Malik1time
What you looking at?
Been trying to meditate but I always get distracted and stop doing itmeditation is the answer my friend
read this book if you truly want an answer for your anxiety/depression
Daily Rant Thread.
- Thread starter SeveroDrgnfli
- Start date
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- Tags
- adoption anxiety depression
you cant run a marathon in 1 day after a lifetime of no exerciseBeen trying to meditate but I always get distracted and stop doing it
same thing here just keep at it everyday
SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
So I DL a bible app and forgot about it. I woke up yesterday to Ecclesiates 3. The universe speaks to me and protects me. I know there's something up there man. For real. Whenever I'm ready to quit or do some evil shyt I get a sign.
Ironically my boy is the one that opened my heart and mind to knowledge outside of science. We hustled together. He was more of a big brother than anything else. "I hung around thugs, and even though they sold drugs, they showed a young brother love."
It hurt to distance myself from him but I knew he wasn't living right and neither was I. I saw him a few weeks ago for the first time in like a year. He's out on bail. Fighting two cases. felonies I'm sure.
I know I'm supposed to do something in this world. I'm getting close to it. Last night was real hard. But after reading the Bible by accident I feel at peace. I know I have angels. I've encountered some on Earth. And some watch over me.
I've never feared dying. At one point in my life I was searching for it. Being a nanny changed me. I realized I have a lot of love to give. And kids love me. They really do. I had a kid walk up to me and tell me it's going to be okay. That kid didn't know me. This kid was like 7 or 8. This kid told me I always look sad.
I love kids so much. They're what adults should be. All kids' eyes sparkle. God speaks through children. I'm not the only person who thinks this. Artists have made albums around this theory.
A part of me is still a child. It's a double edged sword. But I've accepted being an orphan I didn't get some shyt when I was real young. My psychologist told me even when I was 7 or 8 I attempted to be the parent. I realize now I was expressing my longing for the parent I wished I had.
Furthermore I'm drawn to child care because I want to make sure kids get what I didn't because we as adults only get one shot to not ruin a child by neglecting them.
I played soccer because I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself. I wanted a family, a team, a partner. I still do. I know it's out there for me. And I need to be prepared for those gifts when I receive them. I'm not ready yet and that's why I don't have them.
Morrissey says people without love don't deserve it or haven't earned it. He's right. That's a hard pill to swallow for people because we feel entitled to love.
The Smiths are my heart. I can't listen to them around people who don't feel the same way. There's no such thing as a casual fan. When I listen to them I feel like I'm a part of something. When I went to a Morrissey show I met so many people. We were a family. We all talked to each other and it wasn't that BS convo people have. We talked about real shyt.
When I was a life guard I saw a guy with his family. He had a smith's tattoo. I talked to him and his family for hours at the lake.
Ironically my boy is the one that opened my heart and mind to knowledge outside of science. We hustled together. He was more of a big brother than anything else. "I hung around thugs, and even though they sold drugs, they showed a young brother love."
It hurt to distance myself from him but I knew he wasn't living right and neither was I. I saw him a few weeks ago for the first time in like a year. He's out on bail. Fighting two cases. felonies I'm sure.
I know I'm supposed to do something in this world. I'm getting close to it. Last night was real hard. But after reading the Bible by accident I feel at peace. I know I have angels. I've encountered some on Earth. And some watch over me.
I've never feared dying. At one point in my life I was searching for it. Being a nanny changed me. I realized I have a lot of love to give. And kids love me. They really do. I had a kid walk up to me and tell me it's going to be okay. That kid didn't know me. This kid was like 7 or 8. This kid told me I always look sad.
I love kids so much. They're what adults should be. All kids' eyes sparkle. God speaks through children. I'm not the only person who thinks this. Artists have made albums around this theory.
A part of me is still a child. It's a double edged sword. But I've accepted being an orphan I didn't get some shyt when I was real young. My psychologist told me even when I was 7 or 8 I attempted to be the parent. I realize now I was expressing my longing for the parent I wished I had.
Furthermore I'm drawn to child care because I want to make sure kids get what I didn't because we as adults only get one shot to not ruin a child by neglecting them.
I played soccer because I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself. I wanted a family, a team, a partner. I still do. I know it's out there for me. And I need to be prepared for those gifts when I receive them. I'm not ready yet and that's why I don't have them.
Morrissey says people without love don't deserve it or haven't earned it. He's right. That's a hard pill to swallow for people because we feel entitled to love.
