Address_Unknown
Jesus Loves you...Your Cat doesn't. {#Dogset}
Aight. I'm a try this once and see where it goes from here. Now I ain't never really intended to be anything but a lurker here, but the fukkery dynamic of this place made a dude want to sign up so he could partake in the daps, the laughs, kick a bit of knowledge mixed with my god given penchant for posting absurd. I honestly like the community here, for the most part and since I ain't donated as yet, I might as well pay it forward via some bullshyt for y'all to laugh at, so here's a chapter (More parts to come if y'all respond favorably to this shyt) of my life that pretty changed me from being a real naive, milquetoast, goofy cat into this self affirming, Alcohol chugging, Acid dropping, Shroom chewing, skirt chasing, afro headed flabby'n'sick b*stard with a love of music, self, healthy vaginas and literature.
But enough about me and more about myself. Submitted for the approval of the Coli fukkery Society, I call thisducktale
Props to:-
@MsReal for dropping that thread that motivated me to type all this shyt out.
@DIMES @SheWantTheD @Paradise Road for reading/skimming/dapping it.
All you other brehs who been dropping similar stories who inspired me to give back to this shyt.
Part 2 in a few.
But enough about me and more about myself. Submitted for the approval of the Coli fukkery Society, I call this
Enter a 15 year old Address_Unknown. A Five Foot Six, chubby glasses wearing, videogame playing, rock music listening to goofball that wasn't getting any cheeks as yet and was still on that perfect gentleman tip, trying to be the best, most respectablest, good guy for all them budding, nubile girls my age at school'n'shyt. Back then I was just happy to receive attention from females I liked via a smile, simple shyt like having to share a book in class or if we happened to have a conversation or some other miniscule shyt she'd forget before lunch but that shyt would be the highlight of my whole fukking semester.
Had this girl in my class. Now while we weren't exactly friends or anything, she normally kept it cordial with me despite being one of the popular kids (Not prom queen popular, but she looked good, filled out them uniforms nicely and had guys hollering). One day during lunch, she saunter's her fukking narrow ass down to where me and the goofball crew talking about videogames and DBz or some other juvenile shyt, pulls up a seat next to a dude and starts whispering in my ear.
"Hey..Address...I uhh...need to talk....shhhh....*Sigh* aaah. Need to talk to you.. can we talk?"
But she looking dead at my friends, like she telling me a juicy secret and smiling at them'n'shyt and I'm like " Popping all kinds of boners with her perfume in my nose all like "Yes Yes..let's talk."
So we get up, hit an empty classroom and start talking. She all like "You being going movies by yourself'n'shyt right? Well..there's a movie I really want to see, but my folks don't want me going alone..and my girlfriend's mom ain't dropping us...you think you can take me?"
Like word? You wanna hit the movies with me? Um..yeah..yeah..I mean..what we watching?
It was the year 2000 and Love and Basketball finally hit our theatre, but I was more interested in the fact that she wanted ME to take her out even though I knew I wasn't her first choice, with her talking about her friends and all. Didn't care, I was going on a date with a girl, a good looking one at that and she kinda made that shyt public by telling me infront of my boys, coulda did that shyt in class; heck she coulda asked another dude, an older dude who prolly had money and could get a car'n'shyt, I was catching ride to the theatres on some little boy shyt, but she asked me and I was pleased as all hell.
So I get back to the group and they all like "Yo..wha she had wah pana?" I like "She wah go movies, dude. Me'n'she, watch tha love and basketball shyt" Me and the crew.
So a breh all anxious, but in a good way in class, ain't following shyt (I remember that shyt was Geography. fukk them tectonic plates, nikka.) just trying to play it cool, class finishes, school's out, she pulls me aside and we walking to the gate. People prolly seeing at this point, me and my selfwith my blue Jansport back pack (One strap on the right side...yeah that's the Simp Side) single shouldering it, and we talking. We stop by the gate and she writing down her phone number on a piece of paper, people passing'n'shyt and I feel like I'm in a fukking American coming of age teen flick 'cause this shyt don't happen in the Caribbean like that..she hit me with the "I need you to call..around 8 or so..can you call me please?" I'm like "Yup...yup..no prob...8." Tuck that shyt in my top pocket and just walk past her and errybody like
I swear a breh was like 3 inches taller.
