Hi all.. It's sad that we're here but there's comfort in misery and only BSs will truly be able to understand each other. This is my first time I write about my own experience, it's a cathartic rant so sorry it's going to be an avalanche of text.
My ex girlfriend and I had been together for 5 years. From year 4 onwards, she had an almost year long affair with OM, her colleague. DDay1 (yes, standard TT) was ironically on the night before the collection date of my proposal ring.
Thinking back now, it's one of those "truth is often stranger than fiction" truisms.
Had my suspicions for quite a while, standard red flags which I only recognized on hindsight after reading thousands of posts. (Constant messaging, being extremely protective of her phone and privacy, great reduction in an already LD relationship, change of underwear, new workplace with toxic friends and almost nightly drinks with those colleagues, Brazilian IPL, change in fashion sense, being emotionally distant, asking me to have sex with other women, love bites on her neck and breasts which were not from me since we weren't having sex by then 2 months to DDay, lesser patience with me and shortening temper etc the list goes on..)
My gut was always telling me something was wrong and once I even asked her outright if she had ever cheated on me to which she replied no, and I believed her because I wanted to. She was a shy, sweetest most innocent and beautiful girl. I pedestalized her and never thought she would ever cheat on me. If you ever saw us together you would think that I would likely be the one who cheats rather than her.
She's an incredibly beautiful woman so throughout our relationship she constantly had a lot of male attention. At first I was a bit uncomfortable but as our relationship grew, I trusted her completely. She would show me those texts from all those scumbags (they all knew she was attached) and we would laugh about it. She would respond to them sometimes for entertainment and I was ok with them but I always told her to not break their heart and not string them along. I had that much faith in us and I trusted her so much.
The nature of my work was such that I couldn't reply her messages on time. I was also working harder to increase our savings so that we would be financially secure in the near future. Soon she started being really close to a few guys. The amount of lies. I'll never know if it was just that OM or a few. She would show me edited messages and lie about who they were from. I would get angry because I felt those messages from the man were inappropriate and her responses to him were egging him on. It was an EA by then but at that point I didn't know what an EA was, just that it was very inappropriate.
From that time onwards I knew something was wrong. I kept asking her why did she talk like this to him and she would always say it was just for fun or that they were just friends or she would stop but then didn't. I also felt her slipping away. I kept asking her if she still loved me but she couldn't bring herself to say she did. I wanted to know what was going on. It was very frustrating because I felt something was being hidden from me but I couldn't (or maybe didn't want to) know what it was. One time she told me she wanted to see other men. I was shocked and I asked her why what happened but she finally just told me to forget she ever said that. She called me one time out of the blue crying and told me she loved me and she never want me to leave her. So I thought she was probably confused about us or having pre marriage jitters but she finally realized how much I loved her.
Then one day, I found a Valentine's day card from OM addressed to her name on the envelop. Devastated. She gaslighted me saying he wrote it for his gf, but he broke up with her so he brought the card and showed it to her and their mutual friend and then wanted to throw it away but she felt it was a waste so she got it from him, kept it and doodled her own name on the envelope. Incredible right? More incredible - I bought it. I knew it was incredibly unbelievable but I bought it, it was so hard to believe that I had to write down that convulated logic so as to remember why I bought it.
Then DDay1 came. Found out texts on her computer between them. Was totally devastated. Floor collapsed under me. Sobbing and crying. I recognized a tinge of relief though, some vindication. That my gut was right all along. Then started the TT. "Only a drunken ONS". I demanded to see everything on the computer. She refused. Eventually. "More than twice less than 10 PA".
I was crushed. I'd always idealized her. She wasn't perfect but I was convinced she was better than most, top 5 percentile of women. Made her break up with OM on the spot. She called him and did but unwillingly. Fell into depression. For the next whole week. Couldn't eat drink or sleep. Constipated. Spontaneous hemorrhoids. Lost 5kg within a week. Felt numbness on my skin. After that when I could sleep, I started to dream. Dreams, so many dreams! About her. About us 3 all talking but don't know about what.
Came to the conclusion that it was all my fault. Had to be my fault. Otherwise how could an angel like her do something like this? I pushed her into it. I was neglectful. I didn't spend enough time with her (even though throughout our relationship it was I who wanted to spend more time with her but she didn't want to). I worked too hard. I didn't have a car to drive her around etc etc.
