Daily Rant Thread.

[SeveroDrgnfli]

I didn't leave work until an hour after I was scheduled. I did the work of three people today and helped every department close. It pisses me off when black people brown nose white management when it yields nothing positive for them. With a little unity we could easily open those positions for black people. Today somebody told me to save fifty dollars a month. I'm going to start doing that. I hired a financial planner that I don't use and it's time I start. I make too much money to not save any.

My sister is really doing a lot for me right now. She's making sure I can afford school and challenging me to be better. I love her with all my heart. I don't value myself to succeed for myself. I'm going to do it for her because she really loves and supports me. She's kind of like my mom, sister, and best friend.

People don't know how close we are. They talk shyt to me about her and talk shyt about me to her. It's funny because we run shyt behind the scenes. We've never snitched on one another and we have enough dirt on each other to ruin both of our careers. I don't trust anyone but her. I've never loved or trusted someone and had it work out like it as with the famalam.

She and I are pushing each other to reach or goals. We're both so close. But we come from nothing and we're doing it on our own. She told me about a governor's grant for JC. They'll pay for all my classes. I need a promotion at work to secure my financial future. This job is my school job and if it makes me an offer after I graduate I'll accept it.

I feel like an alien in Oakland. I'm either too ghetto, masculine, or suburban to fit in with any group. I get invited out more and I've started accepting the invitations. I can't help that the indie/alt rock and art nerd crowd likes me. Latin people luhhh me because I'm hella mexi. Black people find me to be weird or fake. I grew up playing soccer in a town called San Pablo with a half Latino brother who skates and listens to heavy metal.

I speak differently. I listen to different music. My interests aren't mainline AA interests, but I've always identified as AA, and I'm very proud to be AA.

all the cool black nerds at work have linked up with me. We all skate too. I'm trying to develop those relationships. If I get called a blipster one more time I'm going to scream.

It's like people telling me I speak well. It's not a compliment. My jeans are skinny because I'm skinny. I wear vans and pumas because I skate, play soccer, cycle, and cook.

The INTJ/Sagittarian/fire sign struggle is so real. I want to have roots but I've never had roots. Every fiber of my being longs to explore and create.

It bothers me people hate on me for brainstorming. I feel the vibe some times and I have to vocalize and see my idea manifest. My vision coupled with my work ethic usually makes it happen for me. But I'd like other people to stop asking for evidence and just believe in me like I believe in them. I'm working on my master plan now. I don't have the energy to try to prove to people what I know I've done. Even when I prove it they don't believe it. Lmao, well not all of us were raised to not believe in ourselves.

God bless my crazy ass mom. We've got beef, but she raised me to believe in myself and that's taken me to heights I never thought I'd reach. I'm fortunate to be alive at my age given my early childhood was sketchy to say the least. I see my mom's vision now. She knew I was already traumatized from being abandoned and abused as a child. I remember blacking out and waking up hours later, it's night time, I'm outside, and I'm locked in a large cage full of dogs. Anyway, my mom knew I needed discipline and I had to strengthen my will and resolve. I love her so much for giving me these tools. I can't forgive her for a couple things because they hurt my feelings and I need her to take it back or explain her position. I know she won't and she'll never approve of my lifestyle because I dropped out of college.

I wish my mom could hear all the compliments people give me about how I was raised. She did a great job. And I want her to not be disappointed in me so she feels like she's a good parent. She is one of the best parents I've ever encountered. Her degrees in nursing and child psychology weren't wasted.

I want my kids to know their GMA. I want my mom to see me succeed. But I know she's too old and what Im building is going to take more time than she has. She could die any day now. She's healthy, but she's lived past the average life expectancy of women in the US. I'm going to name my business after my mom. And my daughters will be named after the women who raised me. I have hella pictures of my beautiful mother to show them. I'm going to get my first tattoos soon. I'm not going to tell anyone, but they're all for my mom.

In life or death my mom is with me. She loves me so much. I just wish she'd say it. I finally told her I was in a serious relationship and we were expecting a child that didn't make it. It took me almost two years to tell her. I told her via email too. I also finally told her I've been diagnosed with high anxiety, lack of appetite, and depression. She said she's sorry. I told her it's not her fault.