The Smiths are my heart. I can't listen to them around people who don't feel the same way. There's no such thing as a casual fan. When I listen to them I feel like I'm a part of something. When I went to a Morrissey show I met so many people. We were a family. We all talked to each other and it wasn't that BS convo people have. We talked about real shyt.
When I was a life guard I saw a guy with his family. He had a smith's tattoo. I talked to him and his family for hours at the lake.
SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
Wow. Like it couldn't get any worse. I almost passed out from work because I didn't eat yesterday and I made like 40 baked, roasted, grilled, and fried chickens. I was working in front of ovens and open fires for eight hours carrying pikes with four chickens on each.
A) I found out this chick I was flirting with but hooked my friend up with instead. This chick's best friend/roommate is cute as fukk. I told him I was trying to holler at her friend so he wouldn't feel bad about going in on home girl.
I told him to keep it between us. He told her! Then she told me. Girl A and I are friends now. She's cool. I'm just not trying to go there with her. She told me she didn't tell her friend. Lmao, I don't believe her. But girl B has been going out of her way to talk to me. So maybe I should explore it. I just don't want it to be awkward because we all work together. And I could see all of us being friends.
B) I get off of work at 11pm if I'm lucky. And I gotta cross through some real dangerous areas to get home. I'm biking home and my chain slipped and got stuck. I was in the heart of the hood too. The 30s ain't no joke. I couldn't call an Uber because I lost my wallet. I have nobody to call to save my ass. I walked a mile through the 20s and 30s solo with a bright ass top of the line bike.
I'm walking past the projects and hella nikkas are out in groups ON BOTH SIDES OF THE STREET. I wasn't going to bytch up in front of these nikkas so I couldn't turn around because then I look like an easy meal. I heard them talking about me as I walked by. They were doing fast math on me. There were 6 or 7 clocking me hard.
I saw a few start walking behind me while a couple on bikes rode in front of me. I didn't flinch or look back. I accepted I gotta take this ass whooping. I pulled my blade out and kept it concealed in my pocket. I figured if I give one a buck fifty and put my bike on my shoulders and spin in a circle it'd be a good weapon and I'd look crazy. Maybe they'd get scared. Or they'd shoot me.
Either way fukk it. I decided how I died. And that's a honorable death. I'll be carried to Valhalla for dying an honorable death.
One asked me for a cig. He was in front of me. I knew he was sent to slow me down so the ones behind could jump me. I said, "naw breh, I ain't got nothing for you breh. I got my wallet stolen and my cell phone earlier today. What up with a cigarette homie?"
They knew I was from the Lower Bottoms from the way I said it. I gave that nikka a non aggressive but stern look. I never broke eye contact with him. All of sudden a lexus pulls up in front of me. I was surrounded. Lol either my bike or my dead body was going in that trunk I figured. I looked at the driver and gestured for him to GTF out my way. And he actually moved.
These nikkas figured I wasn't an easy lick and let me live. I got very lucky. Luckily I did grow up in this city and in another hood. My bike is fresh as fukk, so they thought I am one of the rich hipsters who lives in our neighborhood.
I have a car. But my gate clicker broke so I can't get out of the driveway until I replace it. I don't have my wallet so a taxi isn't an option.
I just laughed out loud while walking at how fukked up this is. Really bro? Lmao this is my life right now. The icing on the cake was I got a text from one of my old clients telling me they're worried about me and they want me back. 30 dollars an hour, plus free food, plus I can hustle, and free room and board in the Berkeley Hills.
I know they are worried. I helped raise hella kids as a nanny. My former clients love me. I can't go back to that life though. 30 an hour with no cap on how much I make a week is tempting. But I want to be a chef and I'm too close to go backwards. I don't respond to the texts.
I'm sorry to worry so many people but I can't tell them I'm depressed and severely anxious to quote my doctors. So I don't respond. There's a lot I want to tell them because they really do care about me. I know they're scared. I think I'm going to email all my clients letting them know.
I'm ashamed to be diagnosed with this shyt. How pathetic can I be? Orphan, heart broken, failed athlete, walked away from a successful business to a low paying job, nobody likes me, and I've been diagnosed with depression and high anxiety.
That's hard to say. I told my ex everything after I drank way too much wine and she started crying. She was raped multiple times. And abused viciously. She cried for me.
I know she still loves me. I'm never going back. But I know she loves me. I still love her. We're not in love though. We both made our decisions and we're moving forward. We were great parents and we loved the fukk out of each other. I would never raise my hand to the mother of my children or anyone woman I love. And I would bury someone alive for doing that. We were trying to have a kid. It just never kept.
