Solutions on dealing with heartbreak?

[Macallik86]

I'm not gonna lie, I've had thoughts of popping up at the house with dude on some violent shyt. That would be me losing everything. And it's retarded, I'm not going out like that, one because absolutely nothing is worth throwing my life away, and I understand this in every other aspect of life. I've got three amazing, gorgeous daughters who have helped me grow tremendously and added immeasurable value to my life. I'd be the dumbest muhfukka who ever lived to run down on some kill or be killed shyt...

No one else addressed this, but I just want to reiterate how toxic and misdirected this thought process is.

Dude is probably the most logical and innocent person in this entire situation. He doesn't even know you. She pursued him, and offered him a spot, etc. Also, pretty much all the closure and context you have from the situation is thanks to him doing you a solid when he could've just ignored you for showing up at his job.

Lastly, you know how solid ole boy has to be to have a 45 minute convo with a dude that is on the outs tryina get in on the chick you're currently with? That whole scenario is hella confrontational and then you started hooting and hollering at her job after the fact.

You need to redirect that typa energy into physical activity of some sort (running, weight lifting, etc) and also stop listening to emotional songs (both romantic ones and also violent/despair ones) and focus on improving yourself. Lastly look into seeing a therapist to unpack your childhood trauma and unresolved dating issues.I think they have group sessions that are dirt cheap if you don't mind sharing in a public setting too btw. You've gotten some solid advice throughout the thread but it all pales in comparison to someone who is focused on all of your issues and has a much deeper understanding of what you've been through and checking in on your progress.

 

[O.T.I.S.]

I learned awhile ago that my bottom line mistrust of women comes from my mothers. As a child I was lied to, lied on, physically and verbally and emotionally abused by those women. What I've realized is that my adolescence created an image of women in my mind, who would only protect me when convenient. Who I could only confide in when convenient for them. Who would manipulate and deceive me. Would get violent with me. Who had conditional love.

That set a template that as I got into relationships as a man, I sought out the qualities my mothers have, because thru the cruelty they could be warm and comforting. They could wear a face that roped me in, and by the time I realized I was getting played, it was an ugly situation.

As an adult, women I'm not romantically interested in, I can see all the warning signs from gate. When I'm romantically into someone, there's a blind spot I have that blocks my ability to see the tells initially. By the time I am able to see them, I'm already invested in that woman and I struggle with de-attaching. It's a weakness and it relates to my inability to deattach from my mothers when I wasn't of an age I could, and easily forgiving them and keeping them in my life since I've been of age to let them go...

I'm aware of where my trauma comes from. I just don't know how to fix it. But I want to fix it...



I would too, but I don't think he will. And yes as of this moment I hope he does because I want her to have that egg on her face, selfishly...

But he and I spoke for 45 minutes and I get the sense that, for better or worse, we have some commonalities. He's 34 with no kids. The woman who just dropped him isn't his legal wife but they were together for awhile. He's rebounding with old girl too but also hoping it works out, he'd say in one breath "I don't love her, it ain't serious" but then said about three different times "I do like her". He's gotten attached to her kids, including my daughter, said his ex had kids as well...

Can't prove this but I get the feeling he's a couch surfer...

But watching his reactions and body language at different parts of the conversation, I'd bet he isn't going anywhere. And for me, I have to think that he's not going anywhere because that's helping fuel my healing. But just talking about his speech and reactions, the idea I have is he'll "contemplate" leaving but won't and because I know she's gonna sell me as the nut BD and he's an upgrade, she moving on, he's the type brother that can be convinced to stay...

Which is the similarity with me. He can see the red flags. I saw some early on. I'm sure he's seen one or two aside from thos thing with me and her. And I guess because that's how I've been I feel like it's easy for me to identify that in other men. Could be totally wrong and he might be the kinda guy who just doesn't wear his emotions on his sleeve, but he doesn't give off the type a brother who is like "nah I ain't with this shyt"...

He's in there and I've accepted it, her life will go the way it needs to whether he the forever guy or not. But I'm approaching it from yesterday forward as she's in a new relationship (even though he said they aren't) and yes, many of you told me to have this outlook from jump. Better late than never. I have it now and having that outlook now is fueling my emotional healing...



I have helped make this situation first but the lack of accountability on this woman annoys me...

With everything on the table, what's been revealed is that most likely, me leaving was the "reason" she was looking for to validate the new guy. That thing in whatever form has been going on. Me leaving isn't what created the situation---->her petulance and gold digging created it...

