The Simp Chronicles - Featuring Address_Unknown.

[Address_Unknown]

Aight. I'm a try this once and see where it goes from here. Now I ain't never really intended to be anything but a lurker here, but the fukkery dynamic of this place made a dude want to sign up so he could partake in the daps, the laughs, kick a bit of knowledge mixed with my god given penchant for posting absurd. I honestly like the community here, for the most part and since I ain't donated as yet, I might as well pay it forward via some bullshyt for y'all to laugh at, so here's a chapter (More parts to come if y'all respond favorably to this shyt) of my life that pretty changed me from being a real naive, milquetoast, goofy cat into this self affirming, Alcohol chugging, Acid dropping, Shroom chewing, skirt chasing, afro headed flabby'n'sick b*stard with a love of music, self, healthy vaginas and literature.

But enough about me and more about myself. Submitted for the approval of the Coli fukkery Society, I call this ducktale

Spoiler: The Simp Chronicles, Part 1

Enter a 15 year old Address_Unknown. A Five Foot Six, chubby glasses wearing, videogame playing, rock music listening to goofball that wasn't getting any cheeks as yet and was still on that perfect gentleman tip, trying to be the best, most respectablest, good guy for all them budding, nubile girls my age at school'n'shyt. Back then I was just happy to receive attention from females I liked via a smile, simple shyt like having to share a book in class or if we happened to have a conversation or some other miniscule shyt she'd forget before lunch but that shyt would be the highlight of my whole fukking semester.

Had this girl in my class. Now while we weren't exactly friends or anything, she normally kept it cordial with me despite being one of the popular kids (Not prom queen popular, but she looked good, filled out them uniforms nicely and had guys hollering). One day during lunch, she saunter's her fukking narrow ass down to where me and the goofball crew talking about videogames and DBz or some other juvenile shyt, pulls up a seat next to a dude and starts whispering in my ear.

"Hey..Address...I uhh...need to talk....shhhh....*Sigh* aaah. Need to talk to you.. can we talk?"
But she looking dead at my friends, like she telling me a juicy secret and smiling at them'n'shyt and I'm like " Popping all kinds of boners with her perfume in my nose all like "Yes Yes..let's talk."
So we get up, hit an empty classroom and start talking. She all like "You being going movies by yourself'n'shyt right? Well..there's a movie I really want to see, but my folks don't want me going alone..and my girlfriend's mom ain't dropping us...you think you can take me?"

Like word? You wanna hit the movies with me? Um..yeah..yeah..I mean..what we watching?
It was the year 2000 and Love and Basketball finally hit our theatre, but I was more interested in the fact that she wanted ME to take her out even though I knew I wasn't her first choice, with her talking about her friends and all. Didn't care, I was going on a date with a girl, a good looking one at that and she kinda made that shyt public by telling me infront of my boys, coulda did that shyt in class; heck she coulda asked another dude, an older dude who prolly had money and could get a car'n'shyt, I was catching ride to the theatres on some little boy shyt, but she asked me and I was pleased as all hell.

So I get back to the group and they all like "Yo..wha she had wah pana?" I like "She wah go movies, dude. Me'n'she, watch tha love and basketball shyt" Me and the crew.

So a breh all anxious, but in a good way in class, ain't following shyt (I remember that shyt was Geography. fukk them tectonic plates, nikka.) just trying to play it cool, class finishes, school's out, she pulls me aside and we walking to the gate. People prolly seeing at this point, me and my selfwith my blue Jansport back pack (One strap on the right side...yeah that's the Simp Side) single shouldering it, and we talking. We stop by the gate and she writing down her phone number on a piece of paper, people passing'n'shyt and I feel like I'm in a fukking American coming of age teen flick 'cause this shyt don't happen in the Caribbean like that..she hit me with the "I need you to call..around 8 or so..can you call me please?" I'm like "Yup...yup..no prob...8." Tuck that shyt in my top pocket and just walk past her and errybody like

I swear a breh was like 3 inches taller.

Fast forward to like 7:55...I in the living room, making sure nobody ain't around, waiting by the phone, itching like a base head waiting for that freeblast thinking I should call after 8 to not appear needy..but fukk it...A breh's nothing if not nice and cordial, right?

Call her house phone at 8:03, some angry sounding dude picked up the phone I'm like "Um...Is Beth there (Let's call this bytch that shyt.)"
Him: "Who this?"
Me: " Um Hello, Goodnight...this is..A Ad Adress..U.Unknown..I needed to ask Beth about that Geography assignment."

