Daily Rant Thread.

[Coli_UnderWorld_King]

Tell all your business online brehs.....

Get a journal........

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

My tea's gone cold I wonder why I got out of bed at all. The morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all. Even if I could it'd all be grey. But your picture on my wall, it reminds me that's it's not so bad.

You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air Tonight" about that guy who could have saved that other guy from drowning but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him? That's kinda how this is, you could have rescued me from drowning. Now it's too late. I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call.

I'm not Mr. N'Sync, I'm not what your friends think, I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick If you tick me my tank is on empty. No patience is in me and if you offend me I'm lifting you 10 feet.

I'm seeing cemetary photos of my peers. Conversating like they still here. I'm losing homies in a hurry they relocating to the cemetery. The question is: will I live nobody in the world loves me?

Show me some happiness again. I'm going blind. My every move is a calculated step to help me embrace an early death. This ain't the life for me I want to change. I've been really wanting babies so I can see a side of me that wasn't always shady. Don't trust my lady because she's a product of this poison.

Only describe us as soldiers, survivors.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

I added jump roping and sit ups to my work out. I'm on day four maybe, and I see my abs coming back. My face is looking trimmer. I'm thinking of taking a boxing class. I need to be challenged physically. I know I can run. I know I have good reflexes and balance.

I've been watching BJJ videos the last couple days and it seems challenging to learn. I might be too old to dive in and get my feet wet. I want to learn it. If it's not expensive I'd like to take a beginners' class and see if I like it.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

I'm making friends. I'm proud of myself. It's 3am. I just got home. It's weird, when I was all about money and trophies I thought everyone around me was my friend. I realize now they were toxic and I lost myself chasing big checks and big trophies.

My ego is in check. And I'm making friends with normal people. Rather than "succesful" people. I listen to people now. And I don't dominate the conversation. I used to think I was the most interesting person I knew because I didn't know anyone like me.

I see now I never took the time to give people a chance to let me get to know them. And when I did it was people I wanted something from. I don't exploit people anymore and I don't expect people to like me because I've accomplished some shyt. My resume is impressive but the content of my character was toxic.

Some woman told me I'm special today. She hugged me and whispered to me that I'm special. The older black women at my job are kind of like my moms. Or the mom I always wanted. Lol they call me mister man or the boss because I'm an assertive man.

I made a fried chicken sandwich from scratch today and I had the whole kitchen watching me work.

I fried the chicken, made my own sauce, and slaw for it. We finished early today because I took control of my department and supported everyone. Leadership said they were more than impressed.

I am a team player but I've neve been on a team where I'm not the captain or coach. So people follow me. Now that I'm out of sports I'm learning to lead in a different way.

I'm finally beginning to understand the responsibility that comes with my gifts. I can either fly or die. It all depends on me and my mentality. I know I'm getting healthy because I'm attracting healthy people.

My buddy is having a baby. He invited me to his baby shower but of course I had work. I fee guilty. I also got invited out by this girl I'm crushing on and I couldn't go because I had work. Being a cook limits my availability. I work odd hours. I hope she doesn't think I'm not interested, because I'm hella interested. Hahaha, I found out tonight more than a few girls have crushes on me at work.

I love goth girls. I can't help it. I love her tattoos. I love her make up. I hate that I can't make up my mind. Half of me likes bad girls and the other half knows I need a nice girl.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

Message to young black men. I was moved by this video. It's powerful. I've been searching for my identity in America. I am a proud black man raised in an impoverished neighborhood.

I am your family. I am your brother. I love you. I see you. You're beautiful, intelligent, and I am proud to be a part of our community. Together we are unstoppable. We must take control of our future and provide what we decide is necessary for our ideal future.

To my brothers, I'm sorry I viewed you as competition and not as my teammates. There's enough food for all of us to eat and feed our teams. We must recognize that we are the truth and the devil is a lie.

We are not poor by accident. We are not ignorant by accident. We are not divisive by accident. We are prepared to be servants, but we are not servants. We are creators and soldiers. Together we can change the face of the Earth.

To my sisters, you're the life's blood of our community. Without you there wouldn't be a community. You are the universe and the stars are your children. You are leaders. You are protectors. You are nurturers. You are delicate and strong. You are the beginning of all things. You are balance. You are elegance.

I love you with every fiber of my being and I am not a success until I'm successful with you and to you.


Fear is stronger than love,

Still Ill FC

 

[Another Man]

Work out. Get a gym membership or even do bodyweight circuits at home, ride a bike and go on jogs. It releases stress/anger, plus endorphins will give you a rush and plus itll improve your mood, suppress your anxiety and increase confidence long term

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

Man. Being alive is a challenge. Lately I've been reading and thinking about the challenges people have faced or continue to face on a daily basis. We all have issues. Just live.

I've been listening. I've been observing. For the first time in my life I'm not lost in my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I've awaken from a long nap.

I really do feel for so many people. I'm not in a position to fix everything for everyone but I do send all my love to everyone. I've been through a lot of destructive and evil shyt in my life. I know when someone is fukked up because it's like looking in a mirror.