I've been through a lot these past three years and I had no outlet. I don't like to burden people with my shyt. I know I'm annoying. And I'm weird. I don't need to be kicked when I'm down so I keep shyt to myself. One day I started crying uncontrollably for like 20 minutes. I couldn't stop crying. Nothing triggered it. And as hard as I tried I couldn't stop.

It kept happening out of the blue. I'd have moments of uncontrollable sorrow. I'd hide in my car and cry. Or I'd go in the freezer because the engines are so loud nobody can hear me.

I have to fight to feel good about myself everyday. I don't feel valuable. I know I am, but I've been discarded so many times in my life by people who told me they loved me. Love is unconditional and everlasting. My love is anyway. I've been focusing on being positive everyday and it's working so far. I feel good, genuinely good about myself. I hate to admit taking EVERYONE'S advice works for me. Lol which means I was wrong. That's a hard pill to swallow, but I did, and I'm a better man because of it. It's been humbling.

I swear I love everybody who's helped turn my attitude around. They didn't have to. God bless those people for giving me a fair shot and speaking honestly with me. I know people see my potential as a young man which is why they talk to me. I'm not going to disrespect them by being a POS.

I'm going to keep talking about my feelings. I'm going to keep following all the rules and I'm going to keep aiming to get things early. I'm scared to date girls I like and I need to stop because this girl is amazing. But she isn't bad at all. She average. I'm used to dating girls that start fights. Lol, they bad as fukk. I dated them to validate how I viewed myself. That's not healthy, but I've been doing it for so long idunno how to stop.

Pic of me today: I didn't wrap my hair the night before and my shyt was mad dry, lol, it wasn't cute at all. They call me a pretty boy at work. Idunno why, I'm not beautiful. Girls like me for the lifestyle or my energy. I've only had one girl tell me I have a body she drools over. She saw me in my soccer warms ups and my soccer kits. I do look great in clothes. My body is proportioned well, but my bone structure is trash.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

Today was fun. I've been waking up early and forcing myself to be productive. I handled all my business before noon. I usually don't wake up before noon. I rode a bike to do all my appointments today and it was enjoyable for me. I need to burn off the extra energy I have or I get anxious and it's all downhill from there. Cycling might be my new shyt because it tires me out like playing soccer. Not playing soccer depressed me. Quitting soccer broke my heart more than any woman I've loved.

It sounds silly but I'm an athlete and I need to compete and train to feel good about myself. I need physical challenges. I need risk and danger in my life to prove to myself I am who I think I am. On the soccer field I painted pictures. I express myself freely with my style of play. Soccer is a dance, the field is a blank canvas, and I'm the artists. Playing high level sports is more mental than physical.

I was the most dangerous when I was silent. I was always talking when I played. But when I was silent it was because I saw an opportunity to score a goal and I was imagining how to make it happen. Cycling is mental too. I see the lines in traffic I need to hit and only focus on them and what's in front of me. It's peaceful. I get to race cars on my bike which is hella fun. I need to get a helmet ASAP, but I'm not trying to mess up my hair. So I'm not going to speed on my bike I'm going to cruise so I don't have to wear a helmet. I skateboard so I know how to fall and not hit my face.

I've been listening to K. Lamar's discography all day. It's fire. I was doubting him because The Waters by Mick Jenkins IMO is perfect and should be discussed in serious music circles as a possible classic.

This young generation has some real artists making hip hop and they need to get their props. The symbolism, truth, in their message moves me. They're very technical MC's and these young nikkas are onto something with their new style of spitting. I feel like they get it. They remind me of indie rockers I grew up listening to. I'm feeling this heavily melodic dark funky jazzy hip hop.

Water is a powerful symbol in African culture. I see what these young men are doing. I agree. I hear them. I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it's our time to fight back with all our weapons. Black people have a lot of soul. Some cultures believe groups of people can call on the force of creation if they have a collective thought or feeling. We will never have money or control enough resources to stop white supremacy. But we have tools demons don't. Basically we need better access to education and healthy foods. We also need access to media so we can communicate with each other. Rap is our news network. It's simple but it's complex.