I know this will sound crazy but I know I'll be okay. I believe in myself and love. I have faith in love. And I love myself. I ask my ancestors for protection and balance everyday. So fukk it, I'm dancing in the rain no matter what.
"I walk the Earth just like God works. In mysterious ways."
Heart and skull gang representer. Card carrying member of the Bayside Social Club. I am the rose that grew from concrete.
I gotta make it for every orphan everywhere. I'm doing this for all of us. Nobody wanted us but we still here. So fukk it. I'm going to win and do it gracefully. We need a hero. Every group has one except for us. I'm going to be that guy.
When I was a kid I wanted to know orphans and adopted kids can make it. Pac will always be my hero man. I know he wrote some songs for me. "Tupac cares if don't nobody else cares."
A) I found out this chick I was flirting with but hooked my friend up with instead. This chick's best friend/roommate is cute as fukk. I told him I was trying to holler at her friend so he wouldn't feel bad about going in on home girl.
I told him to keep it between us. He told her! Then she told me. Girl A and I are friends now. She's cool. I'm just not trying to go there with her. She told me she didn't tell her friend. Lmao, I don't believe her. But girl B has been going out of her way to talk to me. So maybe I should explore it. I just don't want it to be awkward because we all work together. And I could see all of us being friends.
B) I get off of work at 11pm if I'm lucky. And I gotta cross through some real dangerous areas to get home. I'm biking home and my chain slipped and got stuck. I was in the heart of the hood too. The 30s ain't no joke. I couldn't call an Uber because I lost my wallet. I have nobody to call to save my ass. I walked a mile through the 20s and 30s solo with a bright ass top of the line bike.
I'm walking past the projects and hella nikkas are out in groups ON BOTH SIDES OF THE STREET. I wasn't going to bytch up in front of these nikkas so I couldn't turn around because then I look like an easy meal. I heard them talking about me as I walked by. They were doing fast math on me. There were 6 or 7 clocking me hard.
I saw a few start walking behind me while a couple on bikes rode in front of me. I didn't flinch or look back. I accepted I gotta take this ass whooping. I pulled my blade out and kept it concealed in my pocket. I figured if I give one a buck fifty and put my bike on my shoulders and spin in a circle it'd be a good weapon and I'd look crazy. Maybe they'd get scared. Or they'd shoot me.
Either way fukk it. I decided how I died. And that's a honorable death. I'll be carried to Valhalla for dying an honorable death.
One asked me for a cig. He was in front of me. I knew he was sent to slow me down so the ones behind could jump me. I said, "naw breh, I ain't got nothing for you breh. I got my wallet stolen and my cell phone earlier today. What up with a cigarette homie?"
They knew I was from the Lower Bottoms from the way I said it. I gave that nikka a non aggressive but stern look. I never broke eye contact with him. All of sudden a lexus pulls up in front of me. I was surrounded. Lol either my bike or my dead body was going in that trunk I figured. I looked at the driver and gestured for him to GTF out my way. And he actually moved.
These nikkas figured I wasn't an easy lick and let me live. I got very lucky. Luckily I did grow up in this city and in another hood. My bike is fresh as fukk, so they thought I am one of the rich hipsters who lives in our neighborhood.
I have a car. But my gate clicker broke so I can't get out of the driveway until I replace it. I don't have my wallet so a taxi isn't an option.
I just laughed out loud while walking at how fukked up this is. Really bro? Lmao this is my life right now. The icing on the cake was I got a text from one of my old clients telling me they're worried about me and they want me back. 30 dollars an hour, plus free food, plus I can hustle, and free room and board in the Berkeley Hills.
I know they are worried. I helped raise hella kids as a nanny. My former clients love me. I can't go back to that life though. 30 an hour with no cap on how much I make a week is tempting. But I want to be a chef and I'm too close to go backwards. I don't respond to the texts.
I'm sorry to worry so many people but I can't tell them I'm depressed and severely anxious to quote my doctors. So I don't respond. There's a lot I want to tell them because they really do care about me. I know they're scared. I think I'm going to email all my clients letting them know.
I'm ashamed to be diagnosed with this shyt. How pathetic can I be? Orphan, heart broken, failed athlete, walked away from a successful business to a low paying job, nobody likes me, and I've been diagnosed with depression and high anxiety.
That's hard to say. I told my ex everything after I drank way too much wine and she started crying. She was raped multiple times. And abused viciously. She cried for me.