I didn't make it better, nah. Agree with that. I disagree that I accomplished nothing, though. At some point I had to look after Rodney. Nobody else was, she wasn't. And again, some of you brothers in here are far more skilled at navigating turbulent situations with women...

It's a weakness I have and I'm not ashamed to admit it's a weakness. The same way I see dozens of posts on here weakly from brothers who struggle in other aspects of life that aren't difficult for me at all. We can't be great at everything. I'm not great in turbulence with women. It's the greatest weakness I have that I'm desperately trying to improve, and I think I am. It's gradual. But it's showing...

So for Rodney, BECAUSE I'm weak I'm navigating chaos with women. I needed everything put there pm the table! And honestly, here a day later, I think this will serve me extremely well going forward, I have confidence I've graduated this step (that I won't need to push for every detail to know how I should respond). As of today I feel I got it, it's small progress...

But as of yesterday, and the last 2 months? I needed to look out for Rodney abd that meant going hard to find out the truth with NO guess work, eliminate every hypothetical. This helped me. fukk what it did for them or not. It helped me...

Wait, i think I need to read the whole thread…


So she has other kids not just yours? And she was tripping on you about money? Then began to step out when she wasn’t satisfied with the money? Then had a new nikka move in under the disguise of money?

And he is a couch surfer. He’s a grown man moving in with a chick who has a whole relationship issue and fukking kids… either he a scammer or extra desperate. He aint got no family, no other friends? Would you move in with a chick you barely knew if you had other options or people to rely on? How long they been “friends” to even let a nikka move in. How did she even think this would be a genuinely good idea?

And she has KIDS. That screams red flag from the highest point on earth. You can’t know a person completely in a matter of months, but to MOVE that nikka in? What the background check look like? My ex was an in home caretaker.. I’ve literally seen old ass predators sexually assault females WHILE I WAS THERE .. all because no one bothered to check that nikkas history.

I can’t predict the future but I know patterns.. i dont even think I’ve actually seen someone stupid enough to do this in my real life

 

[O.T.I.S.]

Protect your kids bruh

Idc how good of a mother you, her, or the planet think she is. Moving in a random nikka in a matter of months is some wild shyt, roommate, boyfriend, whatever.

 

[Uchiha God]

Today started off rough bit got better as the day went on. I'm going thru these dramatic emotional swings where I run from heavy anger and sadness and wanting to act like a dumb ass and hurt someone, to confidence that I'm overpowering this sadness and depression responsibly...

These emotional swings are working me the fukk out...

I miss her. I love her. Inexplicably, as of this moment, I still want her back and hope for reconciliation...

But, I've accepted that it's over and that I have to move on I've accepted it. The moving on part is grueling, it's working me the fukk out everyday, bit I'm progressing. I just haven't gone a full 24 yet of feeling that assurance I'm moving on, bit there's progress. I've accepted it...

I’ll keep coming back to this thread periodically to remind you it’s OK to be in pai and that’s the process. Your emotions will fluctuate wildly. Trivial things will remind you over her, food, tv shows, music, shyt sometimes even sentences/phrases/expressions. Just try to keep yourself centered.

My dawg was with his girl since they were kids like +15 years. When she decided to jump out it took a bit of that nikka’s soul away. Personality changed from extrovert to a more reserved breh and it took him like +3 years to get over it/move on. Can you imagine being with the same person all your life since you were like 14 and then she just quits on you? Legit took that nikka years to get back to a semblance of what he used to be. He straight now though, even laughs about the shyt now - but says he’ll never date seriously again.

My last serious breakup messed up with my chakra system as well. I remember my brother came to stay with me for a while not long after it happened and I gave him a spare key - one day I was in the living room playing video games and heard the door open and out of habit my mind thought it was her and I lit up like a puppy then 3 seconds later I remembered

I think as men it hurts harder and lingers for longer because of egos and how we navigate life - doubly so for black men.

Like I said before, you’re fresh into the recovery process so you’re going to have really hopeful days where it seems like you’re over it and the world is your oyster, then the very next day you’ll feel like you can’t breathe without her and you just want to make it right.

It’s over. Just trust the process and keep pushing forward, you’ll be aight long-term

 

[J.E.T.S]

Protect your kids bruh

Idc how good of a mother you, her, or the planet think she is. Moving in a random nikka in a matter of months is some wild shyt, roommate, boyfriend, whatever.

They’ve BEEN fukking. Probably been met his kids too. I doubt he “just moved in”. She enjoyed that meat so much that she needed him in-house.

