When your Parents Pass Away and You don't have the LOVE of your own Family... It's going to be UNBEARABLE.

Claudex

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Thanks breh, I kinda know that's how things "naturally" happen (I read a lot on family dynamics, secrets etc) but I wasn't given a choice, had to leave home (and my country, and Africa) because of real-life military situations, while my parents stayed there (they were safe, but wanted to make sure I was safer) and then well life just happened and Moms passed before we ever lived in the same country again :manny: so all that created the situation we're in now. Plus for years my Pops didn't even want us to go back and he only came like a couple weeks a year, not enough to really build, on top of the fact that there's a real cultural gap between him and myself. I did end up living 3 years with my father just some time ago, but let's just say that some foundation has to be laid down when you're young. That ship of us "bonding" or whatever had sailed a long time ago. It just how life happened for us. Plus once again he's back in Africa while I'm here in Europe. I resent a lot of stuff that he could've done (my moms too, but she's gone). He had his reasons, but he could've shared a lot with me (if only the culture, the language, the story of my family, etc) and he chose not to. All right then, but I've built myself a whole other life/personality now so I'm no longer seeking those stories and whatnot. It is what it is.
I feel you my dude, I'm kind of in the same boat. But I'm in a far luckier position.
I spent a lot of time overseas, came back home and probably going back overseas again but I could rely on my mother to fill in a lot of blanks I had growing up. She's still alive, and the foundation was there in my case so I got to see the whole change in dynamics on how we speak to one another. She's not too old yet but my father leaving for another woman means that she relies on me now. Getting her through that brutal break up meant that she had to share a lot of her earlier life with me. About herself. About my father. The whole shyt they don't tell us when we're young.

shyt I didn't even expect to hear about catching bodies and shyt, but I'm not gonna expand on that. Essentially she shared things that she thought I ought to know before passing judgement. She wanted me to understand the paths taken by blood, so I wouldn't do the same mistakes.

I understand you didn't have that. And I feel you especially when you say the ship sailed with your dad because it's the same thing with mine. When the resentment builds too much it's very hard to communicate with the other person. You can spend hours/days/weeks with them speaking about soccer, the news, the weather and all that other bullshyt without touching on the real shyt that matters.

Your mother would've been the one to help see the bigger picture. I feel like African fathers are good at protecting but fail miserably at preparing 'cause that requires a strong sense of self-awareness. Can't get self-awareness from someone who literally spent decades trying to be and look strong, hiding every fault and never accepting any mistakes made.

But for real breh, may you be better than your father ever was at this thing called life. :wow:
 

mbewane

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I feel you my dude, I'm kind of in the same boat. But I'm in a far luckier position.
I spent a lot of time overseas, came back home and probably going back overseas again but I could rely on my mother to fill in a lot of blanks I had growing up. She's still alive, and the foundation was there in my case so I got to see the whole change in dynamics on how we speak to one another. She's not too old yet but my father leaving for another woman means that she relies on me now. Getting her through that brutal break up meant that she had to share a lot of her earlier life with me. About herself. About my father. The whole shyt they don't tell us when we're young.

shyt I didn't even expect to hear about catching bodies and shyt, but I'm not gonna expand on that. Essentially she shared things that she thought I ought to know before passing judgement. She wanted me to understand the paths taken by blood, so I wouldn't do the same mistakes.

I understand you didn't have that. And I feel you especially when you say the ship sailed with your dad because it's the same thing with mine. When the resentment builds too much it's very hard to communicate with the other person. You can spend hours/days/weeks with them speaking about soccer, the news, the weather and all that other bullshyt without touching on the real shyt that matters.

Your mother would've been the one to help see the bigger picture. I feel like African fathers are good at protecting but fail miserably at preparing 'cause that requires a strong sense of self-awareness. Can't get self-awareness from someone who literally spent decades trying to be and look strong, hiding every fault and never accepting any mistakes made.

But for real breh, may you be better than your father ever was at this thing called life. :wow:

Thx breh, really appreciate it :salute:

The bolded especially is indeed exactly how it is now with him. Built-up resentment, way too much time spent far from one another (he was "far" even when I was a kid living home, even though...we indeed bonded over sports and the like) and you never really get to the the stuff that matters. I think he has become more self-aware over the years, especially after my mom passed, but it's still a loooooong road and let's just say I'm not holding my breath anymore for that conversation if it should ever arise. I tried before and it took me way too much energy without really being worth it. He's not a "bad" dad by any means, never beat me up, never spoke badly of me or whatever, we can really laugh and chill, I can call him up anytime if I need some cash etc, but yeah that particular bond unfortunately wasn't really there. C'est la vie :manny:
 

Ozymandeas

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So many single people priding themselves on being independent and not wanting to have kids. Believing their Careers and Money is all they need. Most of us are unable to foresee how sad it is to grow old alone. Friends and sibling are wonderful. But will Friends and Siblings live their families to come feed you, wipe your azz, bath and dress you when you very ill? And did this for weeks and months until you're good. We will all face sickness and that type of burden is for spouse to handle.

And many of us living away from family and friends. So we're really fukked when things go bad. Back home I remember seeing people moving older Aunt and Uncles into their homes when they get older, most of us won't have that option. We're in cities where we aren't really close to anyone. Not that close.

To the main topic. My mom and her mom were best friends. Hung together everyday until my grandma passed away 12 years ago. No one loves you like your parents. NO ONE. My mom was devasted. But the love she has for her husband, 5 boys and one 1 daughter and the love we have for her, kept her going. She would not have made it without the family she has built. Sadly, when you loss good parents, a big part of you dies too. And if your parents is all you got it's going to be hard on you.

Just seeing how my parents eyes light up when we come over for holidays and any day really makes me want a big family.

I know dating is hard and marriage is scary, but we going to need someone very special in these later years.

Facts. That's why I always sideeye BOTH sexes who act like they're winning the gender wars in regards to dating. Men need women, and women need men. All this playing the field nonsense, being noncommittal and not creating families is gonna bite alot people. It's gonna be extremely sad for both men and women who get up in their later years without anyone. My brother's dad (unmarried) and my mom's friend (unmarried) both passed away during Covid and were in their houses for days until someone found them.
 

The Half-Blood FKA Prince

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A wise man once said "blood doesn't define family" family is based on familial bonds, loyalty and trust.

There's a difference between family and distance relatives.

Not everyone is lucky to have a nurturing family that will care for them. Hence, why they create their own families or seek friends that act as family.

At the end of the day, love yourselves brehs and brehettes
Facts. The sad part is it dont even gotta be this way. If we would all just strive to be a little(or in many cases a LOT) less selfish and a little more human, and love each other as a community, we would not need to latch on to another man/woman for security and create panic babies we might not be ready for or even want.

The human race is at our best when we band together and collaborate/cooperate. But we rather step on and climb over each other than pull each other up. Sad shyt. I blame a$$holes. Just one more thing on that long list ive mentioned before that they have ruined. :francis:
 

mitter

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I have no illusions about what awaits me when I get old

I will die alone, most likely in a miserable way


Having said all that, I don't want to bring children into a world that I think is going in a really bad direction. When I live out the last painful days of my life without anyone who loves me by my side, I will think to myself how this was my sacrifice for the children I never had.
 

Dave24

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I have no illusions about what awaits me when I get old

I will die alone, most likely in a miserable way


Having said all that, I don't want to bring children into a world that I think is going in a really bad direction. When I live out the last painful days of my life without anyone who loves me by my side, I will think to myself how this was my sacrifice for the children I never had.

@Magic Mulatto 🤔🤔
 
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