I also know how rare good people are. I appreciate very much my interactions with them. Most people will treat you well if they see value you in. If you're not shyt to them their real face shows.

Good people give me the strength to believe in love and the light at the end of the tunnel. I'd like to be a good person. I don't think I can. I can be a battering ram for good people.

I'm helping found a gardening program for impoverished black kids. It's a black program from top to bottom. I'm very fukking proud. I'll be assisting kids with building planter boxes and learning about native species of plants and how to grow and prepare them for consumption cheaply and professionally.

This has been my plan since I moved to this city. I'm giving kids a skill set and access to a healthier lifestyle at no cost to them. I linked up with a church and I plan to keep this program going and working with more churches. My plan is to have all the churches in my neighborhood partnered with local corner stores on the low or not. I want these kids to see their hard work turn into money. I want them to have ownership in a business and in their community. I want these kids to be leaders in their families and communities.

After school I'll make my proposal to the school district and try to expand into schools in this city. If I fail I fail. But I have to try. I actually cannot sleep if I don't do this. Since I dismantled my business I've been building this in my head.

My idea isn't original and it's very simple. It's in line with history of this city and I know if I keep quiet about my true intentions rather than being arrogant as I usually am this will blossom into what I designed it to be. Which is not about me.

I'm fukking stoked to be back doing what I love. I love children. I love my people. And I love food. Lol people keep thinking I'm just a kid with big dreams until I pull a move like this.

I understand business and networking more than people will understand. The only reason I have to move slowly is because I'm pro black and I refuse to have the foundation of my success be anything white. That's why I quit my old life. It took me a year and some change but I'm back now.

I feel dead on the inside. But I feel very much alive too. It's wild. I don't fear failure anymore because I lost everything already. I'm not kidding. I lost everything I valued and loved at the same time. When I had a lot to lose I couldn't be as vocal as I am now about what I think. Now I know the only people who can't stand who I am are against empowering the impoverished and those without access to good education and opportunities.

Making positive change is simple. Anyone who says it isn't is a liar. If we want to change the world we have to change ourselves and change the way we raise children. It's that simple. Governments and multinational conglomerates will never change. They're not human so of course they won't. They resist change because change may make them obsolete.

I've been embraced by this city. It almost makes me cry how much love I get here. This is my home. These people are my family. I've never had either so this means a lot to me. I may never have my own kids or family. I've accepted that. But that doesn't mean I can't be an active part of the community I live in.

I will not squander this opportunity or use it as a platform for my ego. Lol I learned my lesson the first time. I just wish someone other than me was proud. I went from zero to hero because I believed in love even when I didn't know what it was. I believe in justice and equality. They aren't just words to me.

I'm not just weird. Or smart. Or crazy. Or whatever the fukk people choose to call me. I'm on fukking fire. If I were to be what was expected of me I'd be dead or worse off. It'd be lame for me to call it quits. Yes it's hard. It gets harder. But I've endured so much I don't think it's possible for me to quit. I've given up so much and I've suffered so much. A little more sacrifice and suffering is nothing.

That goes back to me being fukked up. I can withstand more abuse than the average person. I can view myself as a lost cause or charity case like everyone else did. I decided to say fukk that shyt. And I found a positive application for my complexes.

We all have issues. Just fukking live.

 

[Gab]

shut your bytch ass up

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

shut your bytch ass up

I wish you the best in life. I hope your children grow up to be successful and you achieve all of your goals. You deserve it.

 

[Gab]

I wish you the best in life. I hope your children grow up to be successful and you achieve all of your goals. You deserve it.

.... now i feel bad bruh

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

Man. I miss my babies. My ex had twin infants. When we lived together they'd cry and we'd take turns getting them back to sleep. I used to watch her sleep because I didn't sleep that much.

I fell love with her every night all over again. I'd think about how perfect of a mother she was. I could hear our kids running through the house in my head. I'd imagine seeing her happy and it made me happy to be a part of that.

Lol I remember her son would follow me around. And people would always tell us we were good parents. People assumed they were my kids because they always followed me with their eyes. We were at a party and I remember people telling me they could see how much we loved each other in our eyes. Funny thing was we never publicly announced we were dating. We just did it, lol.

I never told her but her being a mom is why I loved her so much. Time would slow down when I'd see her interacting with her kids. To this day I still haven't met a better mom.

I have to admit to myself she made the best decision for her kids. And it wasn't me. She really believed kids need their biological father. She was willing to sacrifice her happiness to give her kids what she thought was the best for them. It wasn't me.

I made more money. Had a better career. fukked better. Looked better. Was a better partner and father. And I couldn't and still find it hard to process that me at my best wasn't good enough.

This hit me on a night bike ride I went because I couldn't sleep. How could she better without me? Then I realized it was never about me.

It's funny because I rarely think about her now. I used to think about her all the time when we dated. I know she thought about me all the time. It's wild how two people can go from completely obsessed with each other to strangers.