(Did I mention that fear gives a breh the gift of weaving bullshyt out of thin air?)

Him. "Wasn't you paying attention in class, boy? Why ayo don't listen to the teacher? You see? This is what I does be talking about Shirley..these children.." * 30 seconds or so of him ranting between me and his wife with the receiver prolly waving in his hand and some bullshyt before I hear* "Beth! WHA ALL CLASS YOU HAD THIS AFTERNOON??? WHO DIS BOY IS CALLING MY HOUSE LATE NIGHT??"
Her in the background "GEE-AHH-GRA-FEEE, DAAAA-DEEEEEE" (fukking little girl voice...)
Him: "Well, tell this boy this information he asking, and doh be on there all night, Give him the pages or whatever and hurry up finish yuh homework." She takes the phone.
Her : "Yeah...the homework, page *Gives false information* Yeah...Yeah...Ok."
Then she starts having a fukking one sided conversation out of NOWHERE "No..I dunno..wha time?"
Me " The fukk is you talking about?"
Her: "No...I gaaah--toooo-seee....movies...Saturday? Wha time? Daaaadeee-Come to da phooonnee.."
Me" What? Ask who? Ask what? Come to the? What? Wait..Hello? Daddy? Is who you talking to? Wait, Beth..Beth...bytch WHAT THE fukk?!"
Him: "Yes, Hello boy? You done get what you want? Ask me what? What he asking me?"
Me" " *I'm hearing a muffled conversation with her and him, I'm about ready to turn off the phone and pull the line out the fukking socket*
Him." Wha movie you want to ask she to? What movie playing? How ayo getting there? Boy..hello? Hello?!"
*Pause, turn to grey and Cue Daniel Stern's voice from the Wonder Years*
"So here I was..stuck in a situation I did not create and I can only see two real options. Hang the fukk up and abort this shyt, have her possibly clown me or get mad at me at school, tell everybody I's a punk or an anti-man and slip LOWER on the social totem pole at school or I can just continue being my relatively smart ass self and just roll with that fukk...most he can do is tell me No and that's that." I rolled with the latter.

"Um...Sir Is a movie I want to go see..called Love and Basketball. Ain't nothing rude, A boy and girl who does run ball, we been talking about it in class and I had want to ask she if she want to go..."
Him: "So you asking me? Is wha you saying?"
Me " Yes Sir..you's the man of the house and my father say you all time gah respect a man house when you calling...especially after 7 o clock when everybody done eat dinner." (My dad never told me shyt of this nature I'm in full bullshyt, Eddie Haskell mode (Goo from My Brother and me if you don't know..I dunno any millenial characters of that nature, so google them flabby references)

...and I can literally hear the smile on his face.
Him: "Yes man! Respectable young bwoy! Yuh father teach you right! Thought you was one of them pissy tail boys calling, looking wife and misbehaving on my phone, troubling man gyul chile...Who yuh father? Wha yuh last name? *Proceeds to divulge my Government name* Well, Address..I going think on it. I'll let her know if is Ok..how ayo going to get there?"

Me: " Well,Sir, I does normally catch ride, but meen want to be out on the road no late night with Beth...if is just me and my pana them...is fine, but in a situation like this, I going to organize a ride. My aunt will drop us, more than likely."

Him: "Alright young man (Upgrade from Bwoy to Young man.) We will see."
Me: "Alright sir, now, I going to go finish up this Geography Homework, please tell Beth thank you for the information please? Good night."

Fastforward the next day, she in school all "Who teach you to lie like tha boy?" I'm like " When I wah something happen, I does fine solutions to whatever the ass the problem is...(fukking confidence boost I wish stayed with me throughout this encounter..shyt felt nice.)"
So she all impressed'n'shyt, we talking cool in class like we buddy buddy, word prolly spreading, my dudes know, girls passing 'cross hitting me with that "Address Unknown...how you doing?" shyt for no reason, got a breh feeling grown. Fast forward to Friday night, I get a call and she like "It's on."

Props to:-
@MsReal for dropping that thread that motivated me to type all this shyt out.
@DIMES @SheWantTheD @Paradise Road for reading/skimming/dapping it.
All you other brehs who been dropping similar stories who inspired me to give back to this shyt.