I know she still loves me. I'm never going back. But I know she loves me. I still love her. We're not in love though. We both made our decisions and we're moving forward. We were great parents and we loved the fukk out of each other. I would never raise my hand to the mother of my children or anyone woman I love. And I would bury someone alive for doing that. We were trying to have a kid. It just never kept.
I know this will sound crazy but I know I'll be okay. I believe in myself and love. I have faith in love. And I love myself. I ask my ancestors for protection and balance everyday. So fukk it, I'm dancing in the rain no matter what.
"I walk the Earth just like God works. In mysterious ways."
Heart and skull gang representer. Card carrying member of the Bayside Social Club. I am the rose that grew from concrete.
I gotta make it for every orphan everywhere. I'm doing this for all of us. Nobody wanted us but we still here. So fukk it. I'm going to win and do it gracefully. We need a hero. Every group has one except for us. I'm going to be that guy.
When I was a kid I wanted to know orphans and adopted kids can make it. Pac will always be my hero man. I know he wrote some songs for me. "Tupac cares if don't nobody else cares."
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1970s HeRon Flow
Takin Penitentiary Chances
One day at a time
Stay up brother
Stay up brother
SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
I am so fukking hungry. My hands hurt. I have cuts on both hands that aren't healing because I keep reopening them. I didn't leave work until about 1am, because after making over 30 rotisserie chickens while working in front of a hot ass oven I had to help clean dishes, close the deli, & burrito bar. My whole department bailed. It was me and leadership. And they didn't know how to do dishes, so it was really just me. I have cuts all over my hands.
Lol its just funny because people ask me how I'm doing all the time and fake like they care. If they cared they'd help me. It's that simple. Save your advice and put your money where your mouth is. I don't have shyt. Everybody talks shyt. But I help everyone professionally and personally.
I think my friend and myself are the only good people I've met. We help people for real. Rarely do I ask people how they're feeling because I don't care. But if you need something I got you. Regardless of how I feel about someone personally or professionally they're still a human and everybody needs more help than you can possibly imagine.
Everyone asks me for help. It's wild. I had a work review and they told me I need to ask for help. Lol I laughed. I ask for help. I'm denied help. Also, I can look at someone and see they need help. I'm not worried and I don't need help because I'm not a p*ssy. I already figured out how I'm going to handle this shyt because I'm smart.
It's weird. I'm not angry anymore. I used to be pissed off all the time. I just keep to myself. It keeps me from getting angry. When someone annoys me I forgive them. The bible is getting me through this shyt. fukk humans. I'm rolling with angels and Gods. There's nothing anyone can do to harm me.
I'm also tough as shyt. In soccer were trained not to be p*ssy. Yes. My whole body hurts. All my joints feel like they're going to fall off. I'm going to push myself harder and harder everyday from this point to get stronger. The average person doesn't grasp the concept of training your body and will to not be weak.
I've been speaking Spanish at work because my Latino homies hold me down. I relate to them more than any other groups. I basically am a hard working immigrant.
LeBron and Curry fans man. I'm a Jordan and Bryant fan. We play through anything. No excuses. And we win big. I've got two projects in the works.
Any day now i could flip. On the edge and i could slip any day now. Human being but I got a mutant gene. Jubilee, I'm a wolverine.
Emo motherfukker acting like a numb nikka not sure if I'm acting anymore that's the humdinger.
I'm M O B just like all the other sons of single mothers. Money over anything but values over everything. I mastered infiltration without social conformity.
Never mine, she was never mine. She ain't a keeper. Homie you can keep her.
Lol its just funny because people ask me how I'm doing all the time and fake like they care. If they cared they'd help me. It's that simple. Save your advice and put your money where your mouth is. I don't have shyt. Everybody talks shyt. But I help everyone professionally and personally.
I think my friend and myself are the only good people I've met. We help people for real. Rarely do I ask people how they're feeling because I don't care. But if you need something I got you. Regardless of how I feel about someone personally or professionally they're still a human and everybody needs more help than you can possibly imagine.
Everyone asks me for help. It's wild. I had a work review and they told me I need to ask for help. Lol I laughed. I ask for help. I'm denied help. Also, I can look at someone and see they need help. I'm not worried and I don't need help because I'm not a p*ssy. I already figured out how I'm going to handle this shyt because I'm smart.
It's weird. I'm not angry anymore. I used to be pissed off all the time. I just keep to myself. It keeps me from getting angry. When someone annoys me I forgive them. The bible is getting me through this shyt. fukk humans. I'm rolling with angels and Gods. There's nothing anyone can do to harm me.
