Coli Breh that have had kid(s) with your girl and maintained the relationship..whats the secret??

[Elle Seven]

I'm saying. Having a kid sounds completely miserable for everybody involved.

It does not have to be.

It helps to look at it as a completely new chapter of your life beginning, and, so, there is an uncomfortable adjustment period, just like in all areas of life when you step into the unfamiliar.

The issues seem to arise when one still has the expectation his/her life is going to doing exactly the same way as it did before the child(ren) arrived.

Transitioning into a parent is literally you leaving all of your own childlike behavior behind, fully becoming an adult and moving out of the way to now take care of a real child - someone who possesses no ability to take care of him/herself.

It need not be miserable at all...uncomfortsble as you get into the new role, sure, but it can make you feel proud and driven to be and do your best because this little life is watching and depending on you.

If you are still keen on doing and thinking the same ways you were before becoming a parent though, not having grasped your life (rightfully) completely changes when you create a life you are 100% responsible for protecting and nurturing, then this sort of frustration is likely to happen.

If anything, it's an opportunity for immense personal and spiritual growth. Raising a kid is the only experience I can readily think of where, when you are doing it sincerely, you aren't looking to get anything back for it for yourself. You give endless unconditional love and support only with the intention your baby grows up to be healthy and successful...

It is not the same dynamic as we normally have in romantic relationships where we are giving to our partners in exchange for and with the expectation of something else. Perhaps that's what seemingly causes so much of the misunderstandings when the changes come because one was never practiced in knowing how to put someone first before.

 

[Orange cream shake]

I gotta a question an it's real no trolling

Knowing that you lost your sex drive, would you let him fukk other chicks?? Just sex no tricking on them or none of that

Nah we still getting it in. My vagina still work.

 

[Marzupial]

We're men, the leaders and head of the women. If he didn't do the due diligence on figuring out on how much of a malcontent his women is why should he skate on the blame?

Looks like you don't understand how hormones work

It's like dudes whiteout testosterone that start juicing

They just change, your vetting means nothing at that point

 

[Atlrocafella]

No kid gang

we only getting rich women pregnant

 

[colicolicoli]

This thread is terrifying.

I’m going to lose my sex drive, become bitter and nagging, he’s not going to understand even if he’s the most understanding person ever is either going want to dip or cheat.

I’m taking my BC faithfully

 

[number21]

Looks like you don't understand how hormones work

It's like dudes whiteout testosterone that start juicing

They just change, your vetting means nothing at that point

When did I say they don't change? My point is about if she does a complete 180 into being complete and total malcontent out of nowhere, it means he didn't spend enough time to see the signs of this happening. That's all breh.

 

[Elle Seven]

You sound bitter. Remember, woman don't HAVE to get pregnant.

But i agree men could be more empathetic. That doesn't mean they should be VILLIFIED for wanting intercourse. I literally didn't have sex for 2 years with my wife after our first child, then 3 years after our second child. Not fun

Where did I assert a man is villainous for his biological desire to have sex? Please expound, if you please...or are you interpreting "disconnected" as synonymous for that here?

As far as my being bitter....that was unexpected lol...again, I implore you to please explain. I've gone thru pregnancy and given birth twice and was fortunate enough to not have complications in either case, but I am interested in hearing your interpretation of how I come across as you have described.

 

[johntheblackjew]

I made this thread last night and went to sleep..whoa..lots of responses

I just want to clarify a few things.

1. I'm a year older than her
2. The reason I mentioned the sex thing, especially her comment, was because to me its telling. She just found out she was pregnant, so I'm not gonna say it's the hormones from the pregnancy that caused her to say it...to me what it came down to was an audible realization of "phew, now that I'm pregnant with his kid and know he'll be linked with me for2ver, I dont have to keep up this charade of being the cool girlfriend anymore". Its pretty apparent to me that's what happened.
This is a girl who the entirety of our dating we would chill at home playing video games together and in general just lowkey...the minute she became pregnant, all of a sudden she doesnt want to do any of those things and infact would nag me constantly if let's say theres a down time (not ignorjng the kid or anything) and I'm playing a game or doing one of my other hobbies(making beats). She used to love those things. I just felt like women know how to make you feel like they are one of the bros when they're trying to tie you down and the minute they realize they have a kid with you now, they dont have to keep that up anymore.

Again, I spoke to quite a few older cats that went through the same thing and that's all they tell me too...they always switch up once kid comes and they realize they can drop the act and just be what is essentially their true self. It just seems so much more common with a lot of relationships I'm seeing and guys I'm talking to for it to be happenstancs


3. I dont have any plans on not being with my kid...I gotta girl, I'll be damned if shes exposed to another man and all the risks that comes with it...that's why I made this thread, so I can understand how to make things work and just know theres some type of hope...because I feel pretty hopeless right now.