Part 2 in a few.

 

[Black]

@Address_Unknown HURRY UP WITH PART 2!

 

[Neuromancer]

Subs

 

[Blackout]

Let me tag the island ppl

@Fonsworth @Sauce God @ChocolateQueen

 

[audemarzz]

ohh some reading

 

[BocaRear]

Plat potential

Can't imagine growing up in a time where you had to call chicks on their house phone, the thought of their father picking up

 

[SAINT]

Your writing style is a lil confusing to follow, but not too bad friend

 

[Silkk]

Phone convo fukked me up, i'll try again in a minute

 

[Lady.Libra.]

Those tags

 

[Neuromancer]

Where are you from, G?

 

[Address_Unknown]

@Address_Unknown HURRY UP WITH PART 2!

Gimmie two minutes.

Plat potential

Can't imagine growing up in a time where you had to call chicks on their house phone, the thought of their father picking up

Yup. Wasn't nobody holding cellphones around them times;heck, alot of dudes was lucky to have a damned computer down here in 2000. Especially if you had parents who went out and bought them fukk ass Encyclopedia Britannica tomes back in the 90's.

 

[Address_Unknown]

Your writing style is a lil confusing to follow, but not too bad friend

Phone convo fukked me up, i'll try again in a minute

Wavering between using Caribbean dialect for the convos, 90's hip hop slang for the narrative. shyt is a bit all over the place. In the morning I'll tidy everything up and prolly add translations/different wording to more confusing sentences and speech that only the Caribbean Coli Brehs might pick up, Condolences for now.

 

[Address_Unknown]

Those tags

Decided to delete like half of 'em, introducing new ones whenever I drop another part.

Where are you from, G?

BVI. You prolly heard about us in the news for a minute with that Panama Papers shyt.

 

[Kwéyòl]

Let me tag the island man

@Fonsworth @Sauce God

Dats a lotta reading mane

 

[Address_Unknown]

Spoiler: Part 2

Aight, day of the date, Saturday, A dude ain't thinking 'bout no goddamned Playstation or waiting 'till my folks go to work early morning so I can beat my dikk to a battery of 30 second, grainy buffering clips of half a titty set to 16bit moaning on Realplayer , ain't thinking about hitting them Msn Chatrooms and throwing no Roleplaying DBZ Fades'n'shyt..I'm thinking about this goddamned date...and her. *Cue Awww Track* So I'm on my bed, hyper ventilating with virgin excitement

, trying not to let my self get too carried away 'cause even back then a breh kept his expectations deeply rooted in Gravitas, so I'm making a mental spread sheet of what all I need done.

The ride.
Now while I done told oldboy my aunt would drop us, truth is, I wasn't about to ask her Fo' shyt 'cause she would have told my mom's, then she and my moms would have gotten to gossiping on my ass, nope. I'm a man with a few strands of curly baby hairs on my nuts, , I'm a sort one of my older cousins out 'cause I know they'd be more conducive to cheeks gettin' and would do all they can to help a breh out on some vicarious fukking shyt. So I check one of my fave cousins, tell him the run down and he's all like and proceeds to give me a detailed run down on how many holes the goddamned Vagina has, How to eat p*ssy,

(Dude actually demonstrated on a goddamned Papaya, brehs....so demonic) Telling me to don't panic if I get drowned (Caribbean slang for the hot dog down the hallway scenario), started badgering me if she got an older sister our cousin...I'm like "Breh...can you give me a ride? That's all I really need from your skunt!" He like, I got you, no problem and I give him the details.

Aight, ride sorted, I'm feeling "In there like Swimwear" 'cause I done eliminated the biggest problem, transportation. Worse case scenario, pops looming around to see who's driving, Now I always been a cautious breh and prone to planning (Overplanning sometimes) shyt ahead so I got all my bases covered, so I decide that I'm going to have to make small talk with Pops, work him over with my little boy charm (#Pause) and then finagle in the fact that it's my cousin dropping us since my Aunt wasn't available, that way he don't leave going "That boy ain't say he aunt picking them up? Who is that man?" and then I get hit with the when I bring her back and set my good boy image back. fukk that, so I got my ride set, going over topics of small talk for pops in my mental for the evening, done slipped about 50$ out of my savings'n'shyt, Ironed a pair of these stupid shyts

Spoiler

and a buttoned down shirt...fukk it, I done got all my pieces in place and I'm feeling confident about my caper.

