorty shouldn't be so rough" on repeat in my mind, she hops in the front, no words, 'good evening' and we on our way home. Now I can't remember nothing except the fact that I was just back there pinned down with feelings, we reach her door stop, she ain't tell nobody nothing, open the door and just bounced.
I mean people do cold hearted shyt all the time but to get blind sided with that shyt 'cause you naive is something that can just send a dude to personal ruin and I'm honestly surprised I didn't just wallow in that shyt and become like Kent and alot of them other young Youtube dudes that never worked past this shyt and built relationships with women.
So I there in the back seat all
Me: "Woman, is wha you doing?"
Her "
Changing out of this shyt. You think my father would leh me go out the house wearing this?"Turn around to look at this chick, and she wearing nothing but a wife beater and tights (Girls in the Caribbean used to wear spandex shorts called 'tights' over their panties so if the skirt blew up for whatever reason, there wouldn't be scandal
) The flannel shirt shyt she had on, she took it off and inside is a pair of fukking cut off ass jeans
Me: "I see wha you saying now.. You can't come out the road pass your old man in no pum pum shorts.
Her "Well of course not...but I really glad you was able to get me out the house..I been want to go out real bad.."
Me "Wha' happen? Can't go out with your girlfriend them?
"Her " Man..you know what I mean...."
Me "
Yeah man, I got you, ain't no problem."I look up at the rear view and my cousin staring the fukk out of me, twitching'n'shyt
and I'm like "nikka what?" He take his hands off the wheel for a minute and and hook his thumbs left signaling me to fukking get closer to her. (Be 15 with the only mental reference you got in the heat of the moment be the fukking Dinner Scene from Lady and the Tramp, brehs.) So I do that shyt, she curled up in the seat, thighs exposed, all wrapped round a breh's left arm'n'shyt, look up in the rearview and that fukking pervert like
Now, at this point in time man, I'm ontop of the fukking world
. A decade and a half on God's Green and this is the most glorious, fukking, warm, fuzzy feeling a breh ever had. She had me hooked. The sun coulda fell out the sky, The earth could have spun off it's axis, Ragnarok and Revelations coulda broke the hell out right now for all I gave a good goddamn, a breh had his first taste of female affection and the shyt felt,So now she all demure'n'shyt, cuddled up to a dude, head on my arm shyt,
car driving smooth, night cool...shyt just going right. Slide up to the Theatre now, I inside mad as fukk 'cause we got to detach, but in the back of my mind I'm like "Dark Theatre, Pop corn, drinks? shyt..round 2, fool" So I jump out, hold her hand and help her out (T'was a fukking civic, brehs. She didn't need help with shyt, my simp ass just being extra like we stepping out a limo at prom) So we about to get in line for the ticket booth when my cousin blow the horn, I'm like "What dude?" He calling me over, so jog over to the car, gone by the driver side,Me: "yeah man, give thanks for the ride. Yo...do NOT fall asleep or no fukk, you know. Need you back here by 11."
Cousin "Boss, don't worry about that fukk, here here!"
*Dude tries to shuffle off a condom on me like a dealer does as dimebag*
*I realize what it is and got the fukking thing holding at eye level, pretty much advertising the shyts*
Him "Put the fukking ting dung, skunt!
You wah she see that shyt? Wha does do you?"Me: "
Right right..well..we might not even get to that (Being real.) but..thanks alot man."Him " Yeah Yeah, but yo, do your thing you know.......you remember how much hole a pokey (Caribbean slang for Vagina) gah?
Me "
nikka, I gone here! Bless!"So after that 5 minute interlude of well meaning bullshyt, I turn back to her, she in line, red flannel tied around her hips, them tight cut off jeans I roll up on her from behind, brimming with fukking confidence from the car ride down, I put an arm around her shoulder....and she shrugged that shyt off with a
Inside I'm like
But then she starts making weak excuses "Oh, sorry. Um..I doh want nobody tell my father I out here hug up wid man."
In retrospect I shoulda noted how she did it, 'cause she did that shyt with a suck teeth, but since I'm in simp mode, I'm like "
Oh right right..sorry. My bad" She gives me one of those fake smiles and gets silent. First red flag. Second one, I notice this bytch looking around like she expecting someone. I ain't really saying shyt 'cause internally a breh fighting that Asthma typing feeling in my lungs, and head trying to deduce where the fukk I went wrong, why the fukk she acting like this shyt? We up at the ticket booth now, damn near 10 minutes of goddamned silence waiting in the queue, I go to reach for my money then I remember she got it, so I stand and wait for her to pull out the shyts when we reach the booth...she fukking rubbernecking up and down then goes "...you ain't buying the tickets?"Me: "...Is you gah the money, you know. Remember?"
Her "What money?
I ain't bring no money..Is you taking me out, you know, what happen You brokes?"(Where the fukk is all this attitude coming from?
)Me "Um..I give you the twenty, remember? You got it..check your pocket...
" (..fukking simp ass nikka...)Her " Oh..yeah..look at it here..he he.
"So we buy the tickets...this bytch STILL milling about outside, which should be the Brightest of all fukking red flags 'cause she obviously waiting for someone and ain't concerned with my ass no more, but I ain't want to accept the shyts with my deluded ass, there standing up like an idiot in them fukking baggy ass Karl Kani's whispering prayers'n'shyt hoping whatever phase she in just pass. Now I don't want to say I had a temporary break from reality, but I swear, I could not hear or see shyt, while we was standing outside, tickets in hand, for reasons I do not know. shyt going on around me but inside I feel like
I was just an idiot, but for some odd ass reason the notion popped in my head that she just cranky 'cause she on her period
...yeah..yeah! So when I dropped that "YO..I sorry for the arm thing earlier... you mad 'cause you on your period right?
