Why do men get vulnerable after she leaves?

[BrehWyatt]

So if you marry her, sure but the gf or actual friend, then no?

If we're in a committed relationship (GF, fiance, wife) then I'd be quick to tell her, assuming she's demonstrated that I can count on her in that fashion. I wouldn't particularly like it (pride/masculinity) but if anybody is supposed to be in my corner and hold me down during the bullshyt, it's wifey. It'd be difficult to get out of my own way initially, but why wouldn't I let her be there for me especially when I need her?

Ideally, it'd never get to the point where I'm fukking up the relationship because I can't get through something and just now decided to open up. At the very least, it'd be a, "Alright, look ... such and such is happening so if I'm not all the way here with you, that's why. I'm trying to get through it but it's rough."

Actual friend? They'd find out eventually.

 

[Derekjackson2]

Rarely is there not something going on. Bills, work, family issues, or the kids always are going to stress a man out. We deal with it but women take it too personal.

 

[m0rninggl0ry]

Rarely is there not something going on. Bills, work, family issues, or the kids always are going to stress a man out. We deal with it but women take it too personal.

Every man is different. But who wouldn't take it personal?

 

[Sonny Bonds]

Y'all the same ones to call us soft

And the guy she tells you not to worry about isn't being all vulnerable when he's working on smashing.

 

[Black Magisterialness]

I never ask a man to be vulnerable with me right away when I first meet him. However, in our relationship if I sense some internal shyt is going on with him and he doesn't say anything and if it gets in his way, including our relationship, I leave.

At that point, he tells me what's going on with him. Why?

I understand there are layers when it comes to black men and women, relationships and emotions.

Lets have a healthy and CLEAR discussion. Ladies, chime in too.

@BonitaChelz @Preacher @MansaMusa @Paradise @Ask a Stupid Question @Woman of God @Barnett114 @Thomas

Here's the thing. There's a TON of shyt that a dude could be thinking about that's internal that doesn't involve the relationship. The best thing for you to do is be supportive and ask if he wants to just chill or talk. You can't just dip because someone has issues, we all got issues. And especially black people we carrying so much baggage from our (usually) fukked up caste that we tend to close off vulnerability because we'd be crippled into inaction or depression.

Most of us don't realize that things are becoming a problem until someone mentions it. So you have to communicate things that COULD BECOME problems. If you see that he spends too much time in the casino...don't wait until he fukking blows the baby college fund. Break it down to him the first couple months of the relationship. If he doesn't want to hear all that THEN leave.

But the door should ALWAYS be open. And the biggest thing is you CANNOT flip out if the thing thats bothering him...is you. If you truly want to communicate you have to take your feelings outside of it and just listen. More often times than not the issue can be solved.

Things can get personal BUT you have to remove yourself from "he's talking shyt about ME" and frame it as "this is what he needs to make US" work...

Not "me"...."us". That is how you don't take it personally.

 

[*Angel*]

.
#1 show of emotions is seen as a sign of weakness

#2 is a thin line between a woman being turned off to you low key and being healthy. Women like strong confident men that appear to be invulnerable or at least project that. As soon as a man opens up to a woman about his insecurities not only is it used against us for a lot of women they are like. "I really need a man thats...." lowkey.



#3 we really don't understand how bad it is until its over, not that fake semi breakup...but you know the FINAL straw. Then we unleash everything in a hail mary play. That goes back to #1 and #2 tho.

Not in a relationship. Unless your a robot, there's no way your woman is not going to see your vulnerability. If you can't confide in her like a best friend that's a problem.

 

[The Mad Titan]

Also this is a MUCH bigger thing in younger black communities. Black men have been stereotyped in to the strong silent type.

It's not good.


And that's why as men if you come across a woman that you can open up to and she can to you as well and you both grow as people cherish it and don't let go. Especially black couples. A woman that respect you and your authority even with your vulnerabilities and short comings is a keeper.

 

[™BlackPearl The Empress™]

I never ask a man to be vulnerable with me right away when I first meet him. However, in our relationship if I sense some internal shyt is going on with him and he doesn't say anything and if it gets in his way, including our relationship, I leave.

At that point, he tells me what's going on with him. Why?

I understand there are layers when it comes to black men and women, relationships and emotions.

Lets have a healthy and CLEAR discussion. Ladies, chime in too.

@BonitaChelz @Preacher @MansaMusa @Paradise @Ask a Stupid Question @Woman of God @Barnett114 @Thomas

I find that men tend to love harder and more consistently than women. One of the reasons for this is because men limit their emotional expressions and tend to reserve expressing their deeper feelings for partner ie they only confide in their partners. To answer the question, men usually aren't comfortable expressing emotions so if he "doesn't know you like that" or they don't feel comfortable enough with you then...well...they won't readily express themselves.

 

[The Mad Titan]

Not in a relationship. Unless your a robot, there's no way your woman is not going to see your vulnerability. If you can't confide in her like a best friend that's a problem.

I agree and hence why you see so many failed relationships but #1 leads into #2 which goes into #3 that ultimately goes back around to 1 and 2.

 

[prince_peoples]

isn't that just some young shyt?

as i got older i felt a lot more comfortable sharing my emotions with zero fukks given.

 

[The Mad Titan]

I find that men tend to love harder and more consistently than women. One of the reasons for this is because men limit their emotional expressions and tend to reserve expressing their deeper feelings for partner ie they only confide in their partners. To answer the question, men usually aren't comfortable expressing emotions so if he "doesn't know you like that" or they don't feel comfortable enough with you then...well...they won't readily express themselves.

Your right also, alot of men myself included have really cared for exes. I remember fighting with an ex trying to explain like can't you tell I care for you Like what more do I have to do. But in hindsight I really didn't say, express or talk about my feelings like that too much. I was just like "yeah i love you" when asked But on the inside I def cared more than I let on.




Even now its a struggle, because men def love harder than women when we lock one down and really choose her. Like you said its not like we get to express that freely or consistently so it all comes pouring out when we do choose.

isn't that just some young shyt?

as i got older i felt a lot more comfortable sharing my emotions with zero fukks given.

It def is

 

[*Angel*]

I agree and hence why you see so many failed relationships but #1 leads into #2 which goes into #3 that ultimately goes back around to 1 and 2.

Ohhh...I gotcha. =)

 

[Black Magisterialness]

isn't that just some young shyt?

as i got older i felt a lot more comfortable sharing my emotions with zero fukks given.

This.

And not just that...its just harder to move me emotionally period. Things that made me pissed when I was 20 just have no affect on me usually.

I spend MUCH more time in a state of slightly pleased ambivalence.

This comes mostly because as you age you just have less time/energy for other people's drama.

 

[Sandy_Cheeks]

Yep. We are born and bred to hold everything in, be strong, be the man and leader of the house/relationship, and any signs of vulnerability is a sign of weakness etc.

It takes a while for us men to let our pride guard down

True. But once y'all put that pride aside it's in the relationship.

 

[Tryna Makit]

Better question......Why is Vulnerability and emotional openness an attractive trait in men?

Not trollin just want an answer.....because the last 3 women ive dealt with had to get dealt with
Fukk you wanna know what make me cry for??
A nikka shed a tear watching Fruitvale Station and I swear shorty was bout to jump on me in the dam theatre

#TeamStoic