I Had To Uninvite My Father to my Wedding

[Gold]

Honestly @Gold, this is on your mom.

This is what my counselor said.

I got really heated at that. I don't agree tbh. My mom gotta deal with this shyt 24/7. She probably given up

 

[PrnzHakeem]

What if my dad died tomorrow...

I know i'm just saying this cuz i'm still clearly emotional, but i wouldn't care that much if he died


I may regret this post later

You may not regret it, if that's how you feel.

I'm at that point with my pops, cuz it's the only way I could live stress and drama free. For me it was either feel that way (and be OK with him being dead to me) or me wanting to fight him on sight even though he lives on the other side of the US and I haven't seen him since he showed up unannounced at my wedding 10 years ago (with uninvited tag-alongs to boot)

The nerve of that nikka, he came with the troll level on that day

 

[The Coochie Assassin]

I'm currently in therapy, been in therapy for about 2 years now. 90% of what i talk about is related to my father, no surprise there.
Yeah i fukked up. I know i did. she wanted to elope, she saw the signs early. Not the signs against her, the signs against me.


I guess it would make more sense if I gave some background. My personality is very very laid back. I dont really fight with anyone anymore, i dont have a big ego, i take jokes and roll with them, i'm not really that self-important. The problem is, my dad is the opposite.
- Fights with everyone
- Extremely self important
- Massive, frail ego
- Will not take jokes (sees them as disrespect)


So in my ideal world, everyone gets along right? My parents, her parents, all the sibs, everyone. There is no ideal world if one person wants to fight everyone. And my dad brings out the worst in me. The absolute worst. And here is what scares me... this is what i tell my counselor.... when i'm around him... i act LIKE him. I dont yell and curse and fight anyone.... except for him. I haven't been in a physical altercation with anyone in years... except for my dad. shyt is unhealthy. We have a toxic relationship and i'm not bringing him to the center, he's making me more like him.

I've been having some pretty bad thoughts of what i want to do to him... I wont go there cuz its unhealthy. I gotta be better than that. Not for his sake, for my own and my future

Lol you sound like me and your pops sounds like my mom. She has a mental illness, not sure if your dad might have something going on that the fam just doesn't recognize.

Took me to about 14-15 to realize the way I was being treated and raised was not normal. I'm laidback too, I think it's innate but we also had to be that way to coexist with a parent who is always yelling and fighting with us. Two hotheads couldn't live together for 18 years and both make it out alive.

I keep my mom at a distance and it's easy since she's on the West Coast and I'm on the East Coast - looks like you live closer to your fam. Still you gotta cut toxic folks out your life man, even if it's your dad. He doesn't have the right to hurt you for decades just because he's your parent. Folks who had great parents wouldn't really understand.

 

[FcKuPaYmE]

fukked up vague as situation. In the future if/when she cheats on you..Throw up the fact you disowned your father for her.

 

[ReadOneBookAWeek]

repping everyone in this thread, it may take awhile cuz it keeps telling me to slow down.
I talked with my father yesterday. Although he apologized... tha'ts not enough.

When a man reaches his 60s... chances are he will never ever change. That's probably who he is till death

Need that rep deposited asap muddasucka

 

[Gold]

Good for you for taking the steps to heal. I think you should listen to your girl. Sounds like your father is very controlling. Him being at your wedding would only cause you stress and him not being invited may set him off and show up anyway which will be a whole scene. And if her family fined out that is a whole other issue. They will likely find out one day and that should not be the day.

If I were you, I'd do preventive maintenance. Go elope with your woman, making it about just you and her. Use the money you were going to use on the wedding and spend it on your honeymoon. Deal with the BS after your foundation is established. One issue at a time.

You're on the right path though. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can with the tools you have. Keep leveling up.

Thank you, i really appreciate this post.

Oddly enough we are meeting with a Minister today to see if we can just do the wedding on the low.
However, I REALLY dont wanna do this. I would punishing her family and my friends who cant wait to celebrate for the faults of my father. Her siblings are flying in, they can't wait, and then i gotta tell em "no wedding"

I feel like this is letting my dad win. Nah he needs a true L. A true 9ja L.

Getting beat up by your son is not an L for our people. You can just blame your son for being worthless or w/e.
But getting uninvited to your sons wedding...???? A 9ja man may kill himself over that shame.

My dad needs this L.

He NEEDS to feel this L.

 

[Gold]

fukked up vague as situation. In the future if/when she cheats on you..Throw up the fact you disowned your father for her.

This is the type of manipulation i dont want to engage in.

This aint how i want to live my life breh. I don't want to control other people. 2 rules i live my life by.