So for the next 2 weeks I borrowed her parents car and became her personal chauffeur. I apologized. I convinced my parents that it was my fault. I bought her flowers. I booked a staycation for us to get together and heal. I dined her. We went car shopping together. I couldn't function. My work suffered, social engagements had to be cancelled. But for her, life goes on. Went for spas, friend's weddings. She even made a list of pros and cons for both OM and I.
During the staycation I realized she was still lying. So I snooped. I had known her phone code for sometime but never did anything because she was protective of her phone and I felt guilty for invading her privacy. An opportunity came and I emailed her and OM's chat to myself. I ended it with her. At that stage it was still very difficult for me. I loved her so much so very very much! I hadn't read the chat log yet.
If you're here for the first time, let me tell you this. What you are told, is only a minute watered down fraction of what actually happened. There were trips taken together with OM. Sexting with pictures. Plots of elopement. Plans to marry and then divorce me later to find OM. Suggestions by OM for her to marry me then cheat on me with him. Motel arrangements. Marathon sex. Sex 3-4 times a week whenever they could. Her doing things with him she never did with me. A sexual appetite that contrasted sharply against her sexual reticence towards me. A pregnancy scare which she decided to pin on me if the results came positive (yes they never ever use protection despite what they tell you, all sorts of rationalizations for that) Betrayal of secrets and personal information about myself to OM. OM insulting me and she laughing along with him at those insults.
The worst was seeing the texts AFTER Dday1. How they both plotted to converse with each other in a manner that showed that the affair ended so she could screenshot it and show it to me as proof. How the affair went on unchanged. More motel arrangements, more sexting. They went on with their marriage prep course. Telling OM that I was willing to let them both have the property we bought together if she chose to go with him and that I would pay for their downpayment (in my initial stage where I concluded it was all my fault I wanted to alleviate her financially by reimbursing her her share of the downpayment after cancellation of the property, I guess she saw an opportunity there)
I was furious! Anger overcame me and I confirmed the end of the relationship over text with her after I read it.
Then came threats of rape accusations against me when I demanded repayment for money which I'd loaned her. (To be fair I demanded it back lump sum when she offered installments. I was very angry after dday2 and told her to borrow from a bank because I didn't care). Wanting me to sign a non disclosure agreement after she found out I got those texts. Telling me she might be pregnant with my child (I guess to get me to take her back). Telling me to marry her in name because she wanted the property we had bought together. Telling me to let OM take over my share of the property instead of canceling the purchase.
She was my first love and I loved and trusted her more than anyone in the world. I guess she wasn't remorseful because even after dday2, they still went on their planned trip together.
I went for IC then stopped. I focussed on loving and taking care of myself, hit the gym, got my abs and arms, bought new clothes. Rebounded with a girl but ended it after a while realizing it for what it was and also due to her own issues. Then decided on a 1 year break from anything serious. And reading, always reading about the stories of others. Obsessive, maybe.
I feel like I've been so scarred by this that I will never be able to have a normal functional trusting relationship ever again. Of course I am ever thankful that besides the property there are no entanglements of children or marriage laws, no inflated child support payments or even more outrageously inflated and unjust alimony payments. And thankful that 5 years even though a long time, wasn't a decade or 2.
But I still feel regret sometimes, think about her everyday although less frequently so. Memories of the past just bubble up. Triggers everywhere. Anything will lead me back to those times we had together, just cuddling, just being together. Stupid pet names I had for her. Jokes only we could understand. Holidays we had. Early memories of her when she was that unassuming And modest but stunningly beautiful girl. The lost of the closest confidant and my best friend. I just feel so alone and directionless. Just drifting. Had plans with her for marriage and family with my single income. Raise 2 kids together who will grow up well with mother at home and dad hard at work setting a good example. Reaching financial freedom for us both so we never need to work because we have to but because we want to. All those dreams and plans, dashed. So now I float along the current of life, lost and adrift
They are ALWAYS on their phones. I Know she's gonna hit me with the "didn't even see this text, sorry for the late reply" but I already know what time it is when that happens.
...
look, then gives her some dikk to stop the bytching..Then he chills a bit and does it all over again
B. fukk with me literally
He didn't make it hard to do so either. What a fukking idiot.