Fast forward to like 7:55...I in the living room, making sure nobody ain't around, waiting by the phone, itching like a base head waiting for that freeblast thinking I should call after 8 to not appear needy..but fukk it...A breh's nothing if not nice and cordial, right?
Call her house phone at 8:03, some angry sounding dude picked up the phone I'm like "Um...Is Beth there (Let's call this bytch that shyt.)"
Him: "Who this?"
Me: " Um Hello, Goodnight...this is..A Ad Adress..U.Unknown..I needed to ask Beth about that Geography assignment."
(Did I mention that fear gives a breh the gift of weaving bullshyt out of thin air?)
Him. "Wasn't you paying attention in class, boy? Why ayo don't listen to the teacher? You see? This is what I does be talking about Shirley..these children.." * 30 seconds or so of him ranting between me and his wife with the receiver prolly waving in his hand and some bullshyt before I hear* "Beth! WHA ALL CLASS YOU HAD THIS AFTERNOON??? WHO DIS BOY IS CALLING MY HOUSE LATE NIGHT??"
Her in the background "GEE-AHH-GRA-FEEE, DAAAA-DEEEEEE" (fukking little girl voice...)
Him: "Well, tell this boy this information he asking, and doh be on there all night, Give him the pages or whatever and hurry up finish yuh homework." She takes the phone.
Her : "Yeah...the homework, page *Gives false information* Yeah...Yeah...Ok."
Then she starts having a fukking one sided conversation out of NOWHERE "No..I dunno..wha time?"
Me " The fukk is you talking about?"
Her: "No...I gaaah--toooo-seee....movies...Saturday? Wha time? Daaaadeee-Come to da phooonnee.."
Me" What? Ask who? Ask what? Come to the? What? Wait..Hello? Daddy? Is who you talking to? Wait, Beth..Beth...bytch WHAT THE fukk?!"
Him: "Yes, Hello boy? You done get what you want? Ask me what? What he asking me?"
Me" " *I'm hearing a muffled conversation with her and him, I'm about ready to turn off the phone and pull the line out the fukking socket*
Him." Wha movie you want to ask she to? What movie playing? How ayo getting there? Boy..hello? Hello?!"
*Pause, turn to grey and Cue Daniel Stern's voice from the Wonder Years*
"So here I was..stuck in a situation I did not create and I can only see two real options. Hang the fukk up and abort this shyt, have her possibly clown me or get mad at me at school, tell everybody I's a punk or an anti-man and slip LOWER on the social totem pole at school or I can just continue being my relatively smart ass self and just roll with that fukk...most he can do is tell me No and that's that." I rolled with the latter.
"Um...Sir Is a movie I want to go see..called Love and Basketball. Ain't nothing rude, A boy and girl who does run ball, we been talking about it in class and I had want to ask she if she want to go..."
Him: "So you asking me? Is wha you saying?"
Me " Yes Sir..you's the man of the house and my father say you all time gah respect a man house when you calling...especially after 7 o clock when everybody done eat dinner." (My dad never told me shyt of this nature I'm in full bullshyt, Eddie Haskell mode (Goo from My Brother and me if you don't know..I dunno any millenial characters of that nature, so google them flabby references)
...and I can literally hear the smile on his face.
Him: "Yes man! Respectable young bwoy! Yuh father teach you right! Thought you was one of them pissy tail boys calling, looking wife and misbehaving on my phone, troubling man gyul chile...Who yuh father? Wha yuh last name? *Proceeds to divulge my Government name* Well, Address..I going think on it. I'll let her know if is Ok..how ayo going to get there?"
Me: " Well,Sir, I does normally catch ride, but meen want to be out on the road no late night with Beth...if is just me and my pana them...is fine, but in a situation like this, I going to organize a ride. My aunt will drop us, more than likely."
