Yeah I lost her the way I got her, I know where this karma comes from. She had a man when I met her. She flirted with me first, tried to give me her number, I declined, then went thru her friend to get it to me...
I knew she had a man, and while I preached patience and waiting until that man was gone, I eventually gave in to my own temptations and starting messing with her while her man was still living with her...
Somewhere around the last two to three weeks that they were together, is when she and I started dating, and even before that I was still flirting with her, touching on her, so I crossed the line. Allowed myself to...
Part of the weight of this situation has been an instant recognizance, from the time I went over and homie answered the door, that I lost her the way I got her. I own that. Still a hard pill to swallow. But I own it...
And part of this weight is like, gotdamn, I get all my karma on the front end. These women I'm with keep skating. And I know I'm no one's Higher Power, but these chicks do all kind of foul shyt and keep getting away with it...
Life in general, I'm a HUGE believer that we always get back the energy we put out. Always. Karmic retribution. I have my reasons for it. And my most recent sins, I've gotten back thru losing the one woman I've been dumb in love with, wanted to marry, I get what's going on I'm q spiritual sense. I earned it. And yet it still burns me like, how many times this bytch gonna get to play with the nikkas in her life?
Thru her own words, she cheated on her baby dad, granted, she says he cheated first, but she admits she fired back. She cheated on her high school sweetheart by meeting her baby dad, then two kids later, her and high school sweetheart tried to make it work and she cheated on him with a woman, though she says he cheated first...
The guy after HS Sweetheart was the guy before me, who was a serial cheater, but she didn't wait for that relationship to end, she cheated with me before it did...
Then there's me, and she goes and starts cavorting with this guy while I'm gone, and when she got her "reason", went full steam ahead. But the romance or whatever you wanna call it, with this guy, started before her and I called it quits and of course it's kept going while she's denied it the entire time and told me she loves me and we can reconcile later...
Selfishly yesterday felt like a vengeance play, like I can't get her any other way. So I'll embarrass her dumb, lying ass at work. This chick trapped me into having a baby with her. Abused the benevolence I extended to her. And stepped out on me and allowed me to hang on while she did her dirt...
So no, and you remember the OG thread. This chick really wanted another child. I was the Next Man Up. Whoever Next Man was, was gonna be the BD. But my soft, gullible ass walked right into it...
Ending this relationship with finality is a blessing for me. It's a long term positive gain, a huge one. I'm clear on that. It's surviving the short term in the most responsible and secure manner possible. The short term feels like a loss. Then I remember why I wanted out with her in the first place...
I've allowed my ego to give this woman more relevance than she earned from me. It was never gonna last. I bear plenty of responsibility for that...
I think the complications post-breakup will be short term, too. Mayne a year or two or three. Our daughter is 18 months. I can see this getting easier really soon because I'm going to make it easier. Of I've learned anything from post-breakup with my first BM, it's minimize the arguments. It's impossible to say there will be no arguments, because I don't control what she says or does or throws in my direction. But I can minimize the altercations by not engaging in frivolous shyt I know she wanna debate about, and just being clear and straightforward with my own responses and intent with my daughter...
I have a game plan. It'll solidify as I get further removed from this relationship. And honestly I feel better today than I did yesterday. I realize some of the days going forward will be tougher to handle than others, but I'm about to attack this healing process hard. Starting in about an hour and a half when my big girls' mother comes to get them, I won't see them until next Friday, I'm finna attack this shyt, everything I've discussed in here, everything all of you have offered me about myself and my misgivings, I'm attacking this cleansing process hard than a muhfukka...