I'm also tough as shyt. In soccer were trained not to be p*ssy. Yes. My whole body hurts. All my joints feel like they're going to fall off. I'm going to push myself harder and harder everyday from this point to get stronger. The average person doesn't grasp the concept of training your body and will to not be weak.
I've been speaking Spanish at work because my Latino homies hold me down. I relate to them more than any other groups. I basically am a hard working immigrant.
LeBron and Curry fans man. I'm a Jordan and Bryant fan. We play through anything. No excuses. And we win big. I've got two projects in the works.
Any day now i could flip. On the edge and i could slip any day now. Human being but I got a mutant gene. Jubilee, I'm a wolverine.
Emo motherfukker acting like a numb nikka not sure if I'm acting anymore that's the humdinger.
I'm M O B just like all the other sons of single mothers. Money over anything but values over everything. I mastered infiltration without social conformity.
Never mine, she was never mine. She ain't a keeper. Homie you can keep her.
SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
All problems resolved. Didn't have to ask anyone I want no business with to help me. I handled it. Lol I almost passed out today. I had double vision and was seeing spots but I managed to eat enough calories to get through the day. Met a girl today who probably has a BF. She's too friendly. She gave me her number and invited me to her art show.
I dunno why but all the Jamaican girls I work with refuse to talk to me. I think they mistake my manners for flirting. Or there's a cultural thing going on. I think I confuse them. it doesn't matter to me.
So today was pretty cool. I made a fried chicken plate from scratch in front of a guest. And a slaw. I deconstructed the fried chicken, refried the skin of the chicken, and then flipped the entire meal into a fried chicken sandwich. I toasted the bread in a brick oven. I had the entire floor watching me. People were taking pictures of me and putting them on IG. Even my fellow cooks said I killed that shyt.
Lmao breh wouldn't let me finish his meal without stopping to take a picture.
People doubt my skills on here. Somebody said my cooking is trash. I got shytted on for giving my fellow posters skills it's taken years for me to learn.
When I'm famous don't act like I didn't show people how I get down. Lol anyway everybody changed their orders to whatever I was making. It was hilarious. At work people just tell me to make them whatever I want to make for them. I'm on that level. Without ever trying my food, just seeing it, people pay a premium price and give me a long leash.
I'm all over IG right now trending like a mug. I'm becoming a chef. I'm noticing the way I approach food is changing. I don't need recipes anymore unless it's something I've never experienced before. My presentation sucks. But I'll hire someone to make my shyt look good. I want to take some baking and cake decorating classes and do that for a few years too.
I want to be the Bob Dylan of cooking. All the chefs I admire told me work at a place for two years then move on. They also told me I really am the truth.
I feel like A.I. the other cooks, this includes the sushi chefs, ask me to make the meals they eat. Some guests will only eat food if I prepare it.
shyt, even the racist old white lady only wants me to make her macaroni salad. I'm not a production cook. I'm a bistro cook. I'm glad I'm doing production though because I'm more effecient now and production cooking is the future. Everyone will buy prepared meals in the future. I feed hundreds of people a day. I want to learn butchery too. I can't wait to slaughter an animal, clean it, break it down, and cook it.
Cooking allows people to like me. I'll take what I can get TBH. It's annoying people aren't cool with me until they want something. But it's all good that's how people are. POS. Every one of us. I plan to over charge for my services in the future. Honestly fukk everybody.
I don't just love food. I respect it. I respect my guest's health even if we don't like each other I'm going to prepare what I consider to be a perfect whatever the fukk is ordered.
I wish I got into this instead of soccer. I'd probably have my own cafe by now. I got invited to help on a BBQ truck. I'm doing it for free too. Smoking meats and BBQ is fukking hard. I would pay them to teach me. But they see the skills and they want to teach me. I get job offers at work too. It's hella funny. Other companies try to recruit from the one I work for because we are the best.
I don't think I'm a great cook. For real. I try to be one. I know a 19yo kid who's a way better cook than me. He doesn't even like cooking. He's just paying for school. It's humbling. I've met two cooks who don't even like cooking who are two of the best cooks I've ever seen.
I was doing some math in my head and I made my company 800 dollars in 8 hours off chickens alone. If you count the other shyt I make I'm producing well over a thousand dollars of revenue for them daily. That's over 7000 dollars a week on the low end. That's about 30 grand a month. I'm very proud of that people pay that much money for my food.
fukk I want a pb&j sandwich hella mad. Thats my shyt. It's crazy. If I finish school it's a wrap. All I need is that degree.