I'm watching the Oscar Grant movie. He loved his daughter. I was the same way with my ex's daughter. There's nothing more satisfying than coming home and seeing your lady's and your little girl's eye sparkle with excitement because you're in the room. That's that real shyt.

I hope to find that again one day. Maybe I'll be better prepared for it. Maybe it isn't for me. Maybe I don't deserve it.

I remember when I was sure I was going to be murdered all I could think about was her. When I survived the attack she was the first person I called. I think she's the only person I've ever loved in my life on any level.

I don't know if I love my mom. I think I feel like I owe her for saving my ass. I feel bad for my brother. I'm going to take care of him because I'd feel guilty if he were taken advantage of. I gotta make it for both of us.

It's not fair because he was supposed to help me. But naw I've been carrying him my whole life. I've resented for a long time because he didn't hold up his end of the bargain as big bro.

I've never complained about my circumstances. I figured everybody had it worse because my mom always told me everyone has it bad. Since I've gotten away from her I've realized it's okay for me say I'm tired. I'm fukking sad. I'm tired of being fukking sad. Everyday is really hard because I have to go out in the world and build something from nothing on my own.

The one person who helps me I love her so much. She's just like me. We don't have shyt. We ain't got no nobody. We don't cry about it and we never will. We've built a platform for ourselves to try to make it.

She's like my sister. She tells me when I'm fukking up. She's helped me improve myself a lot and she's held hand through this transitional period.

I can really relate to Oscar Grant. We're just trying to make positive changes in our lives and get healthy but he died violently and nobody cared. He's just another dead brother who didn't live past 22.

I wasn't supposed to live past 22. People want a bunch of fake shyt out of life. I'm happy to wake up everyday and live where I want to live and have the few options I have. When you're not shyt and you're aware of it you long to have something or be something. To have anything or be anything.

I walk the same streets Oscar Grant did. I had the same stresses for a period in my life. I want the same things he did. I want to be allowed to change and take care of my loved ones. I don't want to be alone. It's really fukking scary. I want a hug.

I'll never say this out loud. It's not something I'll ever discuss seriously with anyone. There's a side of me I have to protect because I would die if anyone saw it.

 

[SeveroDrgnfli]

Today sucked. If I let this bother me I could fall back into my bad habits. I was running late to work and I go to hop on bike and I had two flat tires. I go to put air in them and my bike pump was gone. I lost my wallet too. I tried to apply for my paid time off and I couldn't log in for two hours. On top of that work was very stressful. My friend is out of town so I can't even vent. I dunno how I'm going to access my money without an ID or debit card. I can't get an ID without money. And I can't get my money without my ID. I loved that wallet too. It was very expensive. I have bills due on that day too. This is a huge set back.

I think I lost it at work which sucks. I tried to find it but my coworkers snitched on me for trying to find my wallet. It's funny how people pretend to care but when I'm going through it they kick me when I'm down. That's why I say I have one friend.

I'm not asking my family for help. fukk that. I'll take the fines. Idunno how I'm going to feed myself because I don't keep much food because of my diet. I buy food everyday. I really hope I can swing something and work this out on time.

Times like these I really miss my old click. We did each other dirty in love but I know my girls would have held me down. I've been talking myself off the ledge all day. It's hard man. I think about my big brother not being a big brother.

I refuse to pity myself. Yes this sucks, and it hurts a lot. But I gotta calm myself down and work through it. I can't afford to pity myself or get upset. But some of the cards I was dealt are shytty.

People don't know what being alone is really like. Real loneliness. I've been an island my whole life. I try to connect with people but it doesn't work for me. The affect it's had on me cannot be reversed. The few people I'm able to connect with usually discard me.

I relate to Tupac a lot. Yes we both had family, but not really. We were both cast out until people saw value in us. Then all of sudden people loved us. That's a really shytty feeling when my heart and soul is all I give people.

I'm a fighter. But I'm tired man. I've fought everyday of my life to have something. And whenever I get something it's taken away from me and the world keeps spinning. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm fukking tired. I'm so tired.

Sing me to sleep. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. Don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone. Don't feel bad for me I want you to know deep in the cell of my heart I'll feel so glad to go. There is another world. There is a better world. There must be.

 

[Gab]

when i said i felt bad about telling you too stfu princess, i was kidding

 

[O.T.I.S.]

Start boxing dude. It will release a lot of things you feel. Anger, stress, self pity.

I just started back this week and i feel ok right now.

Before i was ready to quit my job, move, etc. i still want to, but idk.

 

[MWinn]

@Still Ill FC You will be okay. Your lowest points are what give you the strength and wisdom to evolve into the person you are meant to be. You remind me of myself in a way based on the post about the community garden and teaching kids entrepreneurship in your community, that's similar to my end goal. Some of us weren't blessed with a support system to nurture and guide us. Some of us have to navigate this world on our own. It's all about perspective, once you get through your current struggle then you will realize just how strong you are and that any goal you set out to accomplish will become your reality. Also, it sucks to ask family for help when your not close but if that's going to be the determining factor in you moving forward vs falling completely off path, then put your pride aside and do it for your future self.