OP stop wasting your energy worrying about this bytch.

Most of us have been through similar situations. Let bruh have her… she’ll be back single in a year or less.

 

[MikelArteta]

Today started off rough bit got better as the day went on. I'm going thru these dramatic emotional swings where I run from heavy anger and sadness and wanting to act like a dumb ass and hurt someone, to confidence that I'm overpowering this sadness and depression responsibly...

These emotional swings are working me the fukk out...

I miss her. I love her. Inexplicably, as of this moment, I still want her back and hope for reconciliation...

But, I've accepted that it's over and that I have to move on I've accepted it. The moving on part is grueling, it's working me the fukk out everyday, bit I'm progressing. I just haven't gone a full 24 yet of feeling that assurance I'm moving on, bit there's progress. I've accepted it...

Hope dies last, keep pushing breh
better to post in here before you do something or say something you might regret.

I'll always remember reading this somewhere the best thing you can do is NOTHING

 

[murksiderock]

I'm gonna double back in here shortly to some of the other posts, but a brief update...

It was a rough week------>but I can feel a corner about to be turned, in reference to moving on. I didn't feel this a week ago. I didn't feel it two days ago...

I don't love her any less as of yet. I still spend more time thinking about this whole bullshyt than I'm comfortable admitting...

But a new switch was flipped, I'm not yet at the final stage of grief, the stage where you're almost out of it. Not quite there yet, but something emotional was crossed today. In a positive sense! Can't acutely describe it yet but I'm getting closer, all this rough shyt this week has led me to a place that is closer to feeling like myself than I've felt in a month...

I'm closer yall and I appreciate all yhe therapy everyone in here offered! I truly needed it!!

 

[Yagirlcheatinonus]

Don’t watch those relationship coaches on YouTube

 

[Yagirlcheatinonus]

Excercise
Don’t sit still
Give yourself purpose

 

[murksiderock]

Wait, i think I need to read the whole thread…


So she has other kids not just yours? And she was tripping on you about money? Then began to step out when she wasn’t satisfied with the money? Then had a new nikka move in under the disguise of money?

And he is a couch surfer. He’s a grown man moving in with a chick who has a whole relationship issue and fukking kids… either he a scammer or extra desperate. He aint got no family, no other friends? Would you move in with a chick you barely knew if you had other options or people to rely on? How long they been “friends” to even let a nikka move in. How did she even think this would be a genuinely good idea?

And she has KIDS. That screams red flag from the highest point on earth. You can’t know a person completely in a matter of months, but to MOVE that nikka in? What the background check look like? My ex was an in home caretaker.. I’ve literally seen old ass predators sexually assault females WHILE I WAS THERE .. all because no one bothered to check that nikkas history.

I can’t predict the future but I know patterns.. i dont even think I’ve actually seen someone stupid enough to do this in my real life

You read all this correct. My interactions with homie have revealed they started this fling right under my nose whole I was gone in November to December. Let's say it started December 1. It took him 2 months to move in...

I'm trying to wean myself off thinking too much about the brother. My dislike of him isn't even for him, it's an ego trip that another man hitting that good shyt I thought was mine, another man is claiming a woman I thought was mine. And I understand that. It's not even him I dislike...

He and I have had two interactions, like I said the last one was 45 minutes and that mutual acquaintance I've spoken on upthread, also gave me some insight into him...

He does sound like a couch surfer. And the sense I get, I mentioned upthread he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would separate himself from a woman showcasing this kind of drama---->and I said this because that's the kind of guy I've been, to this point in my life. It's like when you meet fellas you share commonalities with, you can often identify it in short order...

I've been this guy, chick shows glaring red signs and drama early, and I don't disassociate. I know what it looks like on another man because I am That Guy (trying to kill that part of myself as we speak). We talked for 45 minutes. There's always a chance I'm wrong on this, but I'm pretty sure I have this right...

So he's a couch surfer, and a guy who falls hard and early for a woman. I think there is a little desperation, he asked another guy if he could move in before my BM took him in. I doubt he has zero options. I think he took the easiest route and in the process fell for homegirl...

Where we differ is it took me until 7 months into our relationship for me to move in with her. She was pressing for it early, about 1½ to 2 months in. So I coulda ran in there as quickly as I want3d to...

I also get the sense, while fam doesn't have any children, that he has a bit if a chaotic background himself. To what degree, don't know, but we know this: he doesn't have a stable living situation. He doesn't make a lot of money. He's 34 years old...

