Apologies if this is a long read.
I messed up and started speaking to ex again about a year ago. One thing led to another and we started having sex again. I was getting caught up and messed around unprotected...then she decided that she doesn't want to take the pill.
(For context) She has a condition where her ovaries don't produce the amount of eggs that it's supposed to so her window to have children could potentially be smaller than the average woman. This is what caused us to break up in the first place because she was afraid that she wouldn't get the chance to have kids when we were older and I didn't wanna try for kid at the time (I was 20).
Because of this, she outright told me that she wasn't gonna take the pill since she wants to see if she can conceive and because "she loves me", if she can only have a limited amount of kids, she wants to make sure that they're mine.
Since she had just recently had her period and she's irregular, I had to wait damn near 6 weeks before her next period came (Thank God it did). Those 6 weeks were hell for me because I was balancing my new job and dealing with her taking me through a mental roller coaster. She was doing stuff like guilting me, saying I'm not supportive, just making me feel like a generally shytty person.
After she had the period, I fell back from dealing with her but since then, I'm subject to heavy phone conversations and having to listen to her cry on the phone and talk in a very borderline suicidal manner (this shyt eats me up because I'm genuinely concerned for her). It's draining.
So now, I'm trying to move on. I've got a new role within the company that I'm starting tomorrow and I'm trying to actually start dating again (haven't even spoken to another girl romantically for 4 years) but I've got this cloud of guilt swirling over me and I feel like I need to stay connected to my ex to a certain degree because I fear that if I cut her off properly, I'll get a phone call from her mum one day, saying that's she's killed herself.
I just dunno man