If I'm able to do what I want I wouldn't need a family. Somebody called me the Jackie Robinson of cooking at work. They said I'm breaking down barriers. And I am for my style of cooking.
My goal is simple. Help my black community by controlling the food. That's where it starts. I love cooking for my people. They trip out when I start speaking Spanish and French. Latino people lose their mind when they hear my perfect accent. Lol they just stare. I've been practicing my french. I suck, but I'm trying. I need to learn some Italian too. Italian food and American food are my favs. Simple and straight to the point.
I can cook a chicken so many different ways now. When I started I wouldn't cook chicken ever. Now It's nothing. I'll fry it. I'll grill it. I'll bake it. I'll steam it. I can do rotisserie. I can BBQ it. Stew it. My fried chicken is perfect. For real.
I can take a whole chicken and tear it down with no problem. I prefer to cook all my chicken on the bone. Thighs and breasts are the best pieces. Legs are trash. No flavor and they dry out quickly.
I was always nice at making sauces. I do not buy sauces or soup stocks. I make my own. My dough game is improving too. Lol the pay is shyt. I'm poor as fukk now. But it's been a humbling experience. Once I finish school though, it's a fukking wrap. I could make 170k a year as a kitchen manager easily with the styles of cooking I'm learning.
Conventional foods aren't me. I'm a Veg, Vegan, GF free cook and I'm fukking proud of that shyt.
I dunno why but all the Jamaican girls I work with refuse to talk to me. I think they mistake my manners for flirting. Or there's a cultural thing going on. I think I confuse them. it doesn't matter to me.
So today was pretty cool. I made a fried chicken plate from scratch in front of a guest. And a slaw. I deconstructed the fried chicken, refried the skin of the chicken, and then flipped the entire meal into a fried chicken sandwich. I toasted the bread in a brick oven. I had the entire floor watching me. People were taking pictures of me and putting them on IG. Even my fellow cooks said I killed that shyt.
Lmao breh wouldn't let me finish his meal without stopping to take a picture.
People doubt my skills on here. Somebody said my cooking is trash. I got shytted on for giving my fellow posters skills it's taken years for me to learn.
When I'm famous don't act like I didn't show people how I get down. Lol anyway everybody changed their orders to whatever I was making. It was hilarious. At work people just tell me to make them whatever I want to make for them. I'm on that level. Without ever trying my food, just seeing it, people pay a premium price and give me a long leash.
I'm all over IG right now trending like a mug. I'm becoming a chef. I'm noticing the way I approach food is changing. I don't need recipes anymore unless it's something I've never experienced before. My presentation sucks. But I'll hire someone to make my shyt look good. I want to take some baking and cake decorating classes and do that for a few years too.
I want to be the Bob Dylan of cooking. All the chefs I admire told me work at a place for two years then move on. They also told me I really am the truth.
I feel like A.I. the other cooks, this includes the sushi chefs, ask me to make the meals they eat. Some guests will only eat food if I prepare it.
shyt, even the racist old white lady only wants me to make her macaroni salad. I'm not a production cook. I'm a bistro cook. I'm glad I'm doing production though because I'm more effecient now and production cooking is the future. Everyone will buy prepared meals in the future. I feed hundreds of people a day. I want to learn butchery too. I can't wait to slaughter an animal, clean it, break it down, and cook it.
Cooking allows people to like me. I'll take what I can get TBH. It's annoying people aren't cool with me until they want something. But it's all good that's how people are. POS. Every one of us. I plan to over charge for my services in the future. Honestly fukk everybody.
I don't just love food. I respect it. I respect my guest's health even if we don't like each other I'm going to prepare what I consider to be a perfect whatever the fukk is ordered.
I wish I got into this instead of soccer. I'd probably have my own cafe by now. I got invited to help on a BBQ truck. I'm doing it for free too. Smoking meats and BBQ is fukking hard. I would pay them to teach me. But they see the skills and they want to teach me. I get job offers at work too. It's hella funny. Other companies try to recruit from the one I work for because we are the best.
I don't think I'm a great cook. For real. I try to be one. I know a 19yo kid who's a way better cook than me. He doesn't even like cooking. He's just paying for school. It's humbling. I've met two cooks who don't even like cooking who are two of the best cooks I've ever seen.
I was doing some math in my head and I made my company 800 dollars in 8 hours off chickens alone. If you count the other shyt I make I'm producing well over a thousand dollars of revenue for them daily. That's over 7000 dollars a week on the low end. That's about 30 grand a month. I'm very proud of that people pay that much money for my food.
fukk I want a pb&j sandwich hella mad. Thats my shyt. It's crazy. If I finish school it's a wrap. All I need is that degree.
