GoGetMyDamnBelt_
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What's your breaking point in a relationship/marriage?
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BaldingSoHard
Banned
Yea somethin' was up yesterday. Wasn't able to quote messages. ANyway no we weren't married.
GoGetMyDamnBelt_
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Ah.. okay.
GoGetMyDamnBelt_
All Star
So, I gave him that heart to heart convo. Thing is, since the very beginning he was the type to give his extra income to his family. "If I have it then I can give it, I never asked you to come out of your pockets to give my family." That was his response. I'm trying to explain to him that once we're married, our home is our only priority, he can't care for 2 homes. "As long as I pay whatever bill that needs to be paid, you can't tell me nothing. The extras, I can give to them." Again, is what he quoted. Him and his family eat off eachother and I tell him, that can't happen. His excuse is when he needs it, his own mother would tap into her rent money and give to him if she has too but with all that extra income after bills are paid, if it was saved in the bank, that wouldn't need to happen. The cycle got to end somewhere.
He keeps telling me he not gonna turn his back on his family just because I want to sit on money. Told him if I want to have the option to pay rent months ahead, I should but I can't because what's left over is being given to support his family. He's making me feel like the vilian here when that's not the case. I'm trying to express to him that our plan is to get a house in 2 years, save up for a trip out of the country later on this year but he says "when the time comes, I'll just give a check away," not thinking about how that will disrupt the bill flow for the month. He's not getting it.
I transferred out of state back in July, from FL to Philly, he didn't come because he wanted to continue making money just in case I ever fall short. I told him just quit his job and come, he didn't. He got offered jobs in Philly, he didn't take them. I was living there for 3 months before asking my job to let me transfer to GA. At least it'll be closer to home without actually being in FL, 2 months now and still not here. So I lived a total of 5 months without him and began to realize... I don't need him. I may want him here, at this point, but I don't need him. So he got offered a job here in GA that he plans on taking, last I remember when we last spoke. He's suppose to be here in a week but after having that conversation a few days ago, I told him once he's up here he gotta get with it or get lost. I can't continue to settle with no saving because he wanna be Captain Save a Bro with his family.
He sucked his teeth and said "as long as I have it, I will give. I'm not asking you to come out your pockets for it so this shouldn't even be a problem.".... he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get that we're one so what he does hurts us both... Sad to say, I didn't feel any remorse when I told him if he do decides to come up here to go and find his self a one bedroom because he's not coming to me. I didn't feel sad to say I wanna end this with him because he will continue to penalize our household to feed another... shyt happens
Outside baby would be
This happened to my cousin years ago, I remember going to his wedding and everything when I was like 13. I was naive back then bout marriage and stuff, thought that when you got married all that other shyt shut down but she turned out to be a whore. Chick fukked around on my cousin and got pregnant by another dude. He was pretty messed up about it for a couple years but he rebounded.
So, I gave him that heart to heart convo. Thing is, since the very beginning he was the type to give his extra income to his family. "If I have it then I can give it, I never asked you to come out of your pockets to give my family." That was his response. I'm trying to explain to him that once we're married, our home is our only priority, he can't care for 2 homes. "As long as I pay whatever bill that needs to be paid, you can't tell me nothing. The extras, I can give to them." Again, is what he quoted. Him and his family eat off eachother and I tell him, that can't happen. His excuse is when he needs it, his own mother would tap into her rent money and give to him if she has too but with all that extra income after bills are paid, if it was saved in the bank, that wouldn't need to happen. The cycle got to end somewhere.
He keeps telling me he not gonna turn his back on his family just because I want to sit on money. Told him if I want to have the option to pay rent months ahead, I should but I can't because what's left over is being given to support his family. He's making me feel like the vilian here when that's not the case. I'm trying to express to him that our plan is to get a house in 2 years, save up for a trip out of the country later on this year but he says "when the time comes, I'll just give a check away," not thinking about how that will disrupt the bill flow for the month. He's not getting it.
I transferred out of state back in July, from FL to Philly, he didn't come because he wanted to continue making money just in case I ever fall short. I told him just quit his job and come, he didn't. He got offered jobs in Philly, he didn't take them. I was living there for 3 months before asking my job to let me transfer to GA. At least it'll be closer to home without actually being in FL, 2 months now and still not here. So I lived a total of 5 months without him and began to realize... I don't need him. I may want him here, at this point, but I don't need him. So he got offered a job here in GA that he plans on taking, last I remember when we last spoke. He's suppose to be here in a week but after having that conversation a few days ago, I told him once he's up here he gotta get with it or get lost. I can't continue to settle with no saving because he wanna be Captain Save a Bro with his family.
He sucked his teeth and said "as long as I have it, I will give. I'm not asking you to come out your pockets for it so this shouldn't even be a problem.".... he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get that we're one so what he does hurts us both... Sad to say, I didn't feel any remorse when I told him if he do decides to come up here to go and find his self a one bedroom because he's not coming to me. I didn't feel sad to say I wanna end this with him because he will continue to penalize our household to feed another... shyt happens
Hmmmmmm
You are dealing with two things...