Him: "Alright young man (Upgrade from Bwoy to Young man.) We will see."
Me: "Alright sir, now, I going to go finish up this Geography Homework, please tell Beth thank you for the information please? Good night."
Fastforward the next day, she in school all "Who teach you to lie like tha boy?" I'm like " When I wah something happen, I does fine solutions to whatever the ass the problem is...(fukking confidence boost I wish stayed with me throughout this encounter..shyt felt nice.)"
So she all impressed'n'shyt, we talking cool in class like we buddy buddy, word prolly spreading, my dudes know, girls passing 'cross hitting me with that "Address Unknown...how you doing?" shyt for no reason, got a breh feeling grown. Fast forward to Friday night, I get a call and she like "It's on."
Had this girl in my class. Now while we weren't exactly friends or anything, she normally kept it cordial with me despite being one of the popular kids (Not prom queen popular, but she looked good, filled out them uniforms nicely and had guys hollering). One day during lunch, she saunter's her fukking narrow ass down to where me and the goofball crew talking about videogames and DBz or some other juvenile shyt, pulls up a seat next to a dude and starts whispering in my ear.
"Hey..Address...I uhh...need to talk....shhhh....*Sigh* aaah. Need to talk to you.. can we talk?"
But she looking dead at my friends, like she telling me a juicy secret and smiling at them'n'shyt and I'm like " Popping all kinds of boners with her perfume in my nose all like "Yes Yes..let's talk."
So we get up, hit an empty classroom and start talking. She all like "You being going movies by yourself'n'shyt right? Well..there's a movie I really want to see, but my folks don't want me going alone..and my girlfriend's mom ain't dropping us...you think you can take me?"
Like word? You wanna hit the movies with me? Um..yeah..yeah..I mean..what we watching?
It was the year 2000 and Love and Basketball finally hit our theatre, but I was more interested in the fact that she wanted ME to take her out even though I knew I wasn't her first choice, with her talking about her friends and all. Didn't care, I was going on a date with a girl, a good looking one at that and she kinda made that shyt public by telling me infront of my boys, coulda did that shyt in class; heck she coulda asked another dude, an older dude who prolly had money and could get a car'n'shyt, I was catching ride to the theatres on some little boy shyt, but she asked me and I was pleased as all hell.
So I get back to the group and they all like "Yo..wha she had wah pana?" I like "She wah go movies, dude. Me'n'she, watch tha love and basketball shyt" Me and the crew.
So a breh all anxious, but in a good way in class, ain't following shyt (I remember that shyt was Geography. fukk them tectonic plates, nikka.) just trying to play it cool, class finishes, school's out, she pulls me aside and we walking to the gate. People prolly seeing at this point, me and my selfwith my blue Jansport back pack (One strap on the right side...yeah that's the Simp Side) single shouldering it, and we talking. We stop by the gate and she writing down her phone number on a piece of paper, people passing'n'shyt and I feel like I'm in a fukking American coming of age teen flick 'cause this shyt don't happen in the Caribbean like that..she hit me with the "I need you to call..around 8 or so..can you call me please?" I'm like "Yup...yup..no prob...8." Tuck that shyt in my top pocket and just walk past her and errybody like
Fast forward to like 7:55...I in the living room, making sure nobody ain't around, waiting by the phone, itching like a base head waiting for that freeblast thinking I should call after 8 to not appear needy..but fukk it...A breh's nothing if not nice and cordial, right?
Call her house phone at 8:03, some angry sounding dude picked up the phone I'm like "Um...Is Beth there (Let's call this bytch that shyt.)"
Him: "Who this?"
Me: " Um Hello, Goodnight...this is..A Ad Adress..U.Unknown..I needed to ask Beth about that Geography assignment."
(Did I mention that fear gives a breh the gift of weaving bullshyt out of thin air?)