Again, on some level I feel duped....cuz I thought I was gonna end up with my best friend and raise a kid and now it's more like that nagging and never satisfied "mom"


I love her and definitely love my daughter, all I have to do is readjust my expectations to what we have now.


4. I already see some pointers in this thread on what I can do to work through our issues...and i really appreciate that.

 

[GoldenGlove]

For my coli brehs

3. If you didnt go through that with your lady, what was the key to making that happen?

Been married for 7 years, will be 8 in Oct. 2020... we started dating in like 2005 or 2006. Compatibility was always on point sexually. From the jump, never was an issue and never has been throughout the time we been together. The stuff we just did this weekend brehs...


anyway...

We had our first child in 2017, she'll be 3 in March. The frequency for sessions slowed down after a kid for sure, but it's not ever a chore when it's that time. If anything, we be on the same page, before our last session I texted her a link to a flick and was like, "Later", she replies, "Oh really"...

"Yes"


I was in my office, and she was in the living room with the toddler, but that's all she needed to see to say to herself, "I'm putting this lil rugrat to bed at a decent hour cause I'm fukkin' tonight"

Honestly, I don't think there's a blueprint or a secret key to make a relationship work. It ultimately comes down to the personal connection and synergy that you have with one another. It comes down to what you're willing to compromise and what your partner is. Understanding each other comes from time and conversation. I can talk to my wife about anything. And she can do the same. We legit talk about whatever, there's nothing off limits. And having that for damn near 15 years is invaluable.

I'll ask you this, does your woman want to be married? Is that a conversation you've had? A lot of animosity could be her wanting that ring now that you've started a family. You have to put yourself in her shoes. She had your baby, moved in with you, now she could be feeling some type of way since it's been damn near a year and you still ain't proposed



I'm just saying, it's all in how well you know your partner. She might be focused all on that baby now, cause yal are still just "dating" and she's still your "girlfriend" and not your "fiance" so she's holding back now.

 

[Marzupial]

2. The reason I mentioned the sex thing, especially her comment, was because to me its telling. She just found out she was pregnant, so I'm not gonna say it's the hormones from the pregnancy that caused her to say it...to me what it came down to was an audible realization of "phew, now that I'm pregnant with his kid and know he'll be linked with me for2ver, I dont have to keep up this charade of being the cool girlfriend anymore". Its pretty apparent to me that's what happened.
This is a girl who the entirety of our dating we would chill at home playing video games together and in general just lowkey...the minute she became pregnant, all of a sudden she doesnt want to do any of those things and infact would nag me constantly if let's say theres a down time (not ignorjng the kid or anything) and I'm playing a game or doing one of my other hobbies(making beats). She used to love those things. I just felt like women know how to make you feel like they are one of the bros when they're trying to tie you down and the minute they realize they have a kid with you now, they dont have to keep that up anymore.

Again, I spoke to quite a few older cats that went through the same thing and that's all they tell me too...they always switch up once kid comes and they realize they can drop the act and just be what is essentially their true self. It just seems so much more common with a lot of relationships I'm seeing and guys I'm talking to for it to be happenstancs

Cold blooded

But I still think it's an hormones thing, don't think she would be able to do that counciously without you noticing

 

[Elle Seven]

this is not about having sex for me(which we’ve probably about 5-6 times since my guy got here. I ain’t tripping, I’ll get my nut the old fashion way

this is about the moody, meanness, always attitude, nagging shyt. I’m not tripping on the sex right now, I don’t run the streets, I go to work and come home, we do a bunch of family stuff together and every day it’s still ugliness coming from her that I hate. shyt has you walking on egg shells in your own home cause you don’t which person you gonna get

I understand what you are saying here, and, honestly, it does sound like a personal hell you are living if this is your daily norm.

Let me ask you this - is it possible she has postpartum depression? Does she have any other female support in her life, someone around her who can help her understand or work thru what she's experiencing?

I ask not to make an excuse for her changes but in order to first rule everything else out first.

Y'all are still in a transitional period, it sounds like to me, but I think there would be nothing wrong with honestly asking her at this time, point blank, "What kind of support do you need from me?"

Before I am accused of promoting simping lol, let me explain.

I am someone who finds great mental/emotional safety in using logic, analysis and directness. Thus, I get very anxious when having to deal with those who are always speaking or acting from an emotional place.

My own mother is an example of this and I find it difficult dealing with her at times. She is someone who often expects others to make allowances for her irrational behavior but is not apt to lend the same grace when she finds herself on the receiving end.