If I'm able to do what I want I wouldn't need a family. Somebody called me the Jackie Robinson of cooking at work. They said I'm breaking down barriers. And I am for my style of cooking.
My goal is simple. Help my black community by controlling the food. That's where it starts. I love cooking for my people. They trip out when I start speaking Spanish and French. Latino people lose their mind when they hear my perfect accent. Lol they just stare. I've been practicing my french. I suck, but I'm trying. I need to learn some Italian too. Italian food and American food are my favs. Simple and straight to the point.
I can cook a chicken so many different ways now. When I started I wouldn't cook chicken ever. Now It's nothing. I'll fry it. I'll grill it. I'll bake it. I'll steam it. I can do rotisserie. I can BBQ it. Stew it. My fried chicken is perfect. For real.
I can take a whole chicken and tear it down with no problem. I prefer to cook all my chicken on the bone. Thighs and breasts are the best pieces. Legs are trash. No flavor and they dry out quickly.
I was always nice at making sauces. I do not buy sauces or soup stocks. I make my own. My dough game is improving too. Lol the pay is shyt. I'm poor as fukk now. But it's been a humbling experience. Once I finish school though, it's a fukking wrap. I could make 170k a year as a kitchen manager easily with the styles of cooking I'm learning.
Conventional foods aren't me. I'm a Veg, Vegan, GF free cook and I'm fukking proud of that shyt.
I love how you're finding religion breh. It was therapeutic for me growing up
Damon son, I wish I could cook at your level. This is just insane the talent you have
meditation is the answer my friend
read this book if you truly want an answer for your anxiety/depression
Read the description on his website, soudns amazing. Can't pick it up now, till resisting meditation and prayer. and trying to study other things ...
This guy is getting a buzz, it's actually great info. Made it through MOL, wasn't in right head space to get into Four agreements much ...
OP, u have trusted friends/family u can talk to? or a professional? It's good to get feedback if u're not on meds and trying to stay clean. I don't believe we can get through hardship alone.
SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
Man. Religion has saved my life man. I never thought I'd be that guy. But I had to fall due to pride. Every time I feel like dying I read the bible and I feel strong. Lol its weird man. The bible really does resonate with me. My faith is making me strong. The bible made me able to forgive people and let shyt go. I can't prove it. But I know God is real and God wants me to be a better man. And God is making me stronger by teaching me humility and forgiveness.
I appreciate the love brother, I really do man. You've been nothing but supportive of me getting healthy.
Thanks to everyone who's contributed to this thread. Ya'll are keeping me alive. I'm serious. I can't thank you all enough. I know I'm just words on a screen. But thank you. Just knowing I have some people who want me to be alive keeps me alive and drug free.
Some days I just want to do a bunch of coke and jump off a fukking building. But instead I think about the advice I got from all of you. I read the bible. And I calm the fukk down. I don't get depressed for more than day because of all of you.
SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
I had it a feeling of failure sucked dry. Lost like a camera's wide open eye. We've lost it a feeling for staying alive. Free from infection, free from this life.
There's no pain or pleasure when you're too numb to feel. There's a pedistol across the room and if I try to climb again the fall is fatal.
Just close the door and let me do what I need. Cause it's better for us if you just let me leave. I hate myself for loving you like this. And I hate myself for hating myself just enough to love you.
I guess you get caught up in the day to day drama of being you to notice me and what's become of my eyes.
You struck deep what most find hard to reach. I'll do what's best and slowly dissolve. I'd hold the sun up just to wake beside you. Imagine what would see if you just let yourself like me. Don't be sorry.
There's no pain or pleasure when you're too numb to feel. There's a pedistol across the room and if I try to climb again the fall is fatal.
Just close the door and let me do what I need. Cause it's better for us if you just let me leave. I hate myself for loving you like this. And I hate myself for hating myself just enough to love you.
I guess you get caught up in the day to day drama of being you to notice me and what's become of my eyes.
You struck deep what most find hard to reach. I'll do what's best and slowly dissolve. I'd hold the sun up just to wake beside you. Imagine what would see if you just let yourself like me. Don't be sorry.
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SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
I may have your heart but he has your body. And now you swear that, that you're being honest. But you're not being honest. You never could be.
SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
Got another award at work today. That was cool. I'm in a healthy pattern now. It's been hard to keep going. But I'm committed to it. Sometimes I get caught up in my past. It's hard to let go man. When things trigger memories they don't stop replaying in my head.