Again, I'm a dysfunctional person, trying to kill that shyt in me, but being honest, I'm dysfunctional. I can see it on someone else. He has baggage. And I spoke upthread on the 5 guys homegirl has had around her 6 and 7 year old sons:

The boys' father---->her high school sweetheart---->the guy before me---->and me. Four dysfunctional men. Not everyone of us have the same issues or threads of dysfunction. But all four of us have serious baggage...

The chances this woman lucked into a brother with no baggage are slim to none. Again SHE is a dysfunctional woman too. My experience has been chaotic, irresponsible people attract each other, I think I'm an expert on this . Not just the mothers of my children, but the women I dated befire them...

So he's a couch surfer. Falls hard. There's a bit of desperation but highly unlikely that he doesn't have any options, he just went with the woman giving the p*ssy and place to stay. Doesn't have a stable living situation, and doesn't have money. And oh yeah, he's fresh out of his own woman situation and right back into another. Didn't even give the shyt time to breathe or recover. shyt I don't even know if his situation is finished, but let's assume it is. His wife JUST put him out in December. February 1 he slid in with BM...

Like I said bruh, I'm a dysfunctional male with a fukking thesaurus worth of poor choices. I know these nikkas when I see em. These are things I KNOW about dude...

We the same age, I'm 33, and when I compare myself to him, I feel better about myself. Two things I've never been, are a couch surfer nor rushing to move in with a woman. I've been broke but it's been awhile, it's clear he and I are playing in different spaces financially...

I would never put the potential pedo label on any man. But what I will say is this, the woman we talking about, isn't the greatest vetter of men, and yes moving a guy into the crib so soon says a ton about her judgement and decision making---->as does his decision to run straight from a failed relationship with one woman, into another woman...

I've spent more time thinking about dude than I should. At the same time, contextualizing what I do know about fam is helping me heal, in small part. He might be the man for her for all I know, and I'm okay with it. Reaching that point of being okay. But as a man, he don't hustle like me, he doesnt have kids so there's an entire fukking dynamic that being a father brings to your life that he has no parallel for---->I wasn't always a father. Then I became one. When nikkas say having kids changes your life, it's real shyt...

I fukk good and I fukked her good, one issue we've never had is sex, so I'm not lacking there. There's always other brothers who can put it down and maybe turn her on differently, but the chances this nikka is a different level dikk thrower than me aren't great, so that's not something he has over me...

But like I said. I can help but think of him because of my love and attachment to this woman. So I'm doing so less. And he seems like a good guy. But he has plenty of his own baggage and I know it because I'm a gotdamn airport luggage trailer . Contextualizing what I do know about him is helping heal me for sure, as weird as that sounds...

 

[Yagirlcheatinonus]

Yo you stressing out first off count your blessings and thank God you able to walk away. Next just focus on you improve you all over mentally physically financially. A lot of women think the grass greener it’s normally not. I know it hurt right now cuz you miss the sex I bet but bruh shake out of that.

Check out dude channel

 

[murksiderock]

No one else addressed this, but I just want to reiterate how toxic and misdirected this thought process is.

Dude is probably the most logical and innocent person in this entire situation. He doesn't even know you. She pursued him, and offered him a spot, etc. Also, pretty much all the closure and context you have from the situation is thanks to him doing you a solid when he could've just ignored you for showing up at his job.

Lastly, you know how solid ole boy has to be to have a 45 minute convo with a dude that is on the outs tryina get in on the chick you're currently with? That whole scenario is hella confrontational and then you started hooting and hollering at her job after the fact.

You need to redirect that typa energy into physical activity of some sort (running, weight lifting, etc) and also stop listening to emotional songs (both romantic ones and also violent/despair ones) and focus on improving yourself. Lastly look into seeing a therapist to unpack your childhood trauma and unresolved dating issues.I think they have group sessions that are dirt cheap if you don't mind sharing in a public setting too btw. You've gotten some solid advice throughout the thread but it all pales in comparison to someone who is focused on all of your issues and has a much deeper understanding of what you've been through and checking in on your progress.

Just want to say this is and I'm with you, I was outta pocket. I own it...

Thank you, g!

I’ll keep coming back to this thread periodically to remind you it’s OK to be in pai and that’s the process. Your emotions will fluctuate wildly. Trivial things will remind you over her, food, tv shows, music, shyt sometimes even sentences/phrases/expressions. Just try to keep yourself centered.