Thus, I know somewhat what it is like, at the very minimum, to walk into a space with someone and not know what to expect - moreso if the person always has a reason for why s/he is doing something which may hurt you but requires you be unwavering and infinite in your understanding.

It especially sucks when it comes from someone with whom you may sincerely want to be close, too, but you start not to trust them because they are being, what I call, emotionally reckless.

That said, when she and others like her who I've experienced in my life start leaning toward (what seems to me) as completely emotional and irrational behavior, I'll usually settle myself first and then come to them in a moment of calm and simply ask either,

"What do you want?"

Or

"What would make you happy?"

To make it easier, sometimes I'll pose the question like this - "Fill in the blank - blah blah blah is what I need/want/would make me happy."

What I usually find is, even when I take away all pretenses and ask that question directly and in earnest, they still are incapable of giving a clear or direct answer. It is amazing, annoying and revealing.

It shows me they do not necessarily even understand what they need or want themselves, even if they are aware of the discomfort of whatever it is they are experiencing. Whenever they try to rekindle the argument of how they feel, I continue to pose the question only.

Taking this approach protects me from giving away a lot of my own mental/emotional energy, it shuts down any potential arguments because I'm showing I won't participate, and, most of all, it forces the person with the complaint to really hear you and contemplate what you are asking. You love them and, at the same time, you love yourself and have to operate as such.

When it comes to dealing with someone who is only primarily acting from emotion, I've never had success getting them to see me or my needs without getting them to look at themselves first.

In the end, I'm sure you'll ultimately try what you think is best. I just wanted to say, coming off pregnancy or not, the average person doesn't seem to have been taught/given the emotional tools to deal with their own feelings or the feelings of others. So, I just try to simplify it as much as possible by asking simple questions to get to the crux of the issue.

 

[GnauzBookOfRhymes]

Breh it’s only been 10 months. You didn’t mention it but how do you guys apportion responsibilities for the baby? Is she stay at home mom? Do you guys have help from family? Do you help out with the baby?

 

[johntheblackjew]

Been married for 7 years, will be 8 in Oct. 2020... we started dating in like 2005 or 2006. Compatibility was always on point sexually. From the jump, never was an issue and never has been throughout the time we been together. The stuff we just did this weekend brehs...


anyway...

We had our first child in 2017, she'll be 3 in March. The frequency for sessions slowed down after a kid for sure, but it's not ever a chore when it's that time. If anything, we be on the same page, before our last session I texted her a link to a flick and was like, "Later", she replies, "Oh really"...

"Yes"


I was in my office, and she was in the living room with the toddler, but that's all she needed to see to say to herself, "I'm putting this lil rugrat to bed at a decent hour cause I'm fukkin' tonight"

Honestly, I don't think there's a blueprint or a secret key to make a relationship work. It ultimately comes down to the personal connection and synergy that you have with one another. It comes down to what you're willing to compromise and what your partner is. Understanding each other comes from time and conversation. I can talk to my wife about anything. And she can do the same. We legit talk about whatever, there's nothing off limits. And having that for damn near 15 years is invaluable.

I'll ask you this, does your woman want to be married? Is that a conversation you've had? A lot of animosity could be her wanting that ring now that you've started a family. You have to put yourself in her shoes. She had your baby, moved in with you, now she could be feeling some type of way since it's been damn near a year and you still ain't proposed



I'm just saying, it's all in how well you know your partner. She might be focused all on that baby now, cause yal are still just "dating" and she's still your "girlfriend" and not your "fiance" so she's holding back now.

Damn, bro...u got that shyt that I envy atm.
Lol

We arent married....but now I'm sitting here thinking if shes acting like this when we have a kid, how is she gonna be when we get married and shes legally binded to me

It really scares me to even explore that now...what part of her true character comes out when that happens


I'm legit even having paranoid thoughts that she may not even have cared about me and just wanted a kid out of me and place to stay or some crazy shyt like that.

We live together but I pay for everything pretty much...the only thing she pays for is the cable bill and occasionally buy food. So it's not about providing cuz I provide for her and the kid.


As to the other question regarding child rearing, her retired mom moved in with us when she gave birth, so she takes care of the kid monday to friday and leaves fke the weekend. Shes of african descent so that's part of the culture for grandparents to come and help.So realistically it's not like we are physically tired 24/7 from taking care of the kid..perhaps it's more psychological exhaustion(?).


I think in general I'm just shell shocked lol...but now after reading the comment from some of the women on here I'm feeling like I dont even have the right to feel any type of way...I'm just supposed to suck it up and deal with whatever I may be feeling.

