Aight, day of the date, Saturday, A dude ain't thinking 'bout no goddamned Playstation or waiting 'till my folks go to work early morning so I can beat my dikk to a battery of 30 second, grainy buffering clips of half a titty set to 16bit moaning on Realplayer , ain't thinking about hitting them Msn Chatrooms and throwing no Roleplaying DBZ Fades'n'shyt..I'm thinking about this goddamned date...and her. *Cue Awww Track* So I'm on my bed, hyper ventilating with virgin excitement, trying not to let my self get too carried away 'cause even back then a breh kept his expectations deeply rooted in Gravitas, so I'm making a mental spread sheet of what all I need done.
The ride.
Now while I done told oldboy my aunt would drop us, truth is, I wasn't about to ask her Fo' shyt 'cause she would have told my mom's, then she and my moms would have gotten to gossiping on my ass, nope. I'm a man with a few strands of curly baby hairs on my nuts, , I'm a sort one of my older cousins out 'cause I know they'd be more conducive to cheeks gettin' and would do all they can to help a breh out on some vicarious fukking shyt. So I check one of my fave cousins, tell him the run down and he's all like and proceeds to give me a detailed run down on how many holes the goddamned Vagina has, How to eat p*ssy,(Dude actually demonstrated on a goddamned Papaya, brehs....so demonic) Telling me to don't panic if I get drowned (Caribbean slang for the hot dog down the hallway scenario), started badgering me if she got an older sister our cousin...I'm like "Breh...can you give me a ride? That's all I really need from your skunt!" He like, I got you, no problem and I give him the details.
Aight, ride sorted, I'm feeling "In there like Swimwear" 'cause I done eliminated the biggest problem, transportation. Worse case scenario, pops looming around to see who's driving, Now I always been a cautious breh and prone to planning (Overplanning sometimes) shyt ahead so I got all my bases covered, so I decide that I'm going to have to make small talk with Pops, work him over with my little boy charm (#Pause) and then finagle in the fact that it's my cousin dropping us since my Aunt wasn't available, that way he don't leave going "That boy ain't say he aunt picking them up? Who is that man?" and then I get hit with the when I bring her back and set my good boy image back. fukk that, so I got my ride set, going over topics of small talk for pops in my mental for the evening, done slipped about 50$ out of my savings'n'shyt, Ironed a pair of these stupid shytsand a buttoned down shirt...fukk it, I done got all my pieces in place and I'm feeling confident about my caper.
So Movie's at 8, but I'm giving myself a broad ass window to set all my pieces in motion to get this fukkery locomotive running, Hit his house around 6, done spritzed myself with some generic Cowboy themed Musk shyt my dad had, with a little Stetson hat on the top, dressed in my shyts, smelling like people (Caribbean slang for smelling good). So we in his room, I made sure I hit him with my plan, the times I need him to pick us up, drop us off and all that, so we on the same page (Cellphones weren't common place for us back then, especially if you was in school and I didn't want to got to search for a payphone 'cause I done seen some shyt go down in them boxes) So we kick until 7:20, He drops me off at her house and I tell him to go burnouts around the roundabout until 7:45 and scoop us up. So I hit the door and I'm face to face with this jaundiced looking motherfukker.(In all Fairness, Joseph Kony could blend right in the Island of St Vincent since he looks like an island dude's once rum bubbling uncle who only gets high off god'n'shyt now. So I'm at the door, going into full ass kissing mode, done got my bible anecdotes on lock and all my "Sirs" are Weapons grade sharp.
Him: "Boy, why the fetch you smell like my grandfather??, anyways, come in come in!"
Me Thinking(fukk ass pops and this cheap, got it at the mall Broke Back Fragrance.)
Woman in the back ground " Oh that's the boy? Like he can't wait tuh get she out di house!"
Me "........."Nah, I just want to get there early...plus woman does take time to get dress and put on all kinda fanciness. Ain't nothing fancy about this...plus Beth ain't no woman yet....sir."
Him "Yeah man, you right. Woman always gah do all kinda last minute muck before they get dress. Hair gah fi do, clothes gah mek if them ain't buy, shoes gah find..man come inside..come inside, yuh got a little wait."
So to the untrained eye it looks like I'm wiping the shyt out of my shoes on the mat infront the doorjamb in an attempt at being respectful when in all honesty I'm just there with my head bowed, buying time quietly believing in myself'n'shyt before I venture into the Lion's den..
So I step inside, hit the living room and he on one of them single couch chairs, watching Cricket and I'm there standing by the edge of a long couch like "Can I sit sir?" he like "Yeah man sid'dung, sid'dung, You does ask permission for everything, eh?"
Me *fukkery sense tingling...calculating a witty yet respectful response...* " If you was in my house, you'd do the same sir, I gah to show you the same respect you'd no doubtly show me." .......
Him: "Right Right, manners will take you far, you know. Glad to see you gah. I sure you does only do that when parents about though."
Me " *Fool trying to bait me with this shyt*........"Well..sir it ain't make no sense lie to you, 'cause you been a boy same way like me, when you with your pana them, you get into trouble, cause mischief, gather learning experiences and hopefully live long enough to put that towards being an adult....sir."
Him: "Right Right But wait...why you talking so big? Little boy like you talking like this, like you in a movie? You's a actor, boy?"
Me mentally (shyt shyt shyt shyt shyt shyt!)
Me : "Not really sir, from young I been a reader. Dr Suess book, Boysie and the Ginneps, Anansi, Clould wid the silver lining (I'm pretty much rattling off all the primary school literature a breh had to read during back in the day.)
