Everyday I wake up hoping it will be my last

The5thLetter

The5thLetter

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ben anderson said:
Every time I open my eyes in the morning I can't help but cry. Asking myself why am I even still alive? I've had this feeling for many years. I guess I feel safe sharing this on the web knowing that no one knows who I am. Growing up I always knew I was an outcast in my family. Since a young age I knew I was different from my siblings.i am the middle child of 3 boys. I want to give you guys a visual. Off some no homo shyt both my brothers are really attractive. My older brother looks like a mix between Reggie bush and usher. And my little brother looks like a light skin Tyson beck ford. I guess I was hit extra hard with the ugly stick because I look like Forrest Whitaker with a slight hint of Quasimodo. I was always called ugly by my relatives. I was a little kid so it didn't really bother me then, because I only cared about playing games and going outside shyt like that. As I got older I realized how my ugliness greatly embarrassed my parents. I remember sometimes my parents would go to these events and they would bring my brothers along but would always give me the option of staying home while they forced them to go. I think the moment that really hit me the hardest is when I overheard my dad telling my mom he wished she didn't name me after him. And multiple times of him calling me a ugly loser. shyt really messed with my mental. Whenever I would meet girls with my brothers they would always unknowingly kill my self esteem even worse. I would always get the " no way these are your brothers you guys look nothing a like."( and top it all off with the "no offense" as if that made it hurt a little less) I can honestly say I look for every reason on earth to hate my brothers but they literally are the only ones who I believe care about me. Always inviting me out and Stuff like that but what's the point?

I always thought hey maybe if I have a great personality and dress well then maybe just maybes life would be different. Now that I am 21 I've realized it's all just a bunch of bullshyt.

When I was in 11th grade my youngest brother was in 9th. This is going to sound pathetic but whatever. My 13 year old brother is the reason I'm not a virgin. This girl who was a fukking senior wanted to fukk my lil brother so bad he told her if she had sex with me he'd fukk her. And she did. She told me your lucky your brother is hot you would never get this if he wasn't. shyt felt so bad man I literally threw up after I was done.

I've never had a girl friend so everytime there's a family outing. Knowing dam well I don't have one everyone ask me sarcastically. On the outside looking in I guess it's funny but I've had dreams where I killed everyone in my family and it actually felt good. I don't think I'd do it though.

I've tried killing myself twice so far. The first time I took a lethal dose of heroin( it was my first and last time doing it. I just wanted to go out feeling good. I woke up and at least 16 hours had past. No one even checked on me in the time span smh.

The second time I bought a deuce deuce with some bullets. Went home and got ready to pull the trigger but it didn't work. nikka sold me a gun without a firing pin.


No one knows any of this besides you guys. Everyday I wake up and put the gun into my mouth just hoping it would go off. Now I just do reckless stuff wishing I'd die. Go on roller coasters when it's raining. Walking late night in Baltimore while counting money hoping to get robbed and killed. Thinking of just getting a. Lot of oxys and overdosing in the tub


Dam sharing that felt good
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Have you tried volunteering somewhere? People who are depressed or feel helpless/hopeless tend to alleviate those feelings when helping others less fortunate. It gives them a sense of purpose.
 
Brandon M.

Brandon M.

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Jesus Shuttlesworth said:
Man get the fukk outta here with this bullshyt. This ain't your personal journal. We are not your fukkin psychiatrist. :stopitslime:

No one cares what a pathetic loser you are. Get off the net and get a damn life. :camby:
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u going to hell if this nikka kill himself....blood on ur hands , lol yall nikka ruthless in here........aye ben inbox me my guy if u wanna talk
 
Uncle Trill

Uncle Trill

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"Oh im ugly poor me wah wah wah"

If thats your main reason for wanting to end you're life just do it, you're not built for this, your weak.
 
Uncle Trill

Uncle Trill

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Why you so ugly compared to you're brothers though? :patrice: Do you think your moms maybe stepped out on you're pops?
 
1

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:wow:just yesterday
ben anderson said:
lol stop putting htese hoes on the pedestal
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if you're serious you really need to seek help. book a session with a therapist rather than calling a suicide line. also, you are assuming some of those statements were about your looks like the girl saying you guys could not be related. i frequently got told that about my siblings and we looked alike.
 
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