Religion/Spirituality The official Bizarre Bible Stories Thread

Mowgli

Veteran
Joined
May 1, 2012
Messages
104,372
Reputation
14,159
Daps
246,525
So how did they get the Ark on the cart in the first place? How were they going to get it down?

:ahh: the arbitrary violent nature of Yahweh.

The Koahthites were the ones who were not allowed to touch the ark. Moses Aaron and his peeps were allowed to. Aaron and his kids decorated the ark so obviously they were allowed to touch it. I get it, you just wanna be a clown. Stay out of biblical discussions and stick to circle jerkin with your army of fakkits.
 

you're NOT "n!ggas"

FKA ciroq drobama
Supporter
Joined
May 1, 2012
Messages
14,638
Reputation
6,284
Daps
63,414
Reppin
Astronomy (8th light)
:pachaha: we ignore the fukkery in the New Testament.

:mjpls: peep game

11 As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage and Bethany at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples, 2 saying to them, “Go to the village ahead of you, and just as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. 3 If anyone asks you, ‘Why are you doing this?’ say, ‘The Lord needs it and will send it back here shortly.’”

4 They went and found a colt outside in the street, tied at a doorway. As they untied it, 5 some people standing there asked, “What are you doing, untying that colt?” 6 They answered as Jesus had told them to, and the people let them go. 7 When they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks over it, he sat on it. 8 Many people spread their cloaks on the road, while others spread branches they had cut in the fields. 9 Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted,

“Hosanna![a]”

“Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”

10 “Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!”

“Hosanna in the highest heaven!”


so basically... jesus was like "aight nikkas, we're about to go into jerusalem :usure: but i aint tryna come in on no weak shyt. i want these hoes to recognize who the fukk i am :blessed: i need yall to steal somebody's horse :usure: if they give you any bullshyt, tell em GOD sent you :steviej:"-- the disciples roll with it.

11 Jesus entered Jerusalem and went into the temple courts. He looked around at everything, but since it was already late, he went out to Bethany with the Twelve.

so the disciples did like he said, but its late, so no one is around to see jesus stunt... at least not as much as he wanted... so now this nikka is mad :demonic:

12 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13 Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14 Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.

jesus is so mad he's taking his anger out on trees that aren't even in SEASON to bear fruit. you mean to tell me you can turn water into wine, walk on water, raise the dead, etc but you can't make a tree bear fruit??? but you can make sure it NEVER bears fruit again??? :why: the fukk. he aint done yet though

15 On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, 16 and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. 17 And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’[c]? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’[d]”

:whoa: so lemme get this straight. its perfectly fine for you to steal a stranger's horse for your grand entrance into the city but if people making what sounds like honest sales in the temple, you wanna get mad and fukk shyt up and call THEM the robbers???


:dead:
 

Robbie3000

Veteran
Supporter
Joined
May 20, 2012
Messages
32,626
Reputation
6,510
Daps
145,304
Reppin
NULL
:mjpls: peep game



so basically... jesus was like "aight nikkas, we're about to go into jerusalem :usure: but i aint tryna come in on no weak shyt. i want these hoes to recognize who the fukk i am :blessed: i need yall to steal somebody's horse :usure: if they give you any bullshyt, tell em GOD sent you :steviej:"-- the disciples roll with it.



so the disciples did like he said, but its late, so no one is around to see jesus stunt... at least not as much as he wanted... so now this nikka is mad :demonic:



jesus is so mad he's taking his anger out on trees that aren't even in SEASON to bear fruit. you mean to tell me you can turn water into wine, walk on water, raise the dead, etc but you can't make a tree bear fruit??? but you can make sure it NEVER bears fruit again??? :why: the fukk. he aint done yet though



:whoa: so lemme get this straight. its perfectly fine for you to steal a stranger's horse for your grand entrance into the city but if people making what sounds like honest sales in the temple, you wanna get mad and fukk shyt up and call THEM the robbers???