Him : "Ok, Ok, good good. Is good you does read man. Alot of kids today don't read, nah wan do nutting. All them do is play Nintendo ( Most every Caribbean parent calls any console a 'Nintendo' and a handheld a Gameboy, regardless of the era.) and get into trouble. Bad kinda trouble..."
Me *Nod Nod* "Yes sir, so true."
Then he hit me with the.
Him " Young man (Uh-oh. I went from Boy to Young man again...shyt upgrading, fukk 'bout to get serious) For all the reading you does do....you does read the Bible?"
*Pause* - Commentary. "Now we all been around Holy Rollers and the like, right? People who is Christians and does use almost every conversational topic or avenue to pull you into a word about our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ..now that's cool but this dude got that sanctimonious way of talking about religion and shyt like he gah stocks in that fukk, like he JUST get saved, throw out all he reggae and soca and can't stop listening to gospel music and reading he bible, and that's cool too, but these types does want to hit you over the head with it so they can either recruit you or damn you to hell for not being saved already..so I catching that vibes from big man, but I done note that he LOVES when you agree with him, chime in and let himself talk...so I done pick my play and is time to snap the ball.*
*Hike*
Me: *Clears throat* "Well sir, I done tell you I does read alot, but is story I like most; The bible gah some real good stories too. From Sunday school come up you hear all kinda story, from Adam and Eve and how them get cast out for disobeying god, Noah and the Ark and about how you must follow god instruction regardless of who laugh at you for it, Moses and the Flood a story about believing in the power of god, Jonah and the whale etc. learn all of them through story book and what's not, but I getting older, so now is the Bible I gah read and I looking to do so in it's entirety. From Genesis come down, but all the old timey english does throw you off and while each scripture relevant in all facets of life (When I hit him with the facets of life he and I'm thinking "Fool, don't start using big words he might not catch, Some Caribbean adults does get hot when you show off education in them face 'cause they drop out of school to go do fukkery and working menial ass jobs not knowing words like 'fluctuate' and 'reprimand' 'n'shyt.) I got to take my time with it..but it's a slow and steady journey, meen going lie...You read it sir? How far you reach? How it going?"
He hit me with the.
" You right man, is a big read. I reading too man! don't worry, I reading too, same like you!"
Me thinking (.....Yuh fukka you... You thumping that bible, you ain't reading shyt, fresh out the water baptized middemstep wah get on holier than thou 'cause you saved...)
Me in actuality "It is, sir. It is. Well, I'll keep reading, same as you."
So seeing as to how I done seemingly impress him with the fact that I does read, wha I does read, does read the bible (Talked about Shadrach, Meshach and Abendigo, Daniel in the Lion's den, Jonah with him and all that, so we been talking for a solid chunk of time) so now I'm trying to deflect shyt off of religion and it's almost time for my cousin to come through so I'm like.
Me "I smell perfume...she must be finished, we should be going soon anyways, sir."
Him. "Alright, Young man. How long this movie going to be? How long ayo going to be out? Is straight back home y'all coming (He Said that shyt, didn't ask)."
Me. "I'd say give it a ball park figure of 2 and a half hours, sir. Movie suppose to start 8, it gah previews, movie might run an hour and change...we should be back before midnight, if anything extra curricular (fukking smart ass words again.) happen, I'll be sure to call and inform you, sir, is my cousin dropping us since my aunt was tied up for the evening." (Dude didn't even think twice on that shyt, so I was feeling like all this small talk was for nothing, but in retrospect, it helped me later on with this bullshyt since I established that good boy image with him and his wife)
Him " Alright Young man (Upgraded!) let me don't keep ayo young people from having y'all fun. Don't forget the time, that watch on your wrist does work, right?"
Me "Yes sir, pleasure to meet you and your wife (Mom's a chubby yellowbone woman who gave off a more free, yet playfull air than this dude, but I'll save my interaction with her for the other part if I'm allowed to tie all this up) I step up and shake dude's hand (Hard, Broad, Calloused. Dude definitely know his way around a machete and a sugar cane row) and in steps Beth, regular Jean pants, white low tops, Flannel shirt looking shyts (I'm not one for describing clothes, so paint your own picture on that), covered up, looking civil.
Beth "You and my dad was down here talking 'bout Cricket?" (.... this bytch...)
Me "Nah Nah, we was talking about reading, the good book, and how much man should respect each other lest we all fall into madness"
Her " "Well, we gone movies. See ayo later tonite."
So we hit outside and my Cousin's literally parked in the fukking bush, before the apartment entrance and I'm waving to this fool with my back turned to the fam to come across 'cause I needed homedude to see me put her in that car incase I had to make up a lie about car trouble if shyt got thick. My cousin pulls in, scoops us up infront of the apartment, turns around and heads out.
Now I should note that she was in the front, I was in the back. Like the minute we turn the bend and out of distance of that apartment building, she unbuckles and climbs in the backseat with a breh, car ain't stop, nothing. I'm like " he like ". I'm looking forward, trying to play it cool and I'm here "Zzzzzrrrrrrt...." *In my mind*"What's goin on......This chick has her hips up in the air and she tugging her damn pants off!
.... Sorry for being a tease, but part 3 might not be on it's way until tomorrow since I got plans tonite and that shyt involves Loud and Alcohol so I ain't going to be in no proper state to even begin to try and recall shyt from 15 years ago, much less 5 minutes. I will not treat y'all like that dude from Game of Thrones and leave y'all twisting in the wind. Cheers.
Im taking a breather because I got to them goofy ass pants and I'm