If I do anything else wrong, tell me please, don't go on like that no more please." She kinda caught wind of what was happening and capitalized "Oh..yeah...sorry...I just..stressed. That is why I had want you take me out Address.." bytch went from to to in the same fukking sentence and my punk ass STILL didn't pick up on the fact that she just using the goddamned excuse I gave her. So she gives up waiting on this mystery person, we head inside and things get a bit more civil. Buy pizza, soda, popcorn making small talk again, so a breh feeling like we can ease back into them good times. So now, we in the theatre *Pause*I'm gonna try and set up a visual for y'all from a first person view. Imagine you sitting down, looking forward. Cool. You in the theatre, the entrance/exit is on the right and you got your seats going up ascending and all that until you reach the projector booth. Cool. We on the FAR LEFT a few rows up. I'm on the end of an aisle seat, she next to me. From our vantage point, you can see the entrance/exit cool, but remember where the fukk we sitting...pleeez.
So we sitting, talking casual shyt about the coming attractions, I'm making her laugh a bit even though I can feel she's still a bit tense/anxious about something, but fukk that, when this shyt starts, I'm gonna try and get SOME sort of skin to skin action going
A dude's nerve endings was on fire in the fukking car, I'm chasing that dragon (Heroin, Pause.) and I need that high again. So we there, she curls up on my right arm again.
I try and
some of her shyt, she laughing, I'm at ease again, turn all my internal notifications off and I'm flying towards the sun again on bullshyt autopilot with my guard down. So the movie starts, shyt's good, she's curled up, we eating, I'm thinking I'm on easy street, making a mental note to not try and touch her in public lest her crazy ass daddy looks to beat the shyt out of me if word got out. So I'm all comfortable until she suddenly perks up, you know, like a dog with it's head down on the floor then it smells/senses some shyt and shoots up? bytch did that shyt "Um..Address..baby (Baby?
Me: "Yeah girl, go do your thing, I going be here.
(...'claut)She gets up to leave and hits me with this shyt.
I wanna post a bunch of exploding gifs and emojiis but you get the picture. She gives me a
and walks on down to the end, and fukking near bursts into a sprint for the bathroom, which is only accessible through the exit door. No problem.So I'm sitting there
all hyped'n'shyt movie starts so I'm torn between watching the door and trying to follow the opening scenes (You already see where this is going, right?), eyes darting over whenever the door opens to see if that's her. I'm panicking but I'm tried to push that shyt aside as me just being anxious, the door opens again and I see her.With. Another. fukking. Dude.
WHAT THE fukk?
I'm surprised my punk ass didn't throw up or start sobbing uncontrollably or some shyt.
I'm sitting there, With the feeling of that L crushing my simp ass heart, forgetting how to breathe'n'shyt. So I'm watching her go by with this Dude, of whom I don't fukking know and they heading pass the aisle on the right, damn near at the back of the theatre and all I can do is delude myself on some "Nah, that wasn't her, B shyt to keep what little cool I had left. I'm like, 'fukk it', she ain't back yet sitting there in a damned daze, barely aware that the movie is about almost over and this bytch still ain't showed up despite the obvious observation like damn near an hour ago. So the movie up and ends and I just walk outside in a daze, waiting by the edge of the curb for what seemed like damn near an hour, when she comes back trying to get my attention.
her "Your cousin on the way right? "
Me "Look him there coming down the road."
So he rolls up and I just jump in the back seat, head on the window with that soundbite "Life as a Shorty shouldn't be so rough" on repeat in my mind, she hops in the front, no words, 'good evening' and we on our way home. Now I can't remember nothing except the fact that I was just back there pinned down with feelings, we reach her door stop, she ain't tell nobody nothing, open the door and just bounced.
I mean people do cold hearted shyt all the time but to get blind sided with that shyt 'cause you naive is something that can just send a dude to personal ruin and I'm honestly surprised I didn't just wallow in that shyt and become like Kent and alot of them other young Youtube dudes that never worked past this shyt and built relationships with women.
That's the date in a nutshell. The tale spills out to even more painfully absurd L's that just compounded on each other until that shyt ran it's course. Might type those out, edit them and release 'em in bulk, not just as I go along. Eh, we will see. Hope y'all enjoyed; Stay safe.
Pt 2 was one big filler episode. On to pt 3 now.
ScoopNScore
8man
good shyt for a first thread, almost like some Pinky n the Brain shyt where no matter how close they get, you just know that L is coming around the corner 
can't wait for more tales
And this Director's Cut of this one too
Just finished part 3....
:deadcac:Should've told her to get a ride from dude she watched the movie with
Address_Unknown
Jesus Loves you...Your Cat doesn't. {#Dogset}
can't wait for more tales
And this Director's Cut of this one too
If there's an audience for that shyt, then fukk it
; Expect more soon.
I got you later. I'll tell you my simp story later. It's kinda c00nish, but I was team pawg back then.
FeloniousMonk
Dont mind me..Im a azzhole
Ideally most simps start off as romantics.
Dont worry, I was in the same boat as you at 15.
Most of my homies was #hoh @ 15 and I couldnt understand it.
Dont worry, I was in the same boat as you at 15.
Most of my homies was #hoh @ 15 and I couldnt understand it.
I might give you two
Damn breh. You should have left her ass.
I don't have any simp stories, but I have one about being cheated on.
should have went and told her daddy since they had that good rapport