 

[Ineedmoney504]

I understand what you are saying here, and, honestly, it does sound like a personal hell you are living if this is your daily norm.

Let me ask you this - is it possible she has postpartum depression? Does she have any other female support in her life, someone around her who can help her understand or work thru what she's experiencing?

I ask not to make an excuse for her changes but in order to first rule everything else out first.

Y'all are still in a transitional period, it sounds like to me, but I think there would be nothing wrong with honestly asking her at this time, point blank, "What kind of support do you need from me?"

Before I am accused of promoting simping lol, let me explain.

I am someone who finds great mental/emotional safety in using logic, analysis and directness. Thus, I get very anxious when having to deal with those who are always speaking or acting from an emotional place.

My own mother is an example of this and I find it difficult dealing with her at times. She is someone who often expects others to make allowances for her irrational behavior but is not apt to lend the same grace when she finds herself on the receiving end.

Thus, I know somewhat what it is like, at the very minimum, to walk into a space with someone and not know what to expect - moreso if the person always has a reason for why s/he is doing something which may hurt you but requires you be unwavering and infinite in your understanding.

It especially sucks when it comes from someone with whom you may sincerely want to be close, too, but you start not to trust them because they are being, what I call, emotionally reckless.

That said, when she and others like her who I've experienced in my life start leaning toward (what seems to me) as completely emotional and irrational behavior, I'll usually settle myself first and then come to them in a moment of calm and simply ask either,

"What do you want?"

Or

"What would make you happy?"

To make it easier, sometimes I'll pose the question like this - "Fill in the blank - blah blah blah is what I need/want/would make me happy."

What I usually find is, even when I take away all pretenses and ask that question directly and in earnest, they still are incapable of giving a clear or direct answer. It is amazing, annoying and revealing.

It shows me they do not necessarily even understand what they need or want themselves, even if they are aware of the discomfort of whatever it is they are experiencing. Whenever they try to rekindle the argument of how they feel, I continue to pose the question only.

Taking this approach protects me from giving away a lot of my own mental/emotional energy, it shuts down any potential arguments because I'm showing I won't participate, and, most of all, it forces the person with the complaint to really hear you and contemplate what you are asking. You love them and, at the same time, you love yourself and have to operate as such.

When it comes to dealing with someone who is only primarily acting from emotion, I've never had success getting them to see me or my needs without getting them to look at themselves first.

In the end, I'm sure you'll ultimately try what you think is best. I just wanted to say, coming off pregnancy or not, the average person doesn't seem to have been taught/given the emotional tools to deal with their own feelings or the feelings of others. So, I just try to simplify it as much as possible by asking simple questions to get to the crux of the issue.

Dope reply. She doesn’t have the normal female support you would want from a first time mother(her and her mom don’t have good relationship, her and her grams not that close, my mom has passed away) so I take into account that. But she had friends and some she consider her sisters and my sisters who she is also close to who all have kids. her and my grams have a decent relationship but they don’t go deep on a personal like that so that could be a issue. But for the most part it isn’t much help, which we didn’t really want anyway

and I wouldn’t say it totally hell, she’s a great woman, still cooks as much as she can, works about 10 hours a week, I try to give her a break to herself as much as possible just so she can get her piece.

what makes me frustrated is that the reason she get mad are so stupid, stuff like “can you go grab him a onesie out his draw” I got get it and it’s not the one she wants and now she has a attitude.

for instance last night I was running some bath water for him and she usually gives the baby a bath with her first before she starts bathing and I was running the water, she came in touched them water and said it was to hot. But I know it wasn’t to hot, “I said nah it should be good” she turns he handle a lil bit and then puts it back to the exact spot I had it. I say jokingly “ you just put it exactly where I had” she get mad and says “says listen to me sometimes” and walks around mad for the rest of the night

And I hate negative ebetgu around, but I ignored it like I do 95% of the time

 

[Kenwins01]

Personally maybe it’s cause I’m paranoid but once I see a woman do some cold blooded sh1t I usually back all the way off.

it could be her being rude to someone unnecessarily
Showing disregard to the welfare of others, lacking sympathy.
Never insisting on paying when we go out places. Always expecting me to pay, yet rarely does anything out of her own volition for me...I.e cook etc.

most guys ignore these things because they think well, she’s good to me. We fucck whenever. That’s what matters. But there’s been many women I’ve met in my life that I just knew, if I fucck around and get her pregnant that would be bad move.

my advice to OP, u need to stand your ground. Stop that lovey dovey sh1t and whenever she acts dumb, say what u need to say in a forceful manner and end the conversation.

This some of the Worst advice I’ve ever heard. shyt, why don’t you start beating her too lol.