My dawg was with his girl since they were kids like +15 years. When she decided to jump out it took a bit of that nikka’s soul away. Personality changed from extrovert to a more reserved breh and it took him like +3 years to get over it/move on. Can you imagine being with the same person all your life since you were like 14 and then she just quits on you? Legit took that nikka years to get back to a semblance of what he used to be. He straight now though, even laughs about the shyt now - but says he’ll never date seriously again.

My last serious breakup messed up with my chakra system as well. I remember my brother came to stay with me for a while not long after it happened and I gave him a spare key - one day I was in the living room playing video games and heard the door open and out of habit my mind thought it was her and I lit up like a puppy then 3 seconds later I remembered

I think as men it hurts harder and lingers for longer because of egos and how we navigate life - doubly so for black men.

Like I said before, you’re fresh into the recovery process so you’re going to have really hopeful days where it seems like you’re over it and the world is your oyster, then the very next day you’ll feel like you can’t breathe without her and you just want to make it right.

It’s over. Just trust the process and keep pushing forward, you’ll be aight long-term

You know what bro? I feel like, while I'm early in the healing process and I'll probably still have emotions for her for awhile, I really don't think this will take that long...

Something switched on in me today. Not the, now I'm over her switch. It's hard to describe. We spoke a couple times today, once this morning, once this afternoon...

And something clicked. Like playing a game or something, I advanced to the next stage of managing grief. It's a confidence builder, it was definitely a positive switch...

Today is March 17. I knew something was going on, all the bread crumbs were there, but I didn't positively find out about dude until February 19. In my suspicions before February 19, I was alright. I was experiencing the first phase of heartache because I just knew something wasn't right. February 19 broke something inside of me, not irreparably, but something shattered in me and made the next 26 days emotional fukking hell, and I didn't handle it correctly at several stages...

When I look back on people I've known who dealt with bad breakups or depression, I think I'm crossing these stages early. 26 days. Not quite 4 weeks. A milestone was hit today, not the biggest one. I'm still in pain. But if any of you brothers care to share the progression of growing thru your grief, I'd be interested to know. Bevause I'm mapping mine...

I earned an advancement to the next stage today, not moving backwards, I'm advancing. As I get ready to lay down I feel really good about myself. Not some of the choices I've made the last 26 days. But I'm turning a corner. I know I'll have some sweat it out days coming up. But something happened for me today and I'm honestly excited as fukk. Less than a month into when I lost my marbles, I'm advancing. Can't wait to see where I am at the 2 month point. This summer I anticipate being in a truly healed and healthy place. This won't be a long thing...

I am concerned that I won't be able to date seriously, and I'll work on tempering that. Because I do want to love, I want to be loved, I want one woman to live my life out with. So once I clear this chapter of my life, I'm going to have to make sure I don't wall myself off from the woman who is meant for me, when she does appear...

They’ve BEEN fukking. Probably been met his kids too. I doubt he “just moved in”. She enjoyed that meat so much that she needed him in-house.

OP stop wasting your energy worrying about this bytch.

Most of us have been through similar situations. Let bruh have her… she’ll be back single in a year or less.

100% appreciate you my nikka...

Don’t watch those relationship coaches on YouTube

Not doing it

 

[Yagirlcheatinonus]

When this situation with dude over and you been working on yourself don’t take her back. Value and love yourself homie. Get yourself together and start documenting I would take her to court and get custody of my kids.

 

[murksiderock]

Let me say this too, for brothers who wonder why I speak so transparently, brothers who are tired of me bytching, etc...

Putting my thoughts on here is therapy for me. This is my diary. Anonymous faces with no incentive to go light on how I feel, nor be overly judgemental. I don't have many people I trust in my life, but to the extent I do, we know people who really care for you may be the worst ones to emotionally support you---->may tiptoe around your feelings for fear of your reaction, or may go too hard on you and by not reading the room can push you into a further spiral if you needed more sensitivity...

On here, I get the thoughts of all respondents regardless. No one incentivitized to tell me what I wanna hear, or push too hard. And because I don't have a large circle of people close to me, putting my thoughts and progress out on here is part of my healing...

I'm not ashamed of who I am. I wish I'd done some things differently, that certainly extends beyond this shyt, but I am who I am and being self-aware is helping me grow the fukk up to the man I want to become...

And maybe by sharing my journey, for brothers less vocal on here, I can inspire confidence or change within your own situations...

I appreciate all you guys. From the bottom of my heart. This thread is helping me and I appreciate everyone's contributions!

 

[Yagirlcheatinonus]

She work in a call center? if so they screwing that’s what they do in them type jobs.