Mick Jenkins, J Cole, K. Lamar, Satyre, Illmaculate, and Onlyone are in constant rotation.


This chick I'm talking to is religious. She raises many good points, but she's not open to the scientific explanations that support her talking points. It's maddening! It's illogical. It's faith. I respect her. I like when people stand by their beliefs and can still talk to people who have similar views.

I don't believe God condemns people to hell. I don't buy into something that took the time to design and create EVERYTHING is destructive and petty. I believe God is love and love is the creative force behind creation. I don't believe God speaks to man. I believe God sends us signals and it's up to us to use FREE WILL, our SOULS, and BRAINS to determine what they mean. I think man will create hell on Earth and maybe there will be a rapture. Who knows? I believe white people really are the devil and demons. Look at what they've done to the world since they've been in charge. It's not an accident it's by design.

I believe Africans are the closest to God because we're the OG people. White people can sense our greatness and access to the creative force. They hate us for it. They hate the truth. The connection to that energy allows us to do great things when we believe and move with our hearts and souls as our vehicles. White people aren't gifted or special. They had to commit genocide, destroy ideologies and create an international hate and propaganda machine to rise to power. They're not welcome amongst the righteous so they have to rule earth because the sky belongs to the OG people. As does the universe.

We're imitated because we're creators. White people are destroyers. They bring chaos and confusion and call it society and civility. Or democracy, hahaha.

They fukked up though fukking with these Muslims. Their time is up. So they're going to try to push forward their mission of destruction of humanity before they get ousted. All non white people need to be spiritually strong and know how the devil speaks when you're in the presence of evil. They try to use logic and education against you. I know the sky is blue but if a white person tells me that I'm going to look up just to make sure. Don't trust them or befriend them.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

My shyt is deep. Deeper than my grave G. I'm ready to die and nobody can save me. My mother didn't give me what I want, what the fukk? Now I've got a glock making motherfukkers duck. I'm ready to die and nobody can save me.

They say a lot about me let me tell you what I ain't. I ain't playing. It's twice as hard to get a job that's paying so I ain't paying attention to what you saying.

I'm only trying to give you what you want. I got that ignorant shyt you need. Scarface the movie did more than Scarface the rapper did to me.

Man I got to get my soul right. I got to get these devils out my life.

Had to play with fire and get burned only way the boy ever going to learn. Had to lay way in the cut until I finally got my turn.

Man I promise I'm so self conscious that's why you always see me with one of my watches. I got a couple past due bills I won't get specific. And the white man gets paid off of all of that.


I'll fly away. When I die hallelujah by and by. I'll fly away. I wish I could buy me a spaceship and fly past the sky.

Y'all don't know my struggle. Y'all can't match my hustle. You can't catch my hustle and you can't fathom my love dude. I probably should have finished school like my niece than I wouldn't have to use my piece.

God show me the way because the devil is trying to break me down. I'm trying to talk to God but I'm afraid because we haven't spoke in so long. Saying amen my behavior is wild. I'm an atheist praying, it's too late for saving me now.


I feel like nothing holds me back but me If you know me you know that's a fact. They ask me when I'll come down I'm stuck up so what now.

It's only myself I love but without you there's no development.

He met her through a friend and wish he could make that day rewind. What's the future bring when two souls melt into dreams? He met her through a friend and wish he could make that day rewind.

You can still die from that but it's better than not being alive from straps.

I took they history class serious, front row, every day of the week, 3rd period. fukkin' with the teachers head, calling him racist. I tried to show them crackers some light they couldn't face it.

Sister sorry for the pain that I caused your heart. I know I'll change if you help me but don't fall apart. Bear with me. can't you see we're under attack? I never meant to cause drama to my sister and mama.

Hip hop saved my life.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

I went out for the first time in a long time. Ended up at a bar I used to go to a lot. Everyone was drunk and choosing. I was a bit nervous and wanted to do blow. Lol I got the fukk out of there ASAP.

I don't like beer, but I've drank three beers in the last month. That's more than I drank all of last year. But I need to socialize so I've been hanging out with people again. Whoever wants to hang out with me I hang out with. I'm starting to make friends again. I forgot I'm kind of funny and charming.