So Movie's at 8, but I'm giving myself a broad ass window to set all my pieces in motion to get this fukkery locomotive running, Hit his house around 6, done spritzed myself with some generic Cowboy themed Musk shyt my dad had, with a little Stetson hat on the top, dressed in my shyts, smelling like people (Caribbean slang for smelling good). So we in his room, I made sure I hit him with my plan, the times I need him to pick us up, drop us off and all that, so we on the same page (Cellphones weren't common place for us back then, especially if you was in school and I didn't want to got to search for a payphone 'cause I done seen some shyt go down in them boxes) So we kick until 7:20, He drops me off at her house and I tell him to go burnouts around the roundabout until 7:45 and scoop us up. So I hit the door and I'm face to face with this jaundiced looking motherfukker.

Spoiler

(In all Fairness, Joseph Kony could blend right in the Island of St Vincent since he looks like an island dude's once rum bubbling uncle who only gets high off god'n'shyt now. So I'm at the door, going into full ass kissing mode, done got my bible anecdotes on lock and all my "Sirs" are Weapons grade sharp.

Him: "Boy, why the fetch you smell like my grandfather??, anyways, come in come in!"
Me Thinking(fukk ass pops and this cheap, got it at the mall Broke Back Fragrance.)
Woman in the back ground " Oh that's the boy? Like he can't wait tuh get she out di house!"
Me "........."Nah, I just want to get there early...plus woman does take time to get dress and put on all kinda fanciness. Ain't nothing fancy about this...plus Beth ain't no woman yet....sir."

Him "Yeah man, you right. Woman always gah do all kinda last minute muck before they get dress. Hair gah fi do, clothes gah mek if them ain't buy, shoes gah find..man come inside..come inside, yuh got a little wait."

So to the untrained eye it looks like I'm wiping the shyt out of my shoes on the mat infront the doorjamb in an attempt at being respectful when in all honesty I'm just there with my head bowed, buying time quietly believing in myself'n'shyt before I venture into the Lion's den..

So I step inside, hit the living room and he on one of them single couch chairs, watching Cricket and I'm there standing by the edge of a long couch like "Can I sit sir?" he like "Yeah man sid'dung, sid'dung, You does ask permission for everything, eh?"
Me *fukkery sense tingling...calculating a witty yet respectful response...* " If you was in my house, you'd do the same sir, I gah to show you the same respect you'd no doubtly show me." .......
Him: "Right Right, manners will take you far, you know. Glad to see you gah. I sure you does only do that when parents about though."
Me " *Fool trying to bait me with this shyt*........"Well..sir it ain't make no sense lie to you, 'cause you been a boy same way like me, when you with your pana them, you get into trouble, cause mischief, gather learning experiences and hopefully live long enough to put that towards being an adult....sir."

Him: "Right Right But wait...why you talking so big? Little boy like you talking like this, like you in a movie? You's a actor, boy?"
Me mentally (shyt shyt shyt shyt shyt shyt!)

Me : "Not really sir, from young I been a reader. Dr Suess book, Boysie and the Ginneps, Anansi, Clould wid the silver lining (I'm pretty much rattling off all the primary school literature a breh had to read during back in the day.)

Him : "Ok, Ok, good good. Is good you does read man. Alot of kids today don't read, nah wan do nutting. All them do is play Nintendo ( Most every Caribbean parent calls any console a 'Nintendo' and a handheld a Gameboy, regardless of the era.) and get into trouble. Bad kinda trouble..."

Me *Nod Nod* "Yes sir, so true."
Then he hit me with the.
Him " Young man (Uh-oh. I went from Boy to Young man again...shyt upgrading, fukk 'bout to get serious) For all the reading you does do....you does read the Bible?"

