I remember back in HS and college, sometimes just having conversations with my friends and whenever we would talk about our moms, even the thought of losing them, we would all tear up. Like none of us could even imagine what that would be like, we just knew that even the thought of it was painful.
I remember one day, my mom came home and told me about a woman she met when she was at the salon, and the woman used to be morbidly obese, but she was so frail. And everyone was asking her, how she lost the weight and kept it off. And the woman said, "I haven't been able to keep any weight on me since my mom died." And my mom said that when she looked in the woman's eyes there was so much pain, and that the woman reminded her of a little girl that was lost.
It's funny that I can think about that memory, of a woman I don't even know, and feel it. The way my mom had described it(because my mom was so animated and good at really putting you in a situation) I remember just feeling the hairs on back stand.
And then it happened to me, when my mom passed. All the sudden those memories from HS and College had came true. And all of the sudden I was that woman at the salon that was that little girl lost. There's definitely a piece of me that feels empty, even unsafe--because when you lose someone so close, unexpectantly, all the sudden you don't feel as certain about life anymore, you learn that things won't always be secure. So for me, instead of not being able to put on weight like the woman at the salon, it's more like I feel like something's off that just can't ever get back right. Or like I went in a weird direction and can't seem to find my way back home.
But I know that God was with me after I lost her, he had to be. I didn't break the way I thought I would. Not at all. My mom committed suicide, and she let me be the one to find her body, because I think she knew that I would be the only one that could handle it. And she was right. There's a lot of pain, obviously, a lot of bad memories, and darkness around that time, and after. But it had to be God, because even though life never felt the same or as secure again as it did when she was alive, I'm okay.
Something someone told me, really shifted my grief. The person told me that everytime someone close to her passed away, she thought about that person's legacy. So for instance, if the person that passed away was always someone who gave to others or was a very generous person, then that was that person's legacy. And so you take that person's legacy and you apply it to your life. And so every time someone's passed away, I think about that person's legacy and applied it to my life. It gave my life so much more meaning. So like, I lost a lot of people since my mom, and every time they go, I think on their legacy.
And truthfully, even though there's an empty space in my soul, and sometimes there's a feeling that I can never really be happy the way I was, or secure the way I was, I also have so many memories of my mom, so many things that she left behind, that even in the pain, I can smile and feel like she's right there next to me, smiling back. It's like I know she's gone, but her memories keep her alive in me, and her legacy keeps my life moving forward because I feel so much of her in me. Especially since I'm mother.
I remember one day, my mom came home and told me about a woman she met when she was at the salon, and the woman used to be morbidly obese, but she was so frail. And everyone was asking her, how she lost the weight and kept it off. And the woman said, "I haven't been able to keep any weight on me since my mom died." And my mom said that when she looked in the woman's eyes there was so much pain, and that the woman reminded her of a little girl that was lost.
It's funny that I can think about that memory, of a woman I don't even know, and feel it. The way my mom had described it(because my mom was so animated and good at really putting you in a situation) I remember just feeling the hairs on back stand.
And then it happened to me, when my mom passed. All the sudden those memories from HS and College had came true. And all of the sudden I was that woman at the salon that was that little girl lost. There's definitely a piece of me that feels empty, even unsafe--because when you lose someone so close, unexpectantly, all the sudden you don't feel as certain about life anymore, you learn that things won't always be secure. So for me, instead of not being able to put on weight like the woman at the salon, it's more like I feel like something's off that just can't ever get back right. Or like I went in a weird direction and can't seem to find my way back home.
But I know that God was with me after I lost her, he had to be. I didn't break the way I thought I would. Not at all. My mom committed suicide, and she let me be the one to find her body, because I think she knew that I would be the only one that could handle it. And she was right. There's a lot of pain, obviously, a lot of bad memories, and darkness around that time, and after. But it had to be God, because even though life never felt the same or as secure again as it did when she was alive, I'm okay.
Something someone told me, really shifted my grief. The person told me that everytime someone close to her passed away, she thought about that person's legacy. So for instance, if the person that passed away was always someone who gave to others or was a very generous person, then that was that person's legacy. And so you take that person's legacy and you apply it to your life. And so every time someone's passed away, I think about that person's legacy and applied it to my life. It gave my life so much more meaning. So like, I lost a lot of people since my mom, and every time they go, I think on their legacy.
And truthfully, even though there's an empty space in my soul, and sometimes there's a feeling that I can never really be happy the way I was, or secure the way I was, I also have so many memories of my mom, so many things that she left behind, that even in the pain, I can smile and feel like she's right there next to me, smiling back. It's like I know she's gone, but her memories keep her alive in me, and her legacy keeps my life moving forward because I feel so much of her in me. Especially since I'm mother.
