Religion/Spirituality The official Bizarre Bible Stories Thread

[CASHAPP]

It's funny, all those charismatic and evangelical churches do one or both of the first two, but nobody wants to try that last one.

 

[Type Username Here]

Let me pray to Yahweh and Jesus to give me the STRENGTH to pass and succeed in my Calculus 2 this semester.

Ahh Calculus 2 aka death of your social life.

 

[CASHAPP]

I can't believe all of us forget this.......


You remember how folks were living to be 900+ years old early on in the bible?

 

[Robbie3000]

Leviticus 14:33-57.

Yehweh seems to believe that a House(not household) but an actual house can contract leprosy. in such a case, here is his prescription for curing the house of leprosy.

And he shall take to cleanse the house two birds, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:

50 And he shall kill the one of the birds in an earthen vessel over running water:

51 And he shall take the cedar wood, and the hyssop, and the scarlet, and the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird, and in the running water, and sprinkle the house seven times:

52 And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird, and with the running water, and with the living bird, and with the cedar wood, and with the hyssop, and with the scarlet:

53 But he shall let go the living bird out of the city into the open fields, and make an atonement for the house: and it shall be clean.

 

[you're NOT "n!ggas"]

i been waiting for a thread like this

5 But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession. 2 And he kept back part of the proceeds, his wife also being aware of it, and brought a certain part and laid it at the apostles’ feet. 3 But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and keep back part of the price of the land for yourself? 4 While it remained, was it not your own? And after it was sold, was it not in your own control? Why have you conceived this thing in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God.”

5 Then Ananias, hearing these words, fell down and breathed his last. So great fear came upon all those who heard these things. 6 And the young men arose and wrapped him up, carried him out, and buried him.

7 Now it was about three hours later when his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8 And Peter answered her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much?”

She said, “Yes, for so much.”

9 Then Peter said to her, “How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Look, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out.” 10 Then immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last. And the young men came in and found her dead, and carrying her out, buried her by her husband. 11 So great fear came upon all the church and upon all who heard these things.

15 And Simon Peter followed Jesus, and so did another[a] disciple. Now that disciple was known to the high priest, and went with Jesus into the courtyard of the high priest. 16 But Peter stood at the door outside. Then the other disciple, who was known to the high priest, went out and spoke to her who kept the door, and brought Peter in. 17 Then the servant girl who kept the door said to Peter, “You are not also one of this Man’s disciples, are you?”

He said, “I am not.”

18 Now the servants and officers who had made a fire of coals stood there, for it was cold, and they warmed themselves. And Peter stood with them and warmed himself.

25 Now Simon Peter stood and warmed himself. Therefore they said to him, “You are not also one of His disciples, are you?”

He denied it and said, “I am not!”

26 One of the servants of the high priest, a relative of him whose ear Peter cut off, said, “Did I not see you in the garden with Him?” 27 Peter then denied again; and immediately a rooster crowed.

so ananias and sapphira lie to peter about how much money THEY earned for THEIR property... seems minor but


peter is one of jesus' right hand men and lies about even KNOWING the nikka, not once, not twice, but THREE DAMN TIMES and his only punishment is "cock-a-doodle doo"???

 

[Robbie3000]

i been waiting for a thread like this









so ananias and sapphira lie to peter about how much money THEY earned for THEIR property... seems minor but


peter is one of jesus' right hand men and lies about even KNOWING the nikka, not once, not twice, but THREE DAMN TIMES and his only punishment is "cock-a-doodle doo"???

we ignore the fukkery in the New Testament.

 

[CASHAPP]

we ignore the fukkery in the New Testament.

The biggest one of all......that boy Jesus only appearing to Mary Magdalene(or whoever it was) when he "resurrected" and then all of sudden when other people came to see.......he was not able to be seen.

Hmm i wonder why.....



Seriously the the New Testament to me seems like they realized they said some crazy ass shyt in the "First edition" and said "Yo my dude ......lets tone it down in part 2"


So they decided to make the resurrection as one of the few weird ass things in part 2. I still lmao inside when folks shyt on muslims so much and their god.....and also the Hindu God,etc like they aren't as laughable as Jehova.....


Those southern preachers are even more hilarious with their fukkery





Most hilarious thing is when women(again its not a coincidence women are the most religous) catch the holy ghost:

 

[intilectual recipricol]

Lets talk about one of the only niccaz in the bible that I honor: Judas "The Gawd" Iscariot...

Now how did this great man die?

(Matthew 27:3-8) - "Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, 4saying, "I have sinned by betraying innocent blood." But they said, "What is that to us? See to that yourself!" 5And he threw the pieces of silver into the sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself. 6And the chief priests took the pieces of silver and said, "It is not lawful to put them into the temple treasury, since it is the price of blood." 7And they counseled together and with the money bought the Potter’s Field as a burial place for strangers. 8For this reason that field has been called the Field of Blood to this day."

but of course that Mr Magoo ass nicca Jehovah can never get shyt right...