I'm becoming soft spoken and quiet. I like listening to people talk and getting to know them. Hahaha I'm just happy someone wants my company, honestly, it's nice to feel wanted and as if people enjoy my company.

I bought a bike! It's a Miyata 310 from the 80s. I love the color. I want to have the prettiest yellow bike in town. I want to put orange grips and orange seat on it. I used to not enjoy cycling, but now I do very much. I plan to buy a few other bikes to customize. I'm considering throwing myself into learning to take a part and build bikes. Hell, I've even been researching how to paint them as well.

"The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in."

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

It's been too long I want to walk away right now. Our love I thought I could sustain. Don't worry about me anymore cause I'll be gone by the morning time.

What's so wrong with being happy? I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal.

Conversation profound I was down on my luck but I was still myself. Drinking all this water trying to heal myself. I got love for a hater would give up a rib. People tell me I'm that nikka now. I know none of that shyt is real.

 

[iFightSeagullsForBread]

@Still Ill FC

I find it crazy how you say some black people find you weird, and you mainly rotate with alt/nerd black folk. You seem way more presentable and put together than a lot of people and I would think they would see past that.

I say this because I'm pretty much the artsy fartsy one in my family with the swagger of a reffugee and black folk who were either considered everyday, suburban, hood, college grad, art fiends, religious etc seem to rock with me with no problems.

Hope things getter better.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

@Still Ill FC

I find it crazy how you say some black people find you weird, and you mainly rotate with alt/nerd black folk. You seem way more presentable and put together than a lot of people and I would think they would see past that.

I say this because I'm pretty much the artsy fartsy one in my family with the swagger of a reffugee and black folk who were either considered everyday, suburban, hood, college grad, art fiends, religious etc seem to rock with me with no problems.

Hope things getter better.

Things are getting better. I'm eating more and staying calm. Writing helps too.

I'm just a weird guy. There's a lot to see past. It's hard to put me in a box so the people I befriend are usually the alternative crowd.

Thanks for reminding me I need a haircut. I've decided to convert to vegetarianism again! Meat has been grossing me out lately and I think my body performs better when I don't eat a lot of meat. I'll only eat meat when learning to prepare a dish that includes meat.

 

[wickedsm]

This is an interesting look inside of you op. At times I felt guilty reading it.
Keep being you. Be the best you that you can be.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

The new girl hates my guts. Lol she really thinks she's somebody because she's got some guys on her dikk. I don't chase and I don't simp. She tried to trap me. She said her name is blank and I just said oh and kept cooking. I didn't even look up or over at her. Hahaha, Idgaf how fine a girl is. It's MOB over here all day. Also it's not hard to control the thirst because I've already dated beautiful girls. I've dated older women. I've dated lawyers. Doctors. Teachers. Etc. I'm not sweating a pretty face with no brains.

If she would calm the fukk down we could be friends. I like that she has a lot of pride and enough ego to be unaffected by mine.

I won two awards at work. That's two more than my entire department. And I got trained in pizza and Rot Chix. Lol, in two days. I burned myself a lot yesterday. I smell like chicken grease and smoke. Hahaha, it's a little gross.

If I had a gun and shot it at your face would you promise to not get out the way? Evelyn, I'll tell you that im alive for the first time and I'm begging you to leave me now and I'm begging you to die painfully. I'll help you occupy a shallow grave. A grave shallow as you are.

I used to long for broken bones. I used to long for a casket to call my own. I never had a problem facing fears. Drive yourself insane tonight it's not that far away and I just filled your tank up today. I'm fukked without you.

See I don't know if you can help me or not cause I don't feel sick but the pain in my head is going to put me in underground.

I know it's dark here and I'm scared too. For some reason of everything but you. You're all that I recognize. I need to hear something that sounds like an answer. From you I can barely feel a thing but I'll follow anyone who brings me to you.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

I just got home from kicking it. It's 445am. I spent the night by lake hanging out like a normal person. I really enjoyed myself. Cycling through the city allows me to appreciate how beautiful the city is. Driving through the city is annoying because the road conditions aren't good, parking is bad, and people drive like they're crazy.