I feel guilty. My life hasn't been the worst. But it's affected me deeply. I've always had food and a place to sleep. But I've never felt safe or secure. People tell me I'm strong. I'm not. I'm just used to this. People tell me I'm confident. I just don't give a fukk. Lol there's a difference.
What keeps me alive is my belief in love. Sometimes I think I don't deserve it. But I know that's not true. We all deserve to feel secure and loved. I feel like I'm the only believer! People believe in god, money, and government but not love.
Love is a risk folks. We have to let go of our fear and allow people to love us. I've got a crush. A real crush. It's fukking amazing to feel this way again. I don't care how it plays out. I just appreciate this feeling. She smiles and I melt. She killed me twice today with a smile.
I realized my relationship with my mom has shaped my romantic relationships and it sucks. My mom makes me feel undeserving of her love and I assume all women feel that way.
Every time I iron a wrinkle I find another. I'm proud of myself for being able to recognize all this at the age of 26.
I wish I could convince everyone to appreciate the people they have around them. Man, I've made so many mistakes. Please just love somebody. Save your life and fall in love.
I feel guilty. My life hasn't been the worst. But it's affected me deeply. I've always had food and a place to sleep. But I've never felt safe or secure. People tell me I'm strong. I'm not. I'm just used to this. People tell me I'm confident. I just don't give a fukk. Lol there's a difference.
What keeps me alive is my belief in love. Sometimes I think I don't deserve it. But I know that's not true. We all deserve to feel secure and loved. I feel like I'm the only believer! People believe in god, money, and government but not love.
Love is a risk folks. We have to let go of our fear and allow people to love us. I've got a crush. A real crush. It's fukking amazing to feel this way again. I don't care how it plays out. I just appreciate this feeling. She smiles and I melt. She killed me twice today with a smile.
I realized my relationship with my mom has shaped my romantic relationships and it sucks. My mom makes me feel undeserving of her love and I assume all women feel that way.
Every time I iron a wrinkle I find another. I'm proud of myself for being able to recognize all this at the age of 26.
I wish I could convince everyone to appreciate the people they have around them. Man, I've made so many mistakes. Please just love somebody. Save your life and fall in love.
SeveroDrgnfli
Ain't nobody tryin to get indicted.
Good things are happening. I just gotta stay calm. God bless my friend. That girl keeps me going. Lol I'm actually improving myself. My depression is bad when I'm not productive. I need to feel valuable to myself. I've accepted how the world views me. It's heart breaking but that's life. A series of heart shattering universe shifting events.
I wonder when I'll finally allow myself to stay down when I get knocked down. I can't stay down, though I want to. When something kicks my ass I get angry and fight back.
Am I waking up at all today? I've lived a hard 25 years man. People always tell me other people have it worse because they see my accomplishments and skills. I had to damn near kill myself for 25 years to have this little bit of normalcy.
I got nothing left in the tank. Maybe it's time. I'm disgusted with America. Why should I push myself just to be brutalized by the police and discriminated against?
It hurts my feelings to be treated like a criminal. I try my hardest to be professional and responsible and to have police give me the side eyes and security at my place of work follow me is just wild. I have no criminal record. I do not dress like a thug, and anyone who's heard me speak can tell I've been to college.
I'm tired of working twice as a hard for half as much. My life is a half life. I always have to initiate all relationships in my life. If it weren't for my friend I don't know where I'd be. She really cares about me. I don't want to let her down. I know she needs me too.
I don't deserve this!
I wonder when I'll finally allow myself to stay down when I get knocked down. I can't stay down, though I want to. When something kicks my ass I get angry and fight back.
Am I waking up at all today? I've lived a hard 25 years man. People always tell me other people have it worse because they see my accomplishments and skills. I had to damn near kill myself for 25 years to have this little bit of normalcy.
I got nothing left in the tank. Maybe it's time. I'm disgusted with America. Why should I push myself just to be brutalized by the police and discriminated against?
It hurts my feelings to be treated like a criminal. I try my hardest to be professional and responsible and to have police give me the side eyes and security at my place of work follow me is just wild. I have no criminal record. I do not dress like a thug, and anyone who's heard me speak can tell I've been to college.
I'm tired of working twice as a hard for half as much. My life is a half life. I always have to initiate all relationships in my life. If it weren't for my friend I don't know where I'd be. She really cares about me. I don't want to let her down. I know she needs me too.
I don't deserve this!