You are dealing with a man who loves his family and has it ingrained that he needs to help and support them because they have done the same for him, a man's bond with is mother especially, is a hard bond to wedge, even if your intentions are good he is automatically going to get defensive because as ALOT of men feel (and I'm speaking as black man here) your parents are the only two people who you can say "were with you shooting in the gym", I.E. They were there and supported you throughout your successes and failures.
I'm going to be honest, you probably are not going to win that battle by painting his generosity towards his family in a negative fashion. Have you tried compromising with him? For instance let's say if he's giving $200 to his family, could he instead give $100, and the other $100 towards savings? That's not unreasonable at all and would allow him to "give back" while still respecting you and your plans.
Secondly the whole "transferring states" thing seems hazy to me. Was he already working his job for years, building his career, and then you got an offer, decided to pursue it. And just automatically wanted him to quit his job and follow you? Because THAT would be be a major point of contention. Did he know well in advance? Had you two already communicated about moving? I need more detail about this
GoGetMyDamnBelt_
All Star
He's not willing to compromise and this isn't the first time we had this conversation. This was a conversation I had to put my foot down on though and he's doesn't take me serious. For the last year our relationship has been rocky, it's been hot & cold from damages that was done years prior so I had one foot out the door but was willing to work some more to fix what needs fixing. But when will enough actually be enough?
The job he was at, he been there 5 years. It was his first job. There was no advancement. He was working the same position he was working in when he first got hired. Of course I took in consideration if he wanted to leave and also remembered he always talked about going somewhere better because there hasn't been advanced opportunities for him. I told him about the transfer the day I got the call which was 4 months before having to report there.
@SweetDelightxx that's pretty messed up he won't sacrifice for you. Have you tried marriage counselling? I'm absolutely not saying you should leave but I couldn't put up with that. I understand helping family when times get rough but they're not children. Is your husband a first generation American or immigrant by any chance? I noticed people from immigrant families have this extreme loyalty to family, which is great BUT it goes too far. My mom is Jamaican and is the same way with her family. Always sending grown people money she doesn't really have when they should be working.
To answer the original question (with my limited relationship experience lol): infidelity. I guess I could forgive but I would never trust you again. Also different financial values (i.e. frugal versus big spender). Another one that I've recently discovered is lack of desire to travel. We don't have to spend a lot but let's go and experience something different once in awhile.
To answer the original question (with my limited relationship experience lol): infidelity. I guess I could forgive but I would never trust you again. Also different financial values (i.e. frugal versus big spender). Another one that I've recently discovered is lack of desire to travel. We don't have to spend a lot but let's go and experience something different once in awhile.
Yo man chill. Its too early for me to start reliving some shyt. Turned me cold as hell and really hard to trust anyone anymore. I don't mind the money being spent I can always get that back but my time can't be replaced and thats what hurts the most. 7-8 years of my life I won't get back and nothing to show for it..shyt me and u both having them I was having them while writing this likeand
and
cuz of relationships I've had this more than cheating has been the reason why I left or broke up with them
It's demoralizing too know u do and invest so much cuz it's naturally how u treat people u do a lot and all u ask is little in return and u can't even get that shyt hurts like hell
I see and understand the cheating part but everybody says they leave till they are in the situation especially if kids are involved that shyt is case by case basis not condoning it either but some people truly do forgive for that and they work it out or some sayand
But yea cheating hurts a breh make u change as a person sometimes or ur outlook on the opposite sex also
BaldingSoHard
Banned
So, I gave him that heart to heart convo. Thing is, since the very beginning he was the type to give his extra income to his family. "If I have it then I can give it, I never asked you to come out of your pockets to give my family." That was his response. I'm trying to explain to him that once we're married, our home is our only priority, he can't care for 2 homes. "As long as I pay whatever bill that needs to be paid, you can't tell me nothing. The extras, I can give to them." Again, is what he quoted. Him and his family eat off eachother and I tell him, that can't happen. His excuse is when he needs it, his own mother would tap into her rent money and give to him if she has too but with all that extra income after bills are paid, if it was saved in the bank, that wouldn't need to happen. The cycle got to end somewhere.
He keeps telling me he not gonna turn his back on his family just because I want to sit on money. Told him if I want to have the option to pay rent months ahead, I should but I can't because what's left over is being given to support his family. He's making me feel like the vilian here when that's not the case. I'm trying to express to him that our plan is to get a house in 2 years, save up for a trip out of the country later on this year but he says "when the time comes, I'll just give a check away," not thinking about how that will disrupt the bill flow for the month. He's not getting it.