Him. "Wasn't you paying attention in class, boy? Why ayo don't listen to the teacher? You see? This is what I does be talking about Shirley..these children.." * 30 seconds or so of him ranting between me and his wife with the receiver prolly waving in his hand and some bullshyt before I hear* "Beth! WHA ALL CLASS YOU HAD THIS AFTERNOON??? WHO DIS BOY IS CALLING MY HOUSE LATE NIGHT??"
Her in the background "GEE-AHH-GRA-FEEE, DAAAA-DEEEEEE" (fukking little girl voice...)
Him: "Well, tell this boy this information he asking, and doh be on there all night, Give him the pages or whatever and hurry up finish yuh homework." She takes the phone.
Her : "Yeah...the homework, page *Gives false information* Yeah...Yeah...Ok."
Then she starts having a fukking one sided conversation out of NOWHERE "No..I dunno..wha time?"
Me " The fukk is you talking about?"
Her: "No...I gaaah--toooo-seee....movies...Saturday? Wha time? Daaaadeee-Come to da phooonnee.."
Me" What? Ask who? Ask what? Come to the? What? Wait..Hello? Daddy? Is who you talking to? Wait, Beth..Beth...bytch WHAT THE fukk?!"
Him: "Yes, Hello boy? You done get what you want? Ask me what? What he asking me?"
Me" " *I'm hearing a muffled conversation with her and him, I'm about ready to turn off the phone and pull the line out the fukking socket*
Him." Wha movie you want to ask she to? What movie playing? How ayo getting there? Boy..hello? Hello?!"
*Pause, turn to grey and Cue Daniel Stern's voice from the Wonder Years*
"So here I was..stuck in a situation I did not create and I can only see two real options. Hang the fukk up and abort this shyt, have her possibly clown me or get mad at me at school, tell everybody I's a punk or an anti-man and slip LOWER on the social totem pole at school or I can just continue being my relatively smart ass self and just roll with that fukk...most he can do is tell me No and that's that." I rolled with the latter.
"Um...Sir Is a movie I want to go see..called Love and Basketball. Ain't nothing rude, A boy and girl who does run ball, we been talking about it in class and I had want to ask she if she want to go..."
Him: "So you asking me? Is wha you saying?"
Me " Yes Sir..you's the man of the house and my father say you all time gah respect a man house when you calling...especially after 7 o clock when everybody done eat dinner." (My dad never told me shyt of this nature I'm in full bullshyt, Eddie Haskell mode (Goo from My Brother and me if you don't know..I dunno any millenial characters of that nature, so google them flabby references)
...and I can literally hear the smile on his face.
Him: "Yes man! Respectable young bwoy! Yuh father teach you right! Thought you was one of them pissy tail boys calling, looking wife and misbehaving on my phone, troubling man gyul chile...Who yuh father? Wha yuh last name? *Proceeds to divulge my Government name* Well, Address..I going think on it. I'll let her know if is Ok..how ayo going to get there?"
Me: " Well,Sir, I does normally catch ride, but meen want to be out on the road no late night with Beth...if is just me and my pana them...is fine, but in a situation like this, I going to organize a ride. My aunt will drop us, more than likely."
Him: "Alright young man (Upgrade from Bwoy to Young man.) We will see."
Me: "Alright sir, now, I going to go finish up this Geography Homework, please tell Beth thank you for the information please? Good night."
Fastforward the next day, she in school all "Who teach you to lie like tha boy?" I'm like " When I wah something happen, I does fine solutions to whatever the ass the problem is...(fukking confidence boost I wish stayed with me throughout this encounter..shyt felt nice.)"
So she all impressed'n'shyt, we talking cool in class like we buddy buddy, word prolly spreading, my dudes know, girls passing 'cross hitting me with that "Address Unknown...how you doing?" shyt for no reason, got a breh feeling grown. Fast forward to Friday night, I get a call and she like "It's on."
Props to:-
@MsReal for dropping that thread that motivated me to type all this shyt out.
@DIMES @SheWantTheD @Paradise Road for reading/skimming/dapping it.
All you other brehs who been dropping similar stories who inspired me to give back to this shyt.
Part 2 in a few.
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