*Pause* - Commentary. "Now we all been around Holy Rollers and the like, right? People who is Christians and does use almost every conversational topic or avenue to pull you into a word about our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ..now that's cool but this dude got that sanctimonious way of talking about religion and shyt like he gah stocks in that fukk, like he JUST get saved, throw out all he reggae and soca and can't stop listening to gospel music and reading he bible, and that's cool too, but these types does want to hit you over the head with it so they can either recruit you or damn you to hell for not being saved already..so I catching that vibes from big man, but I done note that he LOVES when you agree with him, chime in and let himself talk...so I done pick my play and is time to snap the ball.*

*Hike*
Me: *Clears throat* "Well sir, I done tell you I does read alot, but is story I like most; The bible gah some real good stories too. From Sunday school come up you hear all kinda story, from Adam and Eve and how them get cast out for disobeying god, Noah and the Ark and about how you must follow god instruction regardless of who laugh at you for it, Moses and the Flood a story about believing in the power of god, Jonah and the whale etc. learn all of them through story book and what's not, but I getting older, so now is the Bible I gah read and I looking to do so in it's entirety. From Genesis come down, but all the old timey english does throw you off and while each scripture relevant in all facets of life (When I hit him with the facets of life he and I'm thinking "Fool, don't start using big words he might not catch, Some Caribbean adults does get hot when you show off education in them face 'cause they drop out of school to go do fukkery and working menial ass jobs not knowing words like 'fluctuate' and 'reprimand' 'n'shyt.) I got to take my time with it..but it's a slow and steady journey, meen going lie...You read it sir? How far you reach? How it going?"
He hit me with the.
" You right man, is a big read. I reading too man! don't worry, I reading too, same like you!"
Me thinking (.....Yuh fukka you... You thumping that bible, you ain't reading shyt, fresh out the water baptized middemstep wah get on holier than thou 'cause you saved...)
Me in actuality "It is, sir. It is. Well, I'll keep reading, same as you."

So seeing as to how I done seemingly impress him with the fact that I does read, wha I does read, does read the bible (Talked about Shadrach, Meshach and Abendigo, Daniel in the Lion's den, Jonah with him and all that, so we been talking for a solid chunk of time) so now I'm trying to deflect shyt off of religion and it's almost time for my cousin to come through so I'm like.

Me "I smell perfume...she must be finished, we should be going soon anyways, sir."
Him. "Alright, Young man. How long this movie going to be? How long ayo going to be out? Is straight back home y'all coming (He Said that shyt, didn't ask)."
Me. "I'd say give it a ball park figure of 2 and a half hours, sir. Movie suppose to start 8, it gah previews, movie might run an hour and change...we should be back before midnight, if anything extra curricular (fukking smart ass words again.) happen, I'll be sure to call and inform you, sir, is my cousin dropping us since my aunt was tied up for the evening." (Dude didn't even think twice on that shyt, so I was feeling like all this small talk was for nothing, but in retrospect, it helped me later on with this bullshyt since I established that good boy image with him and his wife)

Him " Alright Young man (Upgraded!) let me don't keep ayo young people from having y'all fun. Don't forget the time, that watch on your wrist does work, right?"

Me "Yes sir, pleasure to meet you and your wife (Mom's a chubby yellowbone woman who gave off a more free, yet playfull air than this dude, but I'll save my interaction with her for the other part if I'm allowed to tie all this up) I step up and shake dude's hand (Hard, Broad, Calloused. Dude definitely know his way around a machete and a sugar cane row) and in steps Beth, regular Jean pants, white low tops, Flannel shirt looking shyts (I'm not one for describing clothes, so paint your own picture on that), covered up, looking civil.

Beth "You and my dad was down here talking 'bout Cricket?" (.... this bytch...)
Me "Nah Nah, we was talking about reading, the good book, and how much man should respect each other lest we all fall into madness"
Her " "Well, we gone movies. See ayo later tonite."
So we hit outside and my Cousin's literally parked in the fukking bush, before the apartment entrance and I'm waving to this fool with my back turned to the fam to come across 'cause I needed homedude to see me put her in that car incase I had to make up a lie about car trouble if shyt got thick. My cousin pulls in, scoops us up infront of the apartment, turns around and heads out.
Now I should note that she was in the front, I was in the back. Like the minute we turn the bend and out of distance of that apartment building, she unbuckles and climbs in the backseat with a breh, car ain't stop, nothing. I'm like " he like ". I'm looking forward, trying to play it cool and I'm here "Zzzzzrrrrrrt...." *In my mind*"What's goin on......This chick has her hips up in the air and she tugging her damn pants off!

Spoiler

.... Sorry for being a tease, but part 3 might not be on it's way until tomorrow since I got plans tonite and that shyt involves Loud and Alcohol so I ain't going to be in no proper state to even begin to try and recall shyt from 15 years ago, much less 5 minutes. I will not treat y'all like that dude from Game of Thrones and leave y'all twisting in the wind. Cheers.