When I'm on a bike I feel in tune with the road. I can feel every bump and bend. The wind blows through all of my clothes and the sun and moon light guide me. I like biking past the skyscrapers because I see my reflection and it looks bad ass.

I wear a black or green wind breaker when I bike. My bike is yellow. With yellow paint on the inner wall of each tire and yellow grips. I look too clean on it. Especially when I don't wrap my hair.

I finally got the girl's attention. I'm nervous because she reminds me of girls I should stay away from. I feel like this could be good or bad. I can't control myself. I feel like the forces of nature are bringing us together. I'm supposed to explore this. It could be nothing but it could be something.

I'm developing a routine that keeps me calm. Exercising helps a lot. Taking care of things early is too. I'm smart but I got lazy being in the same situation for years. I'm getting back on my shyt. I forgot rule number one.

My body is responding well to not eating meat again. I'm proud of myself. I challenged myself when I could have coasted in that situation until I was 30.

I was destroying myself. Some parts of myself I can't get back. The parts I'm able to get back I want to hone. When I hear myself laugh it's weird. I've been laughing lately. At nice things too! I'm losing my edge. I don't get as angry as frequently as I used to.

Kobe retiring is interesting because I retired my inner black mamba. I'm less competitive. I don't focus on money as much as I used to. I really want to slap the shyt out of the old me. I had my head so far up my own ass it's gotta be a record. I cannot believe how arrogant I was.

When I see young men behaving as I used to I laugh because they don't know the price they're going to pay. I got off light with a broken heart. Love Yourz by J Cole summarizes how I feel.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

I can feel m body changing. It's weird to me when people tell me they can't lose weight or get in shape. I consider a successful person to be fit. Success is more than being smart, attractive, or dressing well.

People ask me for fitness tips and I tell them. Whether they use them or not is on them. I've noticed people eat diet foods and exercise a little bit. That's not going to get most people in shape.

Folks gotta eat healthy foods and exercise everyday. Diet food and health food are different. Diet soda isn't healthy. Healthy soda exists. It's carbonated water, simple syrup, and flavor. I drink home made soda everyday. My shyt is off the hook. Sometimes I make disgusting recipes, hahaha, I forget those, though all of those mistakes I make have helped me fine tune my recipes.

I've been writing a recipe book for years. The theme of my recipe book is quick, healthy, simple meals that encourage a healthy life. I want to have an empire revolving around food and health. I'm focusing on feeding single parent households and black folks. I know healthier lifestyles in my community will do more good than money. A healthy mind, body, and spirit is unstoppable.

I hone my mind, body, and spirit. That's why I'm healthy. It takes a lot of discipline, but anyone can do it. I can jump higher than a lot people that are taller than me. I'm faster. I'm stronger. I'm quicker. This wasn't always true. I work at it everyday.

I think being healthy is expensive if you don't know to keep it simple. Access to education and where people live comes into play. Its tricky. I think nutrition is finally becoming more important in my community.

Everybody yells about education like black people haven't been increasing their graduation rates. Now nikkas are telling me being a doctor, lawyer, teacher, business owner, entertainer, and athlete are the only options kids want or should want.

That's ridiculous. My success cannot be measured by my resume or bank account. I dunno if I'm old school or progressive but I think adult should encourage kids to be confident and acquire skills. Not be trained to work.

What ever happened to going to school to learn a skill? Adults lie to children and wonder why children end up crazy.

 

[scarlxrd]

My roommate tried to tell me about responsibilities when this bytch is 40 grand in debt, with no degree, and working at a call center.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

Im rocking the Nike Waffle Trainers, vintage over sized J Crew Oxford, some skinny jeans sagged perfectly, and my A's hat. I have a lot of clothes I stopped wearing for years. I'm rocking them now because I cannot dress as I used to. Hahaha, worked out because this look is kind of hot right now.

 

[TL15]

my nykka in here f*ckin up his dap to post ratio for the cultcha

hold your head breh

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

There's blood on my hands but you don't see it. I'm washing my hands for no reason. My life a open book bring my paper back. Nosy neighbors see me do something illegal and snitch then live their life not believing in shyt.

-Onlyone