:dead:

:ohh:

So Jesus was Chuncey and his disciples were Caine and O-Dog?
 

Julius Skrrvin

I be winkin' through the scope
Joined
May 28, 2012
Messages
16,318
Reputation
3,285
Daps
30,749
Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.


:wtf:
 

Julius Skrrvin

I be winkin' through the scope
Joined
May 28, 2012
Messages
16,318
Reputation
3,285
Daps
30,749
16 That evening an old man came home from his work in the fields. He was from the hill country of Ephraim, but he was living in Gibeah, where the people were from the tribe of Benjamin. 17 When he saw the travelers sitting in the town square, he asked them where they were from and where they were going.

18 “We have been in Bethlehem in Judah,” the man replied. “We are on our way to a remote area in the hill country of Ephraim, which is my home. I traveled to Bethlehem, and now I’m returning home.[c] But no one has taken us in for the night, 19 even though we have everything we need. We have straw and feed for our donkeys and plenty of bread and wine for ourselves.”

20 “You are welcome to stay with me,” the old man said. “I will give you anything you might need. But whatever you do, don’t spend the night in the square.” 21 So he took them home with him and fed the donkeys. After they washed their feet, they ate and drank together.

22 While they were enjoying themselves, a crowd of troublemakers from the town surrounded the house. They began beating at the door and shouting to the old man, “Bring out the man who is staying with you so we can have sex with him.”

23 The old man stepped outside to talk to them. “No, my brothers, don’t do such an evil thing. For this man is a guest in my house, and such a thing would be shameful. 24 Here, take my virgin daughter and this man’s concubine. I will bring them out to you, and you can abuse them and do whatever you like. But don’t do such a shameful thing to this man.”

25 But they wouldn’t listen to him. So the Levite took hold of his concubine and pushed her out the door. The men of the town abused her all night, taking turns raping her until morning. Finally, at dawn they let her go. 26 At daybreak the woman returned to the house where her husband was staying. She collapsed at the door of the house and lay there until it was light.

27 When her husband opened the door to leave, there lay his concubine with her hands on the threshold. 28 He said, “Get up! Let’s go!” But there was no answer.[d] So he put her body on his donkey and took her home.

29 When he got home, he took a knife and cut his concubine’s body into twelve pieces. Then he sent one piece to each tribe throughout all the territory of Israel.

:wtf::huhldup::what::why:
 

CASHAPP

Superstar
Supporter
Joined
Aug 12, 2012
Messages
26,503
Reputation
-2,479
Daps
48,363
Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.


:wtf:




And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.


:wtf:
 

intilectual recipricol

Killin fake hip hop
Joined
Aug 1, 2012
Messages
12,041
Reputation
-3,851
Daps
16,527
Reppin
The Brook
@Kool G Trap

and whats worse is these morons cant even tell that that story IS IDENTICAL to the Lot and daughters story... Yahweh's family values are ass maynes
 
Last edited by a moderator:

the mechanic

Greasy philosophy
Joined
Feb 8, 2013
Messages
1,472
Reputation
-20
Daps
1,916
Song of Solomon 5:4 (KJV)

"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him."

:huhldup:

:takedat:

Its called fisting breh...good clean fun ....solomon was into some real freaky shyt...i think he invented the donkey punch as well
 

Mr. Somebody

Friend Of A Friend
Joined
May 10, 2012
Messages
28,262
Reputation
2,012
Daps
43,625
Reppin
Los Angeles
Sad, the things people say just to feel content and comfortable, being evil. Please repent, give Glory and praise to God and ask him for forgiveness for the foul disgusting things you have done in your lives. He will forgive you. Just please, and i implore you, do not disrespect God himself. I cant stress this enough. Good luck, friends.
 

CASHAPP

Superstar
Supporter
Joined
Aug 12, 2012
Messages
26,503
Reputation
-2,479
Daps
48,363
So everybody what is your favorite season of the Bible?

:troll:
 
Top