1. I will never stay somewhere I am not wanted
2. I will never force someone to be where they do not want to be

In the event my marriage fails (which seems to be TheColi's dream for some reason), then it fails, add me as a statistic

I'll be sure to make a thread and tag ya'll

 

[PrnzHakeem]

I wonder do our dads got PTSD from the Biafran war and taking it out on us

 

[Gold]

I wonder do our dads got PTSD from the Biafran war and taking it out on us

He lost 2 brothers in the war, got malaria and was shot. I'm sorry he went through all that.

but that doesn't have a single fukking thing to do with me

 

[Dorian Breh]

Breh just show up in person, uninvite him.

When he puffs his chest out how slap him with an open hand and leave. He ain't gonna do shyt, we both know that.

You don't need to stomp pops out w your timbs on to send the message that because of his behavior he a little homotional nikka to you now whose not worth a closed fist.

 

[Eternally Jaded]

I promise you he wasn't always like this.
I really don't know what changed him. I really dont know. He always had our diffrerences but he changed.

Well I do know part of what happened but I honestly cant explain it without giving so much background and info on my family that its just not worth it. I'm not trying to be mysterious, i'm just gonna put my whole family's business out there.

Well, i clearly just did in this thread but you know what i mean

All I can interpret from that is that whatever happened, it somewhat defined him from that point on.

You don't need to elaborate cuz that's not important.
What's important is not allowing this toxicity between y'all, to define you going forward.

That's the type of thing that becomes a generational curse.
You being on the verge of getting married, are at the best possible place to decide what family means to you.
Clean slate, and you can now empower your wife to be, to let you know when you're off course, and vice versa.
Pride isn't a strength, or even a weakness. It's only a picture that is shown outwardly.
Purpose is what's built with diamond grade strength.
Purpose, decided on by you and your lady, beyond "let's get married".
It sounds like your father is making pride his purpose, and that's not what family's supposed to be.

 

[Gold]

Lol you sound like me and your pops sounds like my mom. She has a mental illness, not sure if your dad might have something going on that the fam just doesn't recognize.

Took me to about 14-15 to realize the way I was being treated and raised was not normal. I'm laidback too, I think it's innate but we also had to be that way to coexist with a parent who is always yelling and fighting with us. Two hotheads couldn't live together for 18 years and both make it out alive.

I keep my mom at a distance and it's easy since she's on the West Coast and I'm on the East Coast - looks like you live closer to your fam. Still you gotta cut toxic folks out your life man, even if it's your dad. He doesn't have the right to hurt you for decades just because he's your parent. Folks who had great parents wouldn't really understand.

Exactly the same for me. I would be talking to my American friends telling them stories about my parents and they would look at me like

And i would look at them back like " .... doesn't everyone's parents beat them with a cane?"
And they would still be like ""
shyt i used to be proud of it, cuz my parents told us to be proud of it. Be proud that we were raised right with punishment unlike those Americans. Raised right... what a fukking joke.



If ya'll only knew how many Nigerians need counselling and therapy cuz of how their parents did them

 

[Gold]

Breh just show up in person, uninvite him.

When he puffs his chest out how slap him with an open hand and leave. He ain't gonna do shyt, we both know that.

You don't need to stomp pops out w your timbs on to send the message that because of his behavior he a little homotional nikka to you now whose not worth a closed fist.

I agree.

I uninvited him already. Other posters are saying he still gonna come.
Man i hope he doesn't. I might lose my shyt

 

[#1 pick]

This is what my counselor said.

I got really heated at that. I don't agree tbh. My mom gotta deal with this shyt 24/7. She probably given up

I disagree. Only mom can fix the situation. You are limited and he ain't in the right mental state to fix it. It has to be mom. Can't lie, me and my dad both major hot heads at times but what really puts things in the right place is my mom.

Your mom need the same heart that you are trying to develop and honestly, only she can fix it. You a man at the end of the day v. Another man. It's not as easy as talking words.

Otherwise I don't know how you fix this.

 

[Gold]

I disagree. Only mom can fix the situation. You are limited and he ain't in the right mental state to fix it. It has to be mom. Can't lie, me and my dad both major hot heads at times but what really puts things in the right place is my mom.

Your mom need the same heart that you are trying to develop and honestly, only she can fix it. You a man at the end of the day v. Another man. It's not as easy as talking words.

Otherwise I don't know how you fix this.

I love my mom, and she tries her best. And she is a very tough woman.
But my dad breaks people down, that's what he does. I feel you, i hear you, you are probably right. But my dad... that man...

Even his older brother, the eldest (my dad is 2nd), is afraid to go against him. Which is unusual in our culture as you know.
I cant put this on my mom.