I hold no resentment its just my battle is I don't know if its possible for Me to love or express my feelings like I want to and psst experiences have molded this view

Man this thread is IMPOSSIBLE to keep up with.
I don't see how you guys do it.
Start from the last page and read in that direction.Start from the last page and read in that direction.
Thats exactly what I do.Personal but I don't give a damn
The Things I Struggle With Part 1 – Restoring the Faith
The wonderful thing about writing is that I can express myself and the way I feel without sugar-coating or worrying about what others may think. This is my life, my thoughts, my experiences, my battles and I’m not perfect. There are still areas in my life that I am working on trying to destroy the misanthropist inside and one of them is that I don’t know if I can love the way I want to love/express my feelings the way I want to express and to always expect disappointment and this is my conundrum – assessing the pros/cons of displaying my affections no matter how diminutive they may be towards another individual.
I remember being bitter/cold/semi-emotionless inside but still in the game so to speak. I guess my personality and standoffish ways gave off an aura of mystery that would constantly attract, sort of like I posted a casting call ad for a role in my life. I would meet a new woman, she would try so hard to show me how special I am to her, gifts, words of affection, how the stars aligned and we are meant to be together. How she’s not like that, how she cares about me, gasp even loves me. The faces would change but the script would remain the same…….so what are we? Do you love me yet? Do you care about me? How come you never tell me how you feel about me/us? And my retort would always be words are just words I’m here aren't I? While in my mind I would just think let’s see how you feel when the novelty wears off.
Maybe they meant what they said at the time, but fast forward and all those I love you, I never met anyone like you, I promise... were totally irrelevant and dispersed into the meaningless. As time and time again I was proven right once the initial glow wore off – as the business/coldness showed up, demotion of a priority to an option, the distancing, dwindling of communication and then the eradication/silence. Oddly it never really bothered me meh; I used to write in advance on when my sixth sense picked up the slow fade out just to look back and be like yup I was right I called it correctly. Because when it came down to it I’m just not a person who gets caught up so to speak. I have only loved two women in my life, had strong feelings for four, expressed feelings to three and unequivocally only trusted two.
And this is the quandary I am at in life at the moment, I guess lacking in faith. The doubting Thomas, the its -30 outside my skates are tied, but I still won’t step on the icy pond yet even though everyone is out on it having fun and its sound and secure. Thankfully I have diagnosed my struggle and I’m working on it, hopefully one day I will be proved wrong.


Do you think the burden of not trusting anyone eventually shows to the person you are/did date, hence them eventually stop trying to pursue something serious and further with you?
Great writing by the way.
Possibly
But its not like I was so distant a a$$hole or something I just didn't utter phrases
Like gosh damn I drove a hour on snowy roads , you think I don't care?
But it seemed to always be the same song and dance infatuation period couldn't get enough of the scarf, once it died down same act and routine.
Its kind of like to me the friend who always vocally says yeah I got your back don't worry but when you need him he's nowhere to be seen, while folks you didn't think you could count on are the ones who care.
Its messed up but I'm working on it, but I read people so well that its like I have a time machine and already know what's going to occur.
Even the last chick I was talking to, she's like I'm always scared your going to cut me off and I said I promise I won't, more than likely you'll stop talking to me and she's like no I won't I'd never do that
And what do you know I was right again.
I think both men and women need to go through a dating phase. I'm not saying anything about a "ho phase". I don't believe in the ho phase. I just think it's best for everyone to get out there and date and meet different types of people. This will help you realize what you might want when it's time to settle down.
People who try to settle down too early often complain about not knowing what else is out there. This creates conflict. People who wait too long to settle down are going to end up with scraps. You need to date.
how old are you?
im nearly 30 and its literally trash out there that are available, ive seen 28 year old women already divorced and ish its crazy
but I'm not worried about that right now because I still look and feel young. I don't go after any particular age group I think it's all a case by case scenario.