(Acts 1:16-19) - "Brethren, the Scripture had to be fulfilled, which the Holy Spirit foretold by the mouth of David concerning Judas, who became a guide to those who arrested Jesus. 17"For he was counted among us, and received his portion in this ministry." 18(Now this man acquired a field with the price of his wickedness; and falling headlong, he burst open in the middle and all his bowels gushed out. 19And it became known to all who were living in Jerusalem; so that in their own language that field was called Hakeldama, that is, Field of Blood.)"

so this nicca hung himself the fell headlong releasing his bowels or did his bowels fall out then he decided to hang himself?

Or the most likely one... this book is full of and they fukced up

 

[Mowgli]

@Mowgli is a closet homo masking his urges for culo blasting by calling everyone fakkits. The biggest homophobes are usually the ones that turn out to be gay.

Come out the closet breh.

and lol @ protocol's breakdown of the Sampson story.

Any man who defends a fakkit, is one. Your heterosexuality just plummeted by 50 percent.

 

[Mowgli]

This Yahweh. @Mowgli explain this.

No problem God gave Moses and Aaron specific instructions that the Kohathites were not to touch the ark. Specifically telling them that if it was touched by the dudes they told to deliver it, they would die. The ark is that holy. It cannot be touched by these people. These cats had the ark on some raggedy ass wagon. The mule/ox whatever it was did a little studder step or shook or did some movement that i guess made them think the ark was unstable. Uzzah, thinking the ark was going to fall felt the need to put his filthy hands on it i guess thinking it needed to be steadied. For that, he was destroyed because he disobeyed a direct order from God not to touch the Ark, which was on a high level in terms of holiness.

Obey God. Hes not playin with you.

 

[88m3]

No problem God gave Moses and Aaron specific instructions that the Kohathites were not to touch the ark. Specifically telling them that if it was touched by the dudes they told to deliver it, they would die. The ark is that holy. It cannot be touched by these people. These cats had the ark on some raggedy ass wagon. The mule/ox whatever it was did a little studder step or shook or did some movement that disturbed the ark. Uzzah, thinking the ark was going to fall felt the need to try to keep the ark from falling down and put his filthy hands on it. For that, he was destroyed because he disobeyed a direct order from God not to touch the Ark, which was on a high level in terms of holiness.

Obey God. Hes not playin with you.

Aaron's a fakkit

 

[Mowgli]

Aaron's a fakkit

Nah, but you are, faq.

 

[the mechanic]

No problem God gave Moses and Aaron specific instructions that the Kohathites were not to touch the ark. Specifically telling them that if it was touched by the dudes they told to deliver it, they would die. The ark is that holy. It cannot be touched by these people. These cats had the ark on some raggedy ass wagon. The mule/ox whatever it was did a little studder step or shook or did some movement that i guess made them think the ark was unstable. Uzzah, thinking the ark was going to fall felt the need to put his filthy hands on it i guess thinking it needed to be steadied. For that, he was destroyed because he disobeyed a direct order from God not to touch the Ark, which was on a high level in terms of holiness.

Obey God. Hes not playin with you.

your God kills people for merely touching his stuff but king david commits murder and adultery and gets a pass

wow

 

[Mowgli]

your God kills people for merely touching his stuff but king david commits murder and adultery and gets a pass

wow

Well Gods specific instruction for those people who were carrying the ark was to not touch it. One of them did and was destroyed for disobeying a direct instruction. Its important to remember that if God tells you, i will kill you if you touch the ark due to its holy importance, and you do it, you are either showing contempt for God, a lack of faith in God and or are desacrating one of his holy items.

David on the other hand was a man who loved God with all his heart, meditated on Gods words and always shouted his praises and thanks to him. When David sinned he immediately confessed and repented to God what he did and God told him that he could have a pass because he came forward with it because the Lord knew his heart and knew that that man truely loved him and had a moment of weakness.

You cant apply your inferior logic to God. David had a much better track record to get that pass than the man who disobeyed a direct order mere moments after being instructed of impending doom for disobeying.


You think its fun and games to be disrespectful about God but hopefully you dont have to learn the hard way, like Uzzah did.

 

[Robbie3000]

Well Gods specific instruction for those people who were carrying the ark was to not touch it. One of them did and was destroyed for disobeying a direct instruction. Its important to remember that if God tells you, i will kill you if you touch the ark due to its holy importance, and you do it, you are either showing contempt for God, a lack of faith in God and or are desacrating one of his holy items.

David on the other hand was a man who loved God with all his heart, meditated on Gods words and always shouted his praises and thanks to him. When David sinned he immediately confessed and repented to God what he did and God told him that he could have a pass because he came forward with it because the Lord knew his heart and knew that that man truely loved him and had a moment of weakness.

You cant apply your inferior logic to God. David had a much better track record to get that pass than the man who disobeyed a direct order mere moments after being instructed of impending doom for disobeying.


You think its fun and games to be disrespectful about God but hopefully you dont have to learn the hard way, like Uzzah did.

So how did they get the Ark on the cart in the first place? How were they going to get it down?

the arbitrary violent nature of Yahweh.