I transferred out of state back in July, from FL to Philly, he didn't come because he wanted to continue making money just in case I ever fall short. I told him just quit his job and come, he didn't. He got offered jobs in Philly, he didn't take them. I was living there for 3 months before asking my job to let me transfer to GA. At least it'll be closer to home without actually being in FL, 2 months now and still not here. So I lived a total of 5 months without him and began to realize... I don't need him. I may want him here, at this point, but I don't need him. So he got offered a job here in GA that he plans on taking, last I remember when we last spoke. He's suppose to be here in a week but after having that conversation a few days ago, I told him once he's up here he gotta get with it or get lost. I can't continue to settle with no saving because he wanna be Captain Save a Bro with his family.
He sucked his teeth and said "as long as I have it, I will give. I'm not asking you to come out your pockets for it so this shouldn't even be a problem.".... he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get that we're one so what he does hurts us both... Sad to say, I didn't feel any remorse when I told him if he do decides to come up here to go and find his self a one bedroom because he's not coming to me. I didn't feel sad to say I wanna end this with him because he will continue to penalize our household to feed another... shyt happens
Damn. That's almost exactly what happened with my ex and I. Her family was generationally poor and she would always come out of pocket to help them out. The problem is she would never tell me she was doing it because she was embarrassed about their situation, so when the time came to pay bills she would just say, "I don't have it." Come to find out later her attitude was, "Well you make enough to cover us both so I don't need to chip in all the time." which was true, but the issue was communication and being on the same page. Also, I wasn't about to sign up for taking care of her family for the rest of my life.
Anyway, sounds like a very very hard conversation. I'm sorry it went down that way but it's honestly better to stop wasting time if you guys are never gonna be on the same page.
This is sad. He sounds like a good man. Try to understand where he is coming from. His family has always had his back so he cant turn on them. Dont leave him because he has a good heart.So, I gave him that heart to heart convo. Thing is, since the very beginning he was the type to give his extra income to his family. "If I have it then I can give it, I never asked you to come out of your pockets to give my family." That was his response. I'm trying to explain to him that once we're married, our home is our only priority, he can't care for 2 homes. "As long as I pay whatever bill that needs to be paid, you can't tell me nothing. The extras, I can give to them." Again, is what he quoted. Him and his family eat off eachother and I tell him, that can't happen. His excuse is when he needs it, his own mother would tap into her rent money and give to him if she has too but with all that extra income after bills are paid, if it was saved in the bank, that wouldn't need to happen. The cycle got to end somewhere.
He keeps telling me he not gonna turn his back on his family just because I want to sit on money. Told him if I want to have the option to pay rent months ahead, I should but I can't because what's left over is being given to support his family. He's making me feel like the vilian here when that's not the case. I'm trying to express to him that our plan is to get a house in 2 years, save up for a trip out of the country later on this year but he says "when the time comes, I'll just give a check away," not thinking about how that will disrupt the bill flow for the month. He's not getting it.
I transferred out of state back in July, from FL to Philly, he didn't come because he wanted to continue making money just in case I ever fall short. I told him just quit his job and come, he didn't. He got offered jobs in Philly, he didn't take them. I was living there for 3 months before asking my job to let me transfer to GA. At least it'll be closer to home without actually being in FL, 2 months now and still not here. So I lived a total of 5 months without him and began to realize... I don't need him. I may want him here, at this point, but I don't need him. So he got offered a job here in GA that he plans on taking, last I remember when we last spoke. He's suppose to be here in a week but after having that conversation a few days ago, I told him once he's up here he gotta get with it or get lost. I can't continue to settle with no saving because he wanna be Captain Save a Bro with his family.
He sucked his teeth and said "as long as I have it, I will give. I'm not asking you to come out your pockets for it so this shouldn't even be a problem.".... he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get that we're one so what he does hurts us both... Sad to say, I didn't feel any remorse when I told him if he do decides to come up here to go and find his self a one bedroom because he's not coming to me. I didn't feel sad to say I wanna end this with him because he will continue to penalize our household to feed another... shyt happens
Taadow
The StarchBishop™️
Agree with this.
And, now she realizes "she doesn't need him". That's when i'd know it would be time for me to roll.
DaRealness
I think very deeply
I mentioned public disrespect, but another thing would be lowkey demeaning me or trying to chip away at my confidence or esteem. You know the type....they're not outright or obvious with it, but they constantly say and do little things to chip away at you each and every time. I know when someone's trying to get in my head no matter how subtle they are. They're usually the throw rocks and hide the hands types, but I will call them out on their bs and throw them to the bushes. They're more dangerous than people who do it overtly IMHO.
GoGetMyDamnBelt_
All Star
He's an Immigrant
I suggested marriage counseling when I foresaw the small problems but it's NOW he suggested to do it and I lost that urge to even fight it.. I don't want to do marriage counseling anymore.. I completely agree with your perspective on infidelity, I probably can